What to do when your teenager seems to start "drifting" (2 Viewers)

[Patriotsfatboy1]

Be thankful that it is only her weed cherry that is being popped.

 

[James Daulton]

As the parent of a boy (19) and girl (15), I'l first say that if your daughter got to 17 without smoking weed, being boy crazy, and staying engaged with work, sports, and family, you're way way ahead of the game.

A 17 year old getting a little rebellious is normal and no need for worry. Her friends influence is a bit more worrisome as their influence on her will likely grow in importance and pressure as she gets older.

If it were me, I'd let her know that you're proud of her, she's a great kid, has a great future (particularly is she chooses to exploit her brains and goes to college). I'd also let her know that you know she's growing up and will be faced with many many difficult decisions. She should feel 100% comfortable coming to you or your wife for advice, and if she doesn't come to you for advice and makes the wrong decision, you'll always love her and will be always available to talk (not judge) about it afterwards.

She also needs to know that she's living under your roof and you set the rules, so if you say no text, it's no text.

Good luck Andy.

 

[Gr00vus]

So explore the music thing more. Take her to some shows that use clarinet, maybe see if you can get her some introductions to people who play in those groups. See if there's something there for her outside of school band where she can make it her own thing. She may not be in to it, but who knows?

The other stuff sound completely normal.

We've done a lot of that. Going to the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra, etc.

Have you had a chance to actually speak with any of the players? Hearing their paths to success might cause a lightbulb to go on for your kid. If she's into it they could give her advice on how to move forward and, more importantly, inspiration that she could actually do what they do someday. It may not lead to anything, but it's worth a shot.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

My wife's dad basically had this conversation with her when she was 16:

"I've saved $x for you to go to college. When you graduate, you get to manage that money however you see fit to pay for room, board, and tuition. If you go to college near home, you can live with us and have more of that money left over. If you go to college elsewhere, your rent will come out of that money. Whatever money is left when you graduate (if any) is yours to do with as you wish.

If you don't go to college, you get a job, pay rent, and that money goes into my retirement fund."

Well......... what happened?

JC for 2 years while living at home. Transferred to a 4 year state university and lived in an apartment. Graduated, used the money that was left to pay for much of a cheap new car, and married me.

So, sometimes you can make all the right decisions and still have it all end horribly.

 

[The_Man]

I have a 16-year-old son -- so far no issues like this, but I often wonder what I would do in a similar situation. She sounds like a good kid.

I think the biggest thing is college - you said she was 'meh' in the meeting with the counselor. But there's a big difference between a kid acting blah around an unfamiliar adult and a promising kid who has decided she doesn't want to go to college.

So I think that would be the first thing I address. Sit her down, tell her what a good kid she is and how proud you are of her, and then find out what she's thinking about college. Is she going into her junior or senior year? Not going to college is a far bigger deal then pot, late-night texts, and anything else put together. Because it's going to seriously affect the rest of her life. If she wants to go, then you move on to talking about how to make that happen, and the importance of good grades this year, etc.

If she doesn't want to go, then you need to figure out your next steps. Is she allowed to live at home? Does she have to get a full-time job? Etc. Knowing the reality of what not going to college will mean might inspire her to reconsider that decision.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

I'm pretty blown away that we got to page 3 without a single request for pics. Clearly HJS hasn't found his way here yet.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

So explore the music thing more. Take her to some shows that use clarinet, maybe see if you can get her some introductions to people who play in those groups. See if there's something there for her outside of school band where she can make it her own thing. She may not be in to it, but who knows?

The other stuff sound completely normal.

We've done a lot of that. Going to the St. Paul Chamber Orchestra, etc.

Have you had a chance to actually speak with any of the players? Hearing their paths to success might cause a lightbulb to go on for your kid. If she's into it they could give her advice on how to move forward and, more importantly, inspiration that she could actually do what they do someday. It may not lead to anything, but it's worth a shot.

That's a pretty good idea.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

I'm pretty blown away that we got to page 3 without a single request for pics. Clearly HJS hasn't found his way here yet.

This would be close -

Otherwise, as an approximation, think Ellen Page. I'll remind you though that she's only 17.

 

[KCitons]

My wife's dad basically had this conversation with her when she was 16:

"I've saved $x for you to go to college. When you graduate, you get to manage that money however you see fit to pay for room, board, and tuition. If you go to college near home, you can live with us and have more of that money left over. If you go to college elsewhere, your rent will come out of that money. Whatever money is left when you graduate (if any) is yours to do with as you wish.

If you don't go to college, you get a job, pay rent, and that money goes into my retirement fund."

Well......... what happened?

JC for 2 years while living at home. Transferred to a 4 year state university and lived in an apartment. Graduated, used the money that was left to pay for much of a cheap new car, and married me.

So, sometimes you can make all the right decisions and still have it all end horribly.

Pictures of the Wife?

I'm pretty blown away that we got to page 3 without a single request for pics. Clearly HJS hasn't found his way here yet.

 

[Ilov80s]

Also, just keep in mind your goal is to inspire her, punishing her and lecturing will likely have the opposite effect. Think positive, be positive. If you want to reinvigorate your relationship with her or get her to open up more, do something out of the ordinary for her. Surprise her with something she will find fun. People get into ruts and get bored with life sometimes or develop very concrete ideas of what other people are/how their relationship is that a surprise change of pace can catch them off guard in a good way.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

My wife's dad basically had this conversation with her when she was 16:

"I've saved $x for you to go to college. When you graduate, you get to manage that money however you see fit to pay for room, board, and tuition. If you go to college near home, you can live with us and have more of that money left over. If you go to college elsewhere, your rent will come out of that money. Whatever money is left when you graduate (if any) is yours to do with as you wish.

If you don't go to college, you get a job, pay rent, and that money goes into my retirement fund."

Well......... what happened?

JC for 2 years while living at home. Transferred to a 4 year state university and lived in an apartment. Graduated, used the money that was left to pay for much of a cheap new car, and married me.

So, sometimes you can make all the right decisions and still have it all end horribly.

Pictures of the Wife?

I only have the one

 

[KCitons]

My wife's dad basically had this conversation with her when she was 16:

"I've saved $x for you to go to college. When you graduate, you get to manage that money however you see fit to pay for room, board, and tuition. If you go to college near home, you can live with us and have more of that money left over. If you go to college elsewhere, your rent will come out of that money. Whatever money is left when you graduate (if any) is yours to do with as you wish.

If you don't go to college, you get a job, pay rent, and that money goes into my retirement fund."

Well......... what happened?

JC for 2 years while living at home. Transferred to a 4 year state university and lived in an apartment. Graduated, used the money that was left to pay for much of a cheap new car, and married me.

So, sometimes you can make all the right decisions and still have it all end horribly.

Pictures of the Wife?

I only have the one

nice rack(s) ?

 

[mr roboto]

Buy her a 350Z, some racing slicks and get her into competitive drifting.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

I only have the one

nice rack(s) ?

Pretty close, really. And they're not small.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

 

[wazoo11]

I have a 16-year-old son -- so far no issues like this, but I often wonder what I would do in a similar situation. She sounds like a good kid.

I think the biggest thing is college - you said she was 'meh' in the meeting with the counselor. But there's a big difference between a kid acting blah around an unfamiliar adult and a promising kid who has decided she doesn't want to go to college.

So I think that would be the first thing I address. Sit her down, tell her what a good kid she is and how proud you are of her, and then find out what she's thinking about college. Is she going into her junior or senior year? Not going to college is a far bigger deal then pot, late-night texts, and anything else put together. Because it's going to seriously affect the rest of her life. If she wants to go, then you move on to talking about how to make that happen, and the importance of good grades this year, etc.

If she doesn't want to go, then you need to figure out your next steps. Is she allowed to live at home? Does she have to get a full-time job? Etc. Knowing the reality of what not going to college will mean might inspire her to reconsider that decision.

If she doesn't want to go to college, she can learn cosmetology to become a hairdresser. I know some who make good money that way.

 

[jomar]

If you want to reinvigorate your relationship with her or get her to open up more, do something out of the ordinary for her. Surprise her with something she will find fun. People get into ruts and get bored with life sometimes or develop very concrete ideas of what other people are/how their relationship is that a surprise change of pace can catch them off guard in a good way.

pretty sure this is exactly what I said

 

[cstu]

We had a meeting with a college planner that she showed almost no interest in as she sat there. We're trying to find out if she even wants to go to college and the reaction is mostly "Meh".

This part would really concern me. What's the point of getting a 3.5 GPA if she's not thinking about college?

 

[Andy Dufresne]

If she doesn't want to go to college, she can learn cosmetology to become a hairdresser. I know some who make good money that way.

That would be about the LAST thing she'd want to do. She's never been very prissy. Not butch, but a bit of a tomboy.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

We had a meeting with a college planner that she showed almost no interest in as she sat there. We're trying to find out if she even wants to go to college and the reaction is mostly "Meh".

This part would really concern me. What's the point of getting a 3.5 GPA if she's not thinking about college?

That's what I'm getting at. She seems to be interested, so we set up a meeting with someone that helps navigate the application process for acceptance and aid, and when he leaves she says "It just seems like you guys are more interested in it than I am."

Of course, after typing it out, that just sounds like she's female.

 

[tommyGunZ]

We had a meeting with a college planner that she showed almost no interest in as she sat there. We're trying to find out if she even wants to go to college and the reaction is mostly "Meh".

This part would really concern me. What's the point of getting a 3.5 GPA if she's not thinking about college?

That's what I'm getting at. She seems to be interested, so we set up a meeting with someone that helps navigate the application process for acceptance and aid, and when he leaves she says "It just seems like you guys are more interested in it than I am."

Of course, after typing it out, that just sounds like she's female.

Not surprising at all that a 17 yr old isn't interested in the app process or the financial aid part.

"Hey honey, here are hours of forms to fill out, with no assurance whatsoever that anything will come of any of this paperwork. Yey!"

 

[cstu]

We've been lucky with our oldest (son, going to be a sophomore in HS). He's bright and relatively engaged. His main problem is laziness which means that he gets a few Bs in courses where he should really get As, but I was exactly the same way when I was his age. No serious worries.

This sounds exactly like my nephew (also going to be a sophomore) who is living with us now. He's certainly smart enough (gets high B's/low A's on test without studying) but doesn't do/turn in homework and ended up with C+ to B+ when he could easily have straight A's.

Like you I was the same way so I'm not that worried but hate that he's making it tougher for himself to go to college where he wants to (UCLA).

 

[Andy Dufresne]

We had a meeting with a college planner that she showed almost no interest in as she sat there. We're trying to find out if she even wants to go to college and the reaction is mostly "Meh".

This part would really concern me. What's the point of getting a 3.5 GPA if she's not thinking about college?

That's what I'm getting at. She seems to be interested, so we set up a meeting with someone that helps navigate the application process for acceptance and aid, and when he leaves she says "It just seems like you guys are more interested in it than I am."

Of course, after typing it out, that just sounds like she's female.

Not surprising at all that a 17 yr old isn't interested in the app process or the financial aid part.

"Hey honey, here are hours of forms to fill out, with no assurance whatsoever that anything will come of any of this paperwork. Yey!"

Yeah, I suppose that's true.

 

[Mile High]

We had a meeting with a college planner that she showed almost no interest in as she sat there. We're trying to find out if she even wants to go to college and the reaction is mostly "Meh".

This part would really concern me. What's the point of getting a 3.5 GPA if she's not thinking about college?

That's what I'm getting at. She seems to be interested, so we set up a meeting with someone that helps navigate the application process for acceptance and aid, and when he leaves she says "It just seems like you guys are more interested in it than I am." Of course, after typing it out, that just sounds like she's female.

sounds like my daughter. Worked for a year after high school and now at CU doing great.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

sounds like my daughter. Worked for a year after high school and now at CU doing great.

We're wondering if that's not a good option for her. She will be a year ahead anyway with the college classes she's taking. Maybe a year of working/maturing would be good for her.

 

[Ilov80s]

sounds like my daughter. Worked for a year after high school and now at CU doing great.

We're wondering if that's not a good option for her. She will be a year ahead anyway with the college classes she's taking. Maybe a year of working/maturing would be good for her.

Just be warned, there's some real danger she never goes back. I have known a few people that went that route. They got full time jobs, were living at home bill free, and thought that the $30,000 grand they were pulling in made them Donald Trump. They thought it would be crazy to give up all that money to go to school again. They saved up and got an apartment. Next thing you know, they knocked up some waitress they worked with and instead of school, they needed a second job and health insurance. Of course, that's just one way it can go. Just warning you that kids are easily fooled when they go from allowance/part time job to "real" full time job, especially if they aren't paying many/any bills.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

Just be warned, there's some real danger she never goes back. I have known a few people that went that route. They got full time jobs, were living at home bill free, and thought that the $30,000 grand they were pulling in made them Donald Trump. They thought it would be crazy to give up all that money to go to school again. They saved up and got an apartment. Next thing you know, they knocked up some waitress they worked with and instead of school, they needed a second job and health insurance. Of course, that's just one way it can go. Just warning you that kids are easily fooled when they go from allowance/part time job to "real" full time job, especially if they aren't paying many/any bills.

Yeah well THAT'S not going to happen. If she wants to stay at my house she's going to pay some of the bills.

 

[NCCommish]

Just be warned, there's some real danger she never goes back. I have known a few people that went that route. They got full time jobs, were living at home bill free, and thought that the $30,000 grand they were pulling in made them Donald Trump. They thought it would be crazy to give up all that money to go to school again. They saved up and got an apartment. Next thing you know, they knocked up some waitress they worked with and instead of school, they needed a second job and health insurance. Of course, that's just one way it can go. Just warning you that kids are easily fooled when they go from allowance/part time job to "real" full time job, especially if they aren't paying many/any bills.

Yeah well THAT'S not going to happen. If she wants to stay at my house she's going to pay some of the bills.

I had to pay rent or show a deposit slip to stay at home when I was going to tech school after the military.

 

[tommyGunZ]

sounds like my daughter. Worked for a year after high school and now at CU doing great.

We're wondering if that's not a good option for her. She will be a year ahead anyway with the college classes she's taking. Maybe a year ofworking/maturing would be good for her.

Just be warned, there's some real danger she never goes back. I have known a few people that went that route. They got full time jobs, were living at home bill free, and thought that the $30,000 grand they were pulling in made them Donald Trump. They thought it would be crazy to give up all that money to go to school again. They saved up and got an apartment. Next thing you know, they knocked up some waitress they worked with and instead of school, they needed a second job and health insurance. Of course, that's just one way it can go. Just warning you that kids are easily fooled when they go from allowance/part time job to "real" full time job, especially if they aren't paying many/any bills.

Agree with this. I'm a big believer in the power of influence, and nothing is more influential than the crew people hang with. My kids are far too young for these types of issues, but my general plan is to steer them (in any way possible) into groups that are moving forward, as opposed to trying to teach them some type of lesson by spending a year or two flipping burgers or moving boxes.

 

[cstu]

sounds like my daughter. Worked for a year after high school and now at CU doing great.

We're wondering if that's not a good option for her. She will be a year ahead anyway with the college classes she's taking. Maybe a year ofworking/maturing would be good for her.

Just be warned, there's some real danger she never goes back. I have known a few people that went that route. They got full time jobs, were living at home bill free, and thought that the $30,000 grand they were pulling in made them Donald Trump. They thought it would be crazy to give up all that money to go to school again. They saved up and got an apartment. Next thing you know, they knocked up some waitress they worked with and instead of school, they needed a second job and health insurance. Of course, that's just one way it can go. Just warning you that kids are easily fooled when they go from allowance/part time job to "real" full time job, especially if they aren't paying many/any bills.

Speaking of which, where's Eminence?

 

[Mile High]

sounds like my daughter. Worked for a year after high school and now at CU doing great.

We're wondering if that's not a good option for her. She will be a year ahead anyway with the college classes she's taking. Maybe a year of working/maturing would be good for her.

Just be warned, there's some real danger she never goes back. I have known a few people that went that route. They got full time jobs, were living at home bill free, and thought that the $30,000 grand they were pulling in made them Donald Trump. They thought it would be crazy to give up all that money to go to school again. They saved up and got an apartment. Next thing you know, they knocked up some waitress they worked with and instead of school, they needed a second job and health insurance. Of course, that's just one way it can go. Just warning you that kids are easily fooled when they go from allowance/part time job to "real" full time job, especially if they aren't paying many/any bills.

Yeah there is always the chance. Luckily my daughter realized the job market for her was full of dead end jobs. Just finished her third year and works at the school as a tutor.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

Agree with this. I'm a big believer in the power of influence, and nothing is more influential than the crew people hang with. My kids are far too young for these types of issues, but my general plan is to steer them (in any way possible) into groups that are moving forward, as opposed to trying to teach them some type of lesson by spending a year or two flipping burgers or moving boxes.

That's why I think I'm going to proceed with the assumption that she's going to college. I think I'd rather she went a year and decided not to go after that than run the risk of never going at all.

Besides, the school she's most considered isn't all that expensive (relatively speaking) and is near my parents but about 3.5 hours from us.

 

[Freelove]

My wife's dad basically had this conversation with her when she was 16:

"I've saved $x for you to go to college. When you graduate, you get to manage that money however you see fit to pay for room, board, and tuition. If you go to college near home, you can live with us and have more of that money left over. If you go to college elsewhere, your rent will come out of that money. Whatever money is left when you graduate (if any) is yours to do with as you wish.

If you don't go to college, you get a job, pay rent, and that money goes into my retirement fund."

Well......... what happened?

JC for 2 years while living at home. Transferred to a 4 year state university and lived in an apartment. Graduated, used the money that was left to pay for much of a cheap new car, and married me.

So, sometimes you can make all the right decisions and still have it all end horribly.

Pictures of the Wife?

I only have the one

nice rack(s) ?

I thought those were tummy nuts.

 

[Johnny Rock]

Unless she wants to be a rapper I wouldn't worry about it.

 

[Steve Tasker]

Just be warned, there's some real danger she never goes back. I have known a few people that went that route. They got full time jobs, were living at home bill free, and thought that the $30,000 grand they were pulling in made them Donald Trump. They thought it would be crazy to give up all that money to go to school again. They saved up and got an apartment. Next thing you know, they knocked up some waitress they worked with and instead of school, they needed a second job and health insurance. Of course, that's just one way it can go. Just warning you that kids are easily fooled when they go from allowance/part time job to "real" full time job, especially if they aren't paying many/any bills.

I'm not sure it has to do so much with not going to college as it does with having no real responsibility. One of my best friends has a college degree, struggled to find a job out of school (very bright guy - graduated with honors) and now works what most would consider to be a dead-end job. He's worked there for 4 years now with very little advancement. It's a job that he is totally overqualified for. Why? Because he's been coddled his entire life. Everything has been paid for. His dad is a top local attorney who makes $$$. College was paid for. He never had a job before graduating college. He still lives at home rent-free. Mom does his laundry and cooks his meals. He spends all of his free time on his parents' couch or golfing. He has pretty much no responsibility other than just showing up at work every day.

It may sound great on the surface, but it's caused us to grow apart quite a bit. I feel like some of my friends and I are leaving him behind in a state of arrested development, if you will.

 

[Phil Elliott]

Page 36: fatguy looks to the left and sees a door marked, "Open this, and you will have a great 4 (5? 6?) years of college. Weed, however, will cease to exist."

To the right is a hallway leading to a room full of weed. It appears to be a lifetime supply. There are bags full of all the necessary "toes" for this situation - Cheetos, Doritos, and Fritos. Because this book was designed for you, specifically, there is also what appears to be a really comfortable couch with a pillow. Choose to explore this hallway and the door to college will be locked forever.

To open the door, turn to page 48.

To get high, turn to page 19

My pic

Is that leather? Because I'm planning on a naked bake.

Microfiber

College is overrated.

Still required for many jobs.

 

[Binky The Doormat]

Seems like the consensus here is "monitor, but take a deep breath".

I think so too. She sounds great. As someone said earlier, teens make bad decision making an art form. I have a 17 yr. old son that makes repeated decisions and doesn't make anywhere near the grades your daughter is making.

Trying to focus on the things they need to be a good and successful person. We have been pretty tough on him at times (for good reason) ...though I hope that hasn't put too many bad feelings between us.

 

[Judge Smails]

Has she ever visited any colleges? Taken tours?

Yes. It's not like she's said she DOESN'T want to go. She just seems ambivalent about going.

What got my son to buy in was letting him know that college just gives you more choices later. Kids that are striving for independence like choices.

 

[HughHoney]

She might only be 17 and she's still your baby and all that crap but talk to her like an adult. Weed is probably gonna be smoked. Tell her you wished she wouldn't and you won't accept it but you understand it could happen eventually. Tell her about the first time you smoked, the last time you smoked, why you don't smoke. She's more likely to open up to you about it. More importantly, IMO, pound into her head the dangers of every other drug, especially prescription drugs. Prescription drugs are extremely dangerous and so few people understand that, especially high schoolers.

 

[Otis]

Blackdot

 

[Andy Dufresne]

Another thing that shocked me when reading her texts is how kids talk to each other these days - filthy.

That really surprised me.

 

[johnnycakes]

Another thing that shocked me when reading her texts is how kids talk to each other these days - filthy.

That really surprised me.

My 20 year-old goes to finishing school next week. Sounds like your daughter might benefit, too.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

Another thing that shocked me when reading her texts is how kids talk to each other these days - filthy.

That really surprised me.

My 20 year-old goes to finishing school next week. Sounds like your daughter might benefit, too.

My son did a weekend similar to that through Scouts. It was a great thing.

 

[Freelove]

Page 36: fatguy looks to the left and sees a door marked, "Open this, and you will have a great 4 (5? 6?) years of college. Weed, however, will cease to exist."

To the right is a hallway leading to a room full of weed. It appears to be a lifetime supply. There are bags full of all the necessary "toes" for this situation - Cheetos, Doritos, and Fritos. Because this book was designed for you, specifically, there is also what appears to be a really comfortable couch with a pillow. Choose to explore this hallway and the door to college will be locked forever.

To open the door, turn to page 48.

To get high, turn to page 19

My pic

Is that leather? Because I'm planning on a naked bake.

Microfiber

College is overrated.

Still required for many jobs.

Did you major in thread followage?

 

[NCCommish]

Another thing that shocked me when reading her texts is how kids talk to each other these days - filthy.

That really surprised me.

Were you not a kid?

 

[Andy Dufresne]

Another thing that shocked me when reading her texts is how kids talk to each other these days - filthy.

That really surprised me.

Were you not a kid?

Dude. I was born old.

My sister always says as much.

 

[NCCommish]

Another thing that shocked me when reading her texts is how kids talk to each other these days - filthy.

That really surprised me.

My 20 year-old goes to finishing school next week. Sounds like your daughter might benefit, too.

Makes my hair stand on end.

 

[KCitons]

Another thing that shocked me when reading her texts is how kids talk to each other these days - filthy.

That really surprised me.

Were you not a kid?

Dude. I was born old.

My sister always says as much.

probably shouldn't use Dude then.

 

[NCCommish]

Another thing that shocked me when reading her texts is how kids talk to each other these days - filthy.

That really surprised me.

Were you not a kid?

Dude. I was born old.

My sister always says as much.

I'm just saying when I was her age, and that was a long time ago, our prose could be very purple. But we didn't text it we said it to each other. So no evidence.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

Another thing that shocked me when reading her texts is how kids talk to each other these days - filthy.

That really surprised me.

Were you not a kid?

Dude. Fella, I was born old.

My sister always says as much.

probably shouldn't use Dude then.

Fixed.