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What's the upside of marriage for men? (1 Viewer)

Saw a great movie for the first-time last night, The Last Picture Show

This dialogue fits.

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Sam the Lion: Her and her husband was young and miserable with one another - like so many young married folks are. I thought they'd change with some age; but, it didn't turn out that way.

Sonny Crawford: Is being married always so miserable?

Sam the Lion: No. Not really. About 80 percent of the time, I guess.

 
Unlike most FBG, there are lots of parts of functioning in the world that I am really bad at. As an adult with ADHD, executive function, self care, attention to mundane details, and finances aren’t really my wheelhouse. I am on the other hand pretty smart, patient, generous and great at caring for and listening to others.

My 19 year marriage is a life partnership- we share joy, travel and children- but we also support and accept each other’s short comings.To make a woeful analogy- marriage is like a higher stakes dynasty league- there will be successes, brutal misses that you have to deal with for years, surprising outcomes.

we have been through miscarriages, parental death and dementia, Hurricane Katrina as well as an abundance of blessing. For you, the agreed commitment of marriage that we will exhaust every option, even in the hard times to make it work- may not be meaningful enough to make that commitment. For me- it is essential. Especially being an artist, having someone who gets that, supports that and is willing to roll with that- it is huge for mental health.

I think the key to marriage is understanding that the person across you is a flawed 16 year that just got older. She makes mistakes, gets impatient and doesn’t always apologize on my preferred timeline. But I come with a bucket of flaws as well. 
 

It is far from perfect, but on the whole, we are much better together that we would be single with a revolving door of shorter term partners

 
Getting married in 66 days. Have been divorced 21+ years.

TBH I was super content as a single person. I’ve been through some hard times the last 3.5 years, but even before that - one relationship (five years ago) since 2006, and that only lasted 8 months or so. Just focused on being the best dad I could be, that’s my #1 role in life.

We've been together 16 months. Never married, no kids, 9 years younger. She’s the right partner for me.

As we are both Jesus followers, we went through 7 weeks of premarital counseling (marriage prep would be a more apt title.) We had pretty good communication / transparency before, but we both grew a lot from doing that.

We’re pretty realistic, I think. First month we were dating she told me “I will disappoint you.” In turn I said “You do not complete me. I’m not the hero that is going to rescue you.” 

Not super romantic - though we both enjoy romance - but I think it’s the right expectation. All of us are flawed. We all need grace. For ourselves, and for our relationships.

Looking forward to growing old with her. 

 
offdee said:
But why the need to actually get legally married to do any of that?     I do get the having kids part of it and wanting to have same last names, commitments, etc.  But ultimately the reality is having kids even furthers the demise of a relationship with your spouse and adds more layers of stress and anxiety to men where they feel trapped.
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So how do you suppose we should do it?  Just impregnate women and then let them deal with the kids cuz they are too much work for men who wanna do what they wanna do?

You come off sounding pretty selfish, and short sighted....kids and marriage are hard, but also very rewarding.....besides, what are you gonna do when u get old?  

 
Manster said:
So how do you suppose we should do it?  Just impregnate women and then let them deal with the kids cuz they are too much work for men who wanna do what they wanna do?

You come off sounding pretty selfish, and short sighted....kids and marriage are hard, but also very rewarding.....besides, what are you gonna do when u get old?  
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You support them and do anything and everything a good husband and father would do.  That is possible without a piece of paper telling you to do that.  
 

And the I’m gonna get married cuz I’m scared to be old and alone crew is silly. Getting married and having kids guarantees you nothing when you’re 80. Wife could pass before you, kids could move out of state and a thousand other scenarios. If I need someone at 80 then I can move to a retirement community and make friends or flirt around with all the widowed blue hairs for company.  

 
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So I've learned I ####ed up and wasn't happy enough in my forties because I didn't bang every gal in sight and that I'm going to be okay with being miserable later in life because I was supposed to be incredibly centered back then.

These two grand daughters of mine are the worst people on the planet. I'm so miserable. Wish I could have a do over.

 
offdee said:
You support them and do anything and everything a good husband and father would do.  That is possible without a piece of paper telling you to do that.  
 

And the I’m gonna get married cuz I’m scared to be old and alone crew is silly. Getting married and having kids guarantees you nothing when you’re 80. Wife could pass before you, kids could move out of state and a thousand other scenarios. If I need someone at 80 then I can move to a retirement community and make friends or flirt around with all the widowed blue hairs for company.  
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Monogamous relationship?  No?  

imo, most of the problems we see in our society is due to the break down of the family unit.  And most specifically, fathers who are not present.  I believe that one thing the older generations did better than us is not just throw away marriage as if it were a used tissue.  Like I said, marriage isn't easy, but if you find the right person (I did) it is better than not being married, and by quite a lot.

Our society has become very self-centered......not a lot of compromise, or self sacrifice.

Personally, I think a huge part of life is about finding a partner, and creating children to pass on your genetics and have a family to take care of you as you age.......my mom will be moving in with us within a year or so and I'm glad to be in a position to help her in her golden years.  She raised me it's the least I can do.

 
Manster said:
Monogamous relationship?  No?  
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Yes, for sure.

I'm not advocating for deadbeat dads or abusive/toxic relationships at all.    I was just in a 7 yr relationship with a woman with 3 kids....lived together, completely monogomous, loving, I was a good father figure, etc, etc.   We just never got married for various reasons and it unfortunately ended.   Now that I'm past that I'm realizing how lucky I was to not have gotten married in that situation but I still did everything just as good as a present husband and father would've been without putting myself at financial risk.

 
Getzlaf15 said:
So I've learned I ####ed up and wasn't happy enough in my forties because I didn't bang every gal in sight and that I'm going to be okay with being miserable later in life because I was supposed to be incredibly centered back then.

These two grand daughters of mine are the worst people on the planet. I'm so miserable. Wish I could have a do over.
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Somebody had to say. Thanks, I feel seen.

I have two granddaughters myself. Basically like having Hitler & Stalin in your house, except they’re couple three feet shorter..

 
offdee said:
Yes, for sure.

I'm not advocating for deadbeat dads or abusive/toxic relationships at all.    I was just in a 7 yr relationship with a woman with 3 kids....lived together, completely monogomous, loving, I was a good father figure, etc, etc.   We just never got married for various reasons and it unfortunately ended.   Now that I'm past that I'm realizing how lucky I was to not have gotten married in that situation but I still did everything just as good as a present husband and father would've been without putting myself at financial risk.
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I don't wanna look thru the whole thread....do u mind me asking, why did it end?

 
Manster said:
I don't wanna look thru the whole thread....do u mind me asking, why did it end?
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Cliff notes:  Quarantine made her a little whacko and we started to unravel as a couple after that.   Gave it a valiant effort to reconnect and make it work but couldn't get back.  Quarantine just magnified a lot of differences.   She ultimately was the one to have the official talk to move on.

 
I do think the original poster has good points. I have internet known offdee for 20 years- our first draft was way back then. I was single when we were drafting- and my future wife was at my Father’s funeral- which was at that time. I also think that he is right: you should think really hard before getting married- and make sure that at least- at that time, you and your partner have the same goals.

I also think that for me, not marrying until my 30’s was a good move. I had a pretty intense earlier life with lots of women, poker, grad school, trying to be an artist, etc. so, I basically had my mid- life crisis (which is often a marriage breaker) before we even were engaged. 

My financially independent wife was willing to follow me from Houston (where she had lived for 30+ years) to Mississippi to rural ME, so I could follow my dreams of being an artist and a professor. She gave up a fair bit for that- and there isn’t a lot of income involved in those moves- and I don’t forget it. There are women who make significant sacrifices to be part of a marriage- you just have to find them and offer them enough, emotionally, physically, long- term and short term- to make it worth it.

 
rabidfireweasel said:
I do think the original poster has good points. I have internet known offdee for 20 years- our first draft was way back then. I was single when we were drafting- and my future wife was at my Father’s funeral- which was at that time. I also think that he is right: you should think really hard before getting married- and make sure that at least- at that time, you and your partner have the same goals.

I also think that for me, not marrying until my 30’s was a good move. I had a pretty intense earlier life with lots of women, poker, grad school, trying to be an artist, etc. so, I basically had my mid- life crisis (which is often a marriage breaker) before we even were engaged. 
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Appreciate that weasel. 

And to the bolded part, I've stated a few times in this thread that if I ran the world a rule I'd make is that you can't get legally married until both parties are min. 30 yrs old.   People just change too much in their 20's to really know what they want and need out of a partner.

So, to me, maybe that's the perfect middle ground.   If you're gonna get married, there's definitely no need to rush into it due to blinding love or pressure from the female or family.

 
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offdee said:
Cliff notes:  Quarantine made her a little whacko and we started to unravel as a couple after that.   Gave it a valiant effort to reconnect and make it work but couldn't get back.  Quarantine just magnified a lot of differences.   She ultimately was the one to have the official talk to move on.
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Yea that sucks.  The last couple years have been extremely hard on people.  For my wife and I, it actually brought us closer together.....we've been thru much tougher though.  She is a breast C survivor, diagnosed at age 33.  My kids were 4 and 1......that really put life into perspective for us.

 
To answer the OP....

1)stability.....I always hated the dating scene.

2)sex.......see number 1

3)support.....my wife is my biggest support system.  She is encouraging.  She is service minded.  I found a keeper.

4)adventure......we have great adventures together.

Now I realize this can be had without the certificate, but we built our lives together.....she stayed home with kids while I worked....she is now back in the workforce.  I feel that if we ended things she would deserve half.....and I would do whatever it took to make sure my kids had what they needed.

 
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