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Wife Cheated -- Now what do I do? (1 Viewer)

Oof.  That's terrible.  I agree with those who've said that you either have to forgive her completely or transition out of the marriage.  The kids will be fine either way so long as you end it amicably and both put them first in your divorced life.  Life is too short to live in an emotional prison waiting for the kids to move out of the house.

Seeing your avatar of the Great Gazoo reminded me of the time I got my head shaved in college.  Turned out I had a really bulbous head and one of my friends starting calling me Gazoo and it stuck until my hair grew in.  Whenever I walked into a room, someone would invariably say "Hey DumDum" in a Gazoo voice.  Good times and good luck. 

 
trogg78 said:
I would suggest marriage counseling.  She should probably go to sexaholics anonymous. Maybe it works and things get better, maybe it doesn't and it ends up in divorce.  Just imagine what it would mean for your boys if you and your wife were able to overcome this and fall in love all over again.  It is amazing how times you see kids making the same mistakes in relationships their parents made and just giving up too soon.
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From the counseling and reading I went through five years ago, this is a given unless the behaviors are corrected.  

 
While I commend you for worrying about how it will affect the kids, you only live once. You had every intention of raising them in a two-parent home, that guilt should lie with her. But again, you only live once, don't let some B#$% make the rest of it miserable for you.

Wish you the best of luck OP.

 
DartTeamGoalie said:
She confessed.  Through google history, I found things that conflicted with her story about the last guy.  I told her that she needed to tell all because if I ever found out she was still lying to her I was out the door that day.
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Did she say why these 3-4 guys over the last 10 years? 

 
trogg78 said:
I would suggest marriage counseling.  She should probably go to sexaholics anonymous. Maybe it works and things get better, maybe it doesn't and it ends up in divorce.  Just imagine what it would mean for your boys if you and your wife were able to overcome this and fall in love all over again.  It is amazing how times you see kids making the same mistakes in relationships their parents made and just giving up too soon.
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We are in counseling.  I told the counselor that I am only trying because of the kids.  I think I can forgiver her someday, but trusting/reconciliation is another issue.  I haven't rushed into a decision, and don't plan to, but I am thinking a lot about my decision.  Thus, this thread.

 
How was your marriage during these affairs?  I don't want this to be about me, but I'm in a marriage I no longer care about; I stay together b/c I like living with my kids and we're much better off financially. I personally wouldn't care if my wife had an affair or many.  

 
Sorry to hear that you are going through this.

You are completely justified in getting a divorce, and your desire to keep your promises to your children and their birth mothers is also commendable.  I would say that I don't think it is an either/or situation; you can still care for your kids even after a divorce.

Both of your options suck, but whichever you chose will be the correct one.

 
Four times?  The contempt she has for you is strong.

Even if mental health issues play a role, you can always wish her the best in her healing, but she needs to do that on her own, away from you.  She may appear "cured" after some therapy, but real mental illness can take decades to recover from, if at all.  Do you want to spend your marriage worring when she'll relapse?

 
Mookie said:
Oof.  That's terrible.  I agree with those who've said that you either have to forgive her completely or transition out of the marriage.  The kids will be fine either way so long as you end it amicably and both put them first in your divorced life.  Life is too short to live in an emotional prison waiting for the kids to move out of the house.

Seeing your avatar of the Great Gazoo reminded me of the time I got my head shaved in college.  Turned out I had a really bulbous head and one of my friends starting calling me Gazoo and it stuck until my hair grew in.  Whenever I walked into a room, someone would invariably say "Hey DumDum" in a Gazoo voice.  Good times and good luck. 
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Ha.  I have a a big head that is mostly bald.  I never thought about the appropriateness of Gazoo for me.

 
It's probably been said, but I believe that trying to maintain that family would be more harmful to the kids than moving on. 

 
So if you were truly going to divorce you would have already done it. It's obvious you love the kids so let's discuss actual options should you decide to not follow thru on divorce right now. What terms or options can you work with for the immediate moment? Is sleeping in different rooms an option? 

 
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NutterButter said:
How was your marriage during these affairs?  I don't want this to be about me, but I'm in a marriage I no longer care about; I stay together b/c I like living with my kids and we're much better off financially. I personally wouldn't care if my wife had an affair or many.  
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I thought our marriage was pretty good.  There was a time when she was distant physically for a while, and I thought it was because she had switched b/c pills.  We argued some but not all the time/every day.  Maybe 1 or 2 a month at most.  And almost all of our disagreements related to the kids.  When they should go to sleep alone, for instance.  Stupid stuff.  And when this happened first, before we had kids, we hardly ever argued.  I told her I loved her and kissed her goodbye every day. 

I didn't buy her gifts and flowers as often as when we were dating, but I thought she understood that the $2,000/month mortgage payment on our "dream house"  was an acceptable alternative. 

 
Tom Skerritt said:
It's probably been said, but I believe that trying to maintain that family would be more harmful to the kids than moving on. 
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Is breaking the family apart and having his kids visit him in a 1 bedroom apartment and watch dad struggle and suffer for their entire teenage years, that sounds like a healthy environment? Dad is supposed to smile and grin and bear it?

Dad didn't choose all this, why should his life continue to suffer and sink? Maybe it could be better but it also might be worse.

 
Ministry of Pain said:
He has to deal with a whore right now but after he leaves he will be living in a 1 bedroom apartment and paying $1,000 a month in child support plus watching his kids raised by some alpha male named Dirk.
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I know divorce courts heavily tip the scales toward moms, but in situations where the wife obviously blew up the marriage by cheating over and over...surely a better outcome is expected.  

 
I think this is a decision that you should take some time over. I think you want to do as much counseling with her as you can to see if you will be able to get to place where you can be married to her and not resent what she has done in the past and to see if you think she can get to a place where she won't continue cheating on you. I also think individual counseling for each of you would be good, but especially her so that she can really determine whether her issues with cheating are more about her childhood or about your marriage and you.

Four years ago, my wife went through a midlife crisis, started going out to bars and partying without me, and after two years of this got to a place where she admitted she was an alcoholic and wanted to get sober. I supported her decision and after two weeks of sobriety she admitted that she had been unfaithful. This did not come as a surprise to me, but I was willing to reconcile with her because alcohol was a big factor in her infidelity. BTW, we have two boys, 13 and 7. After about 2 months of sobriety she decided she couldn't imagine never having a drink again, and started drinking again. About 9 months after that we decided to get divorced.

We did go through counseling together and she went to counseling on her own. By the time we decided to get divorced, I knew that I couldn't make her get sober, and that we couldn't have a healthy marriage as long as she was drinking. When I got divorced, I was comfortable that I had done everything I could to save the marriage. I don't regret getting a divorce, but I may have if I hadn't made every reasonable effort to try to save my marriage. 

I hope that helps your decision making

 
VandyMan said:
I know divorce courts heavily tip the scales toward moms, but in situations where the wife obviously blew up the marriage by cheating over and over...surely a better outcome is expected.  
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OP should definitely make sure that he has proof of her infidelities secured in some way, so it doesn't "disappear"

 
Ministry of Pain said:
So if you were truly going to divorce you would have already done it. It's obvious you love the kids so let's discuss actual options should you decide to not follow thru on divorce right now. What terms or options can you work with for the immediate moment? Is sleeping in different rooms an option? 
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I don't want to divorce but it is not off the table.  I only get to make this decision once and I am taking my time.  I have been giving counseling a chance for the sake of the boys.  We are sleeping separately now and maybe could do that long term.

Someone mentioned an open marriage earlier.  I have created accounts on a couple dating sights because that is where my heart is -- meeting someone new.  If I could find a way to live there for the sake of the kids and date....   Who would want to date a guy in that situation though.

 
If she is truly remorseful and wants to 'make it right' then she will need to recognize the only way to do that is an amicable split.  As noted above, this behavior was a repeated pattern, and unlikely to change long term regardless.

Tell her that if she really cares about the kids, you and honestly, herself, she needs to be honest about her decisions and actions to date and let everyone move on with a new life, with a focus on a smooth as possible, positive as possible transition for the kids. 
 

Best of luck.

 
It was a decent attempt.  There are two main failings:

1. "I've been a lurker here for..." - better would have been "I am using a fake username as I don't want this to be connected with me".  

2. I found a letter - no one writes love letters anymore, or really for some time.  This was the fatal misstep

If it was Friday I would have let the whole thing slide.  The bit about adopted children was at least a point in your favor, but not enough to counter the above

 
NutterButter said:
How was your marriage during these affairs?  I don't want this to be about me, but I'm in a marriage I no longer care about; I stay together b/c I like living with my kids and we're much better off financially. I personally wouldn't care if my wife had an affair or many.  
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I can't remember if you've ever discussed your marriage in a different thread but I'd be interested in hearing about it.  I'm in a similar situation.  Well, "no longer care about" might be a little harsh, but there's no doubt in my mind I'd be divorced if we were child-free.

 
DartTeamGoalie said:
No.  Just the most recent one in that they were working together on a project and got close.
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You can do this thru a lawyer but there might be a way to end the divorce and not take such a hit financially...I should ask what she does because if she can't support herself then this is going to get a lot uglier. 

I would split custody of the kids, she takes one legally(7 yr old) and you take the other one legally(10 yr old), there is no mandated child support as each is financially responsible for one of the children. Of course the children will not be split up in the real world, they are back and forth between the two of you. And of course you will pay for all medical and food and such but you are not paying for her rent/mortgage at the new spot, she's gonna have to go out and work to make it happen. 

I'm simply saying do not close off any ideas or doors right now. People in here live in make believe world but I know different and I believe your story. It hurts like hell but I want you to forgive yourself and do not beat yourself up. You're a good man and you love your children or you wouldn't be sitting here opening yourself up to all kinds of personal questions. 

These kids will become adults in 8-10 years and you will still help them throughout your life but I have to believe you could help them more and yourself long term if you can try to avoid what will be an eye popping number of money each month and only remind you each month of what was stripped from you...buddy it sux. 

I really hope you can get out and have a little fun to clear your head. 

 
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By the way, I'll share my thoughts on your concern about your children being "adopted".

The fact they are adopted changes absolutely nothing.  When you adopted them, they became your children just as much as if you had biologically produced them.  You both have been their mother and father since the day you got them and you both are there mother and father and it doesn't add any wrinkle to this situation whatsoever.  There is no asterisk.  There is no "our children but...".  Those are your children and I'm sure you've always thought of them that way.

So please, for the sake of trying to decide what to do, completely eliminate the idea that your children being adopted should have any influence on the decision.  It doesn't whatsoever.  Your situation is exactly the same as any family going through the same thing with children and trying to come to a decision that is best for you and for your children.

 
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Do I love her?  I have been trying to answer that.  Not in the way that I did for sure.  I let her hug me every morning before I leave for work (a concession I make because at one point her counselor wanted to admit her to psych center and I don't want that).  When she hugs me I feel nothing for her.  I guess I still love her in some "agape" way, but certainly not in an "eros" way.  I don't hate her, and she is still the mother of my kids. 

 
VandyMan said:
I know divorce courts heavily tip the scales toward moms, but in situations where the wife obviously blew up the marriage by cheating over and over...surely a better outcome is expected.  
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I'm telling you that men get nothing in divorce court and in paternity court once all that is legally established. The male in the court's view is nothing but a money pump to raise children with, his feelings are inconsequential and should not be taken into account. Do I make myself clear Commodore?

 
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dhockster said:
I think this is a decision that you should take some time over. I think you want to do as much counseling with her as you can to see if you will be able to get to place where you can be married to her and not resent what she has done in the past and to see if you think she can get to a place where she won't continue cheating on you. I also think individual counseling for each of you would be good, but especially her so that she can really determine whether her issues with cheating are more about her childhood or about your marriage and you.

Four years ago, my wife went through a midlife crisis, started going out to bars and partying without me, and after two years of this got to a place where she admitted she was an alcoholic and wanted to get sober. I supported her decision and after two weeks of sobriety she admitted that she had been unfaithful. This did not come as a surprise to me, but I was willing to reconcile with her because alcohol was a big factor in her infidelity. BTW, we have two boys, 13 and 7. After about 2 months of sobriety she decided she couldn't imagine never having a drink again, and started drinking again. About 9 months after that we decided to get divorced.

We did go through counseling together and she went to counseling on her own. By the time we decided to get divorced, I knew that I couldn't make her get sober, and that we couldn't have a healthy marriage as long as she was drinking. When I got divorced, I was comfortable that I had done everything I could to save the marriage. I don't regret getting a divorce, but I may have if I hadn't made every reasonable effort to try to save my marriage. 

I hope that helps your decision making
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I respect you for trying as hard as you did.  Thanks for the advice.

 
DartTeamGoalie said:
So I am mostly a lurker on here, and I know you don't know me, but I really am looking for advice.  I discovered in March that my wife had been unfaithful to me.  Long story short, she has been involved with four guys over the past 11 - 12 years.  Three were physical, and the fourth mostly emotional over email, although they did meet twice and kiss.  The letter I found to the most recent guy said that he was her true love and if they had met under different circumstances, she would have chose him over me.  She is now very remorseful and wants to reconcile.

I know what you are thinking.... drop her like a hot rock.  I mostly agree, but there is a complication.  We have two sons, aged 10 & 7, and they are both adopted.  As I am sure most any parent in my situation would, I have strong hesitations about ripping their lives apart.  But the fact that they are adopted makes it feel worse.  I feel like in essence we made a pledge to their birth mothers to provide them with a stable loving home as they grow up.  The fact that she had already been unfaithful once before we adopted infuriates me beyond words. 

So what say you?  I am prepared to stay for the benefit of the kids, but I don't think I want to.  We are going to counseling but quite honestly I can't ever see me truly wanting to be married to her again.  God help me.

I await your comments.  I don't mind schtick and smart ### comments, but I am not really in the mood for them.

Thanks.
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Find a new mommy for the kids. You're better than that.

Sorry for your loss, things will feel normal again in a year or so. You can't go on like this.

 
DartTeamGoalie said:
I don't want to divorce but it is not off the table.  I only get to make this decision once and I am taking my time.  I have been giving counseling a chance for the sake of the boys.  We are sleeping separately now and maybe could do that long term.

Someone mentioned an open marriage earlier.  I have created accounts on a couple dating sights because that is where my heart is -- meeting someone new.  If I could find a way to live there for the sake of the kids and date....   Who would want to date a guy in that situation though.
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So you're cheating on her now by doing this. This "for kids sake" is total BS. You really need your own counseling. The best thing you can do for the kids long term is to get out of this environment.  She has a lot of issues and so do you. Until you fix your issues you are going to find the exact same woman.

 
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wilked said:
It was a decent attempt.  There are two main failings:

1. "I've been a lurker here for..." - better would have been "I am using a fake username as I don't want this to be connected with me".  

2. I found a letter - no one writes love letters anymore, or really for some time.  This was the fatal misstep

If it was Friday I would have let the whole thing slide.  The bit about adopted children was at least a point in your favor, but not enough to counter the above
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You know...we get someone to come along and entertain us, I'm trying my best to keep it going and you come along and want to ruin Christmas you RB! 

 
VandyMan said:
I know divorce courts heavily tip the scales toward moms, but in situations where the wife obviously blew up the marriage by cheating over and over...surely a better outcome is expected.  
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Most family law judges will award joint custody and will split each parent's time with the children as close to 50-50 as possible because there's a presumption that's in the child's best interests.  Unless DartTeam's attorney can show that the same mental problems which lead his wife to jump on erect penises also cause her to be a bad mom when with the kids, I'd suspect that her cheating has absolutely no ramifications on placement or custody.

 
DartTeamGoalie said:
Since this has come out she brought up some childhood sexual trauma.  No adults involved... sounded like curious kids experimenting from the little that she has told me.  Also, her home life sucked as a child, with her parents fighting all the time.  Also she says she feels like she was a different person then and doesn't know how she could have done such horrible things.

Mental issues at the root of this, or is she just saying this to try and cover her ###?
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To do what she has done she has to be very manipulative.   If the sexual trauma was a big deal she would have confided in you before this....way before this.

 
wilked said:
It was a decent attempt.  There are two main failings:

1. "I've been a lurker here for..." - better would have been "I am using a fake username as I don't want this to be connected with me".  

2. I found a letter - no one writes love letters anymore, or really for some time.  This was the fatal misstep

If it was Friday I would have let the whole thing slide.  The bit about adopted children was at least a point in your favor, but not enough to counter the above
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LOL.  I wish I were fishing.  Look at my join date and post history.  It's not like I created this account today.  And, it was an electronic letter FWIW.  Thanks, though.  You made me smile.

 
DartTeamGoalie said:
Someone mentioned an open marriage earlier.  I have created accounts on a couple dating sights because that is where my heart is -- meeting someone new.  If I could find a way to live there for the sake of the kids and date....   Who would want to date a guy in that situation though.
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Step two of the intermediate fisherman.  Once initial discussion flattens out, introduce new seed for topic to branch

 
Wrighteous Ray said:
I can't remember if you've ever discussed your marriage in a different thread but I'd be interested in hearing about it.  I'm in a similar situation.  Well, "no longer care about" might be a little harsh, but there's no doubt in my mind I'd be divorced if we were child-free.
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Best of luck... I know what you are going through.

 
DartTeamGoalie said:
I thought our marriage was pretty good.  There was a time when she was distant physically for a while, and I thought it was because she had switched b/c pills.  We argued some but not all the time/every day.  Maybe 1 or 2 a month at most.  And almost all of our disagreements related to the kids.  When they should go to sleep alone, for instance.  Stupid stuff.  And when this happened first, before we had kids, we hardly ever argued.  I told her I loved her and kissed her goodbye every day. 

I didn't buy her gifts and flowers as often as when we were dating, but I thought she understood that the $2,000/month mortgage payment on our "dream house"  was an acceptable alternative. 
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If you guys use b/c, why did you decide to adopt.    Just curious. 

 
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