What's new
Fantasy Football - Footballguys Forums

Welcome to Our Forums. Once you've registered and logged in, you're primed to talk football, among other topics, with the sharpest and most experienced fantasy players on the internet.

What's your attachment style? (1 Viewer)

Captain Cranks

Footballguy
Attachment style theory, founded by psychoanalyst John Bowlby in the 1950s and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, outlines how your bond with your primary caregivers sets the foundation for how you navigate relationships throughout life. According to the theory, there are four types of attachment styles:
  • Secure - Securely attached adults tend to hold positive self-image and positive image of others, meaning that they had both a sense of worthiness and an expectation that other people were generally accepting and responsive. Such individuals typically display openness regarding expressing emotions and thoughts with others and are comfortable with depending on others for help, while also being comfortable with others depending on them.
  • Preoccupied (Anxious) - Individuals with an preoccupied attachment (called anxious when referring to children) hold a negative self-image and a positive image of others, meaning that they have a sense of unworthiness but generally evaluated others positively. As such, they strive for self-acceptance by attempting to gain approval and validation from their relationships with significant others. They also require higher levels of contact and intimacy from relationships with others.
  • Dismissive Avoidant - A dismissive attachment style is demonstrated by adults who hold a positive self-image and a negative image of others. They prefer to avoid close relationships and intimacy with others in order to remain a sense of independence and invulnerability. This means they have difficulty with intimacy and value autonomy and self-reliance
  • Fearful - Adults with a fearful-avoidant attachment style (also referred to as disorganized) hold a negative model of self and also a negative model of others, fearing both intimacy and autonomy. Like dismissing avoidant, they often cope with distancing themselves from relationship partners, but unlike dismissing individuals they continue to experience anxiety and neediness concerning their partner’s love, reliability and trustworthiness
I've learned recently I'm a Dismissive-Avoidant. I keep relationships at arm's length, fear intimacy, and prefer to rely heavily on myself. While I have no problem getting through life this way, I'm missing out on a lot of closeness with the people dearest to me including my wife, children, father, and siblings. I'm making it my mission to fix this part of my personality.

Anyone else have a similar attachment style or would like to share which category best defines them?
 

Oracle

Footballguy
Prior to marriage I was secure attachment. After marriage and what my S/O did to me I am preoccupied anxious attachment. My S/O is and always has been dismissive avoidant. We have had good luck using emotional focused therapy to reconcile.
 

Captain Cranks

Footballguy
Prior to marriage I was secure attachment. After marriage and what my S/O did to me I am preoccupied anxious attachment. My S/O is and always has been dismissive avoidant. We have had good luck using emotional focused therapy to reconcile.
I'm sorry to hear. What things are they doing to make you feel more secure? My wife would probably appreciate some tricks for me to use.
 

Oracle

Footballguy
Prior to marriage I was secure attachment. After marriage and what my S/O did to me I am preoccupied anxious attachment. My S/O is and always has been dismissive avoidant. We have had good luck using emotional focused therapy to reconcile.
I'm sorry to hear. What things are they doing to make you feel more secure? My wife would probably appreciate some tricks for me to use.
With emotionally focused therapy you learn to recognize protest styles and how to react to them accordingly. By doing this you do not get into a never ending circle of blaming each other for the issue at hand. We have used the book, “ Hold me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson. It’s a great starting place to learn about how couples communicate and how to work through the communication barriers.
 

Captain Cranks

Footballguy
With emotionally focused therapy you learn to recognize protest styles and how to react to them accordingly. By doing this you do not get into a never ending circle of blaming each other for the issue at hand. We have used the book, “ Hold me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson. It’s a great starting place to learn about how couples communicate and how to work through the communication barriers.
Thanks. We started down the path of EFT a few years ago so may need to pick up that ball.
 

Oracle

Footballguy
With emotionally focused therapy you learn to recognize protest styles and how to react to them accordingly. By doing this you do not get into a never ending circle of blaming each other for the issue at hand. We have used the book, “ Hold me Tight” by Dr. Sue Johnson. It’s a great starting place to learn about how couples communicate and how to work through the communication barriers.
Thanks. We started down the path of EFT a few years ago so may need to pick up that ball.
we only started our journey on the ETF path February of this year.
 

IvanKaramazov

Footballguy
Dismissive-avoidant.

Not a fan of the way this is all framed because obviously "secure" is supposed to be the answer everybody wants to select, but I definitely feel a little seen by the description of dismissive-avoidant types.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Zow

NutterButter

Footballguy
Do you have any fear of intimacy issues? That's what is forcing me to address this part of my personality. My first wife accepted not being close. My second wife is not as accepting.
Nah. I prefer it that way. For the most part, I don't desire human interaction. People are too messy for me. I don't get enough of an upside from them. I have my two teenage daughters who I have a good relationship with but they're at that age where they're into their own things. I also have the newish girlfriend who I have a great time with but there's definitely a little distance there for other reasons beyond this. She follows more of my approach to human interaction though so its a really good fit.
 

bigbottom

I put on my robe and wizard hat
Pretty sure I’m secure attachment, but I’d be interested in doing an assessment to confirm. It was very late in life (maybe 6 years ago), that I learned I was an introvert after a lifetime of thinking I was an extrovert (mostly because I misunderstood what those two things were).
 

-OZ-

Footballguy
Grew up preoccupied / anxious.
Now I’m 99% dismissive avoidant with secure inside the family and a few tight friends.
 

dkp993

Footballguy
introvert after a lifetime of thinking I was an extrovert (mostly because I misunderstood what those two things were
Yeah don’t think many understand that these are about the transfer of energy not the ability to interact.
 
Last edited:

Terminalxylem

Footballguy
Not great with emotional intimacy, but otherwise good with communicating and trusting others. Somewhere between secure and dismissive avoidant.
 

Zow

Footballguy
Dismissive-avoidant.

Not a fan of the way this is all framed because obviously "secure" is supposed to be the answer everybody wants to select, but I definitely feel a little seen by the description of dismissive-avoidant types.
Right. I think I fall into this category of dismissive avoidant but I think I could make an argument that I may fall into the first/preferred.

The above notwithstanding, I expect a lot of dismissive avoidant answers here because that seems to be the personality most likely to enjoy messageboards (where all relationships can be arms length and we are so confident that we think others care what we have to say).
 

dkp993

Footballguy
introvert after a lifetime of thinking I was an extrovert (mostly because I misunderstood what those two things were
Yeah don’t think many understand that these are about the transfer of energy not the ability to interact.
Transfer of energy? This some pseudoscience stuff?
Lol. No. Just the quickest way for me to describe it without typing a long post.

The bottom line….. two people go to a party, both interact with people have good conversations and enjoy themselves. Person 1, the extrovert, leaves the party feeling energized by the interactions. Person 2, the introvert, leaves the party drained by the interactions.
 

Captain Cranks

Footballguy
The bottom line….. two people go to a party, both interact with people have good conversations and enjoy themselves. Person 1, the extrovert, leaves the party feeling energized by the interactions. Person 2, the introvert, leaves the party drained by the interactions.
Yeah...I used to think I was an introvert until I learned this. Myers Briggs confirmed I'm more of an extrovert despite the fact that I'm resistant to doing social things.
 

IvanKaramazov

Footballguy
introvert after a lifetime of thinking I was an extrovert (mostly because I misunderstood what those two things were
Yeah don’t think many understand that these are about the transfer of energy not the ability to interact.
Transfer of energy? This some pseudoscience stuff?
Lol. No. Just the quickest way for me to describe it without typing a long post.

The bottom line….. two people go to a party, both interact with people have good conversations and enjoy themselves. Person 1, the extrovert, leaves the party feeling energized by the interactions. Person 2, the introvert, leaves the party drained by the interactions.
This is correct IMO. I'm not naturally skilled at schmoozing with people, but I can do it just fine especially after having learned some cheat codes (listen very carefully, ask lots of questions, give the other person lots of opportunities to talk about themselves). I just absolutely hate doing it. I dread having to go to dinner appointments, receptions, or any other event where I have to be spontaneously social, and it takes me a while to recover afterward. It's not about being shy. It's about being comfortable alone and having a constant drain on my battery when I'm around other people in social environments.
 

dkp993

Footballguy
introvert after a lifetime of thinking I was an extrovert (mostly because I misunderstood what those two things were
Yeah don’t think many understand that these are about the transfer of energy not the ability to interact.
Transfer of energy? This some pseudoscience stuff?
Lol. No. Just the quickest way for me to describe it without typing a long post.

The bottom line….. two people go to a party, both interact with people have good conversations and enjoy themselves. Person 1, the extrovert, leaves the party feeling energized by the interactions. Person 2, the introvert, leaves the party drained by the interactions.
This is correct IMO. I'm not naturally skilled at schmoozing with people, but I can do it just fine especially after having learned some cheat codes (listen very carefully, ask lots of questions, give the other person lots of opportunities to talk about themselves). I just absolutely hate doing it. I dread having to go to dinner appointments, receptions, or any other event where I have to be spontaneously social, and it takes me a while to recover afterward. It's not about being shy. It's about being comfortable alone and having a constant drain on my battery when I'm around other people in social environments.
100% me. I even hate the thought of going over to my best-friends house (he’s like a brother to me) for dinner. My wife has to drag me to it every time. I end up always having a great time and glad I went but still always dread it. It’s the drain I dread really. Have a Halloween party tonight I’m currently trying my hardest to get out of. It won’t happen and I’ll end up going. Exhausted at the thought of it.

The most ironic part of all of it is my job, which I’m really good at, is leading people and talking all day.
 

Captain Cranks

Footballguy
I think the introvert vs extrovert spectrum is a different concept than attachment style. I can be pretty sociable person, but I keep people at arm's length from a trust/closeness/vulnerability perspective.
 

dkp993

Footballguy
I think the introvert vs extrovert spectrum is a different concept than attachment style. I can be pretty sociable person, but I keep people at arm's length from a trust/closeness/vulnerability perspective.
It certainly is, we got sidetracked. My bad.
 

bigbottom

I put on my robe and wizard hat
introvert after a lifetime of thinking I was an extrovert (mostly because I misunderstood what those two things were
Yeah don’t think many understand that these are about the transfer of energy not the ability to interact.
Transfer of energy? This some pseudoscience stuff?
Lol. No. Just the quickest way for me to describe it without typing a long post.

The bottom line….. two people go to a party, both interact with people have good conversations and enjoy themselves. Person 1, the extrovert, leaves the party feeling energized by the interactions. Person 2, the introvert, leaves the party drained by the interactions.

Right. I’m very outgoing and social. In spurts. Heck, I speak publicly all the time and front a band. But as an example, when we have company over at the house, say for a dinner party, I would disappear into the bedroom mid-party and lay down for say 10 minutes just to get away from the commotion and recharge. I honestly never even thought anything about it. Until I learned that this is a trademark introvert move since the social interaction is so draining.
 

bigbottom

I put on my robe and wizard hat
I think the introvert vs extrovert spectrum is a different concept than attachment style. I can be pretty sociable person, but I keep people at arm's length from a trust/closeness/vulnerability perspective.
It certainly is, we got sidetracked. My bad.

I think it was my fault. More just a matter of me feeling pretty confident about my attachment style but still having some doubt because I’m apparently not as self-aware as I thought I was.
 

Captain Cranks

Footballguy
It certainly is, we got sidetracked. My bad.
No need to apologize. My post wasn't meant to suggest it's not appropriate to discuss here. Just an opinion on the social / anti-social discussion and how it may be different. I'm sure they're tied together in some manner though.
 

Captain Cranks

Footballguy
Is there an assessment for attachment style?
Our marriage counselor had a series of questions, but not sure if it's like the Myers Briggs where it's widely used across the industry. One thing to note, you can have different attachment styles with different people. For example, my wife is Secure with her mother but Anxious with me and her father.
 

Captain Cranks

Footballguy
Right. I’m very outgoing and social. In spurts. Heck, I speak publicly all the time and front a band. But as an example, when we have company over at the house, say for a dinner party, I would disappear into the bedroom mid-party and lay down for say 10 minutes just to get away from the commotion and recharge. I honestly never even thought anything about it. Until I learned that this is a trademark introvert move since the social interaction is so draining.
Regarding attachment, after reading the four categories in the OP, where would you say you are with your wife or with your band mates?
 

gianmarco

Footballguy
Pretty sure I’m secure attachment, but I’d be interested in doing an assessment to confirm. It was very late in life (maybe 6 years ago), that I learned I was an introvert after a lifetime of thinking I was an extrovert (mostly because I misunderstood what those two things were).
I've always thought I'm an extrovert as well, but reading this made me go and take a couple tests just now. As I've gotten older, I definitely tend to prefer being alone more and don't enjoy social situations nearly as much as before.

That said, just took a couple tests and I'm definitely an "ambivert". Something I never heard of. I definitely have features of both and it's nice seeing that distinction because I really don't think I fit either end of the spectrum well anymore.
 

bigbottom

I put on my robe and wizard hat
Right. I’m very outgoing and social. In spurts. Heck, I speak publicly all the time and front a band. But as an example, when we have company over at the house, say for a dinner party, I would disappear into the bedroom mid-party and lay down for say 10 minutes just to get away from the commotion and recharge. I honestly never even thought anything about it. Until I learned that this is a trademark introvert move since the social interaction is so draining.
Regarding attachment, after reading the four categories in the OP, where would you say you are with your wife or with your band mates?

I would say I have a secure attachment style with both. In fact, I’d say I have a secure attachment style with most people. But I’m not sure I’m right.
 

Captain Cranks

Footballguy
I would say I have a secure attachment style with both. In fact, I’d say I have a secure attachment style with most people. But I’m not sure I’m right.
Here are some attributes that might help you confirm.

Characteristics of Secure Attachment Style:

• Flexible in their views, trusting, forgiving, tolerant of differences
• Keeps in contact with friends and family for the long-term
• Turns to others in times of stress, available to others in their time of need
• Considered a “people person” (this does not necessarily require an extroverted personality)
• Comfortable with intimacy and depending on others without worrying about the relationship
• Good balance of structure and nurture in parenting
 

Kal El

Footballguy
Fearful avoidant, however, I answered the questions based on my childhood, which was before we all started therapy/Celebrate Recovery. We’re still working out a few things, mostly communication based, but our relationships are much better than they were.
 

Don Quixote

Footballguy
Susan Chain’s book Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking is pretty good for anyone interested in learning a bit more about recharging element of introversion.

She refers to it as introverts needing to go their “restorative niche” after social interactions. I’m pretty introverted and found it pretty fascinating. I’m not sure anyone likes open office floor plans, but her argument against them as involving every single thing that introverts hate particularly had me nodding along.
 

bigbottom

I put on my robe and wizard hat
I would say I have a secure attachment style with both. In fact, I’d say I have a secure attachment style with most people. But I’m not sure I’m right.
Here are some attributes that might help you confirm.

Characteristics of Secure Attachment Style:

• Flexible in their views, trusting, forgiving, tolerant of differences
• Keeps in contact with friends and family for the long-term
• Turns to others in times of stress, available to others in their time of need
• Considered a “people person” (this does not necessarily require an extroverted personality)
• Comfortable with intimacy and depending on others without worrying about the relationship
• Good balance of structure and nurture in parenting

Thanks. This does sound like me. Now I hate asking people to do things for me or do me favors, but I don’t have a problem relying on others.
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Top