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Funny things your kid has said

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3 year old, going on 4, is getting more independent. So wife left her alone on the toilet. A few minutes later, wife happens upon her, fully dressed, in the playroom and says, “Did you wipe your bottom? Did you flush the toilet? Did you wash your hands?” 

Daughter said, “I didn’t do any of that,” and walked back into the bathroom. 

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On 10/24/2019 at 8:47 AM, Clown Car said:

Last night my #2 daughter (20yo) took me to see Chicago at the university here. We had a very nice time and she posted about it on insta or snap or something. 
My #1 daughter (23) texted her and said “when I saw you were on a date I was a little jealous. When I saw it was with mom, I was very jealous!”

 Not hilarious funny, but it did make me really happy. 

LOOK AT ME, MY KIDS STILL LOVE ME!

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5 hours ago, Jaysus said:

LOOK AT ME, MY KIDS STILL LOVE ME!

Here’s a “look at me! My adult kids listened and learned something from me!”

#2 is going through a break up. She was discussing things with #1 and said “I told her blah blah blah”. #1 says “that was not you. That was mom speaking through you. You are not that smart or wise. You just used her words!” 

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Parent teacher conferences today, telling my 4 year old how his teacher had glowing reviews and we're all very proud, he turns to me and says I talked to your coworkers and they only had bad things to say, specifically I spill too much coffee.

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3 minutes ago, lumpy19 said:

Parent teacher conferences today, telling my 4 year old how his teacher had glowing reviews and we're all very proud, he turns to me and says I talked to your coworkers and they only had bad things to say, specifically I spill too much coffee.

Sounds to me like take your kid to work day should be off the table next year.

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4 minutes ago, Leroy Hoard said:

Sounds to me like take your kid to work day should be off the table next year.

Like his coffee.

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Last night I was talking to my son (8yo) about how he did a good job putting in effort in school the first quarter.  Part of the conversation:

Me: Your effort is what's going to make you successful.  You're a very smart kid and if you keep putting in this effort, you'll be able to do whatever you want for a living...

KanilJr: *happy smile*

Me: ...you've got a very smart mom...

KanilJr: *agreeing smile*

Me: …and a very smart dad...

KanilJr: *skeptical/questioning look*

Me: … *wtf* OMG WHATS THAT LOOK?

KanilJr: *sympathetic skeptical/questioning look*

Me: What's that look for?  I'm very smart!!!!

KanilJr: *gives the so/so hand tilting back and forth*  "mehhhhhh"

Me: You're grounded until you're married.

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Driving my 4YO daugher to pre-school the other day.  Just the two of us in the car.  

She says (randomly):  "Dad, if you crash the car and go to jail, where will I go?"  

 

Another one (same daughter, when she was barely 3).... For what seemed like 3-4 months straight, she insisted on going up to just about anyone she met, and telling them "We don't say godd#mmit."  

Edited by Golden Gopher
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On 4/7/2017 at 1:07 PM, El Floppo said:

I can't remember if I mentioned one of 5yo Floppinha's catch-phrases... "what in the what?!"

and even though she's coming up on 6 with most of a year of kindergarten under her belt, she still says "whobody". and I still hope she never stops.

:( She stopped

 

but going back and rereading some of  this thread has been amazing. Genuinely amazing. All the loves to all of you parents for sharing this stuff.

 

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13 hours ago, El Floppo said:

:( She stopped

 

but going back and rereading some of  this thread has been amazing. Genuinely amazing. All the loves to all of you parents for sharing this stuff.

 

 

8 hours ago, rockaction said:

I'll second Flop. This is an awesome thread. 

Hey you two, save it for the "Awesome stories your internet friends share" thread!

Just kidding, great thread and :censored:if I keep forgetting to add to it.

Lately my 10yo keeps dropping the "Oh Snap" and "That's gonna leave a mark"!

And one I should save for the "funny things you said to your kids (that at least you think are funny)" thread... 10 year old has had a rough time at soccer lately.  Scrapped knees, hit in the head by the ball from close range (possible concussion)... trying to console her and make sure she wasn't afraid of the ball, I asked her "what happens when it stops hurting?"  Puzzled she looks at me.  I said "When it stops hurting it doesn't hurt any more".  She laughed hysterically for a few mins although most of it I'm sure was fake laughing at me.... 

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Asked my 4 y.o. daughter what kind of song they sing at the end of the school day before dismissal (her schedule says "pack backpacks and dismissal song").  

Me:  "After you pack your backpacks and put on your jackets, what song do you sing?  Is it the same song every day or a different one sometimes?" 

Her: "Well.......I can't remember exactly.  Why don't you just text me tomorrow while we're packing up backpacks and I'll let you know what song we sing!" 

Me (after laughing):  "How am I going to text you, you don't have a phone"

Her:  "Well you can text my teacher then and I'll get her to tell you"

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This morning, while taking my 9YO and 7YO to school, we turned down one of the outdoor hallways, and my 4YO appeared to continue to walk straight, to which I said "This way."  She replied with "Dad, you're embarassing me."  

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On 1/10/2019 at 8:36 AM, Fat Nick said:

 

I love when they mispronounce things, and you repeat exactly what they say (mispronounced) and they correct you by saying it wrong again - exactly as you said it.  :lmao::lmao::lmao:

My son can't say "boobytrap."  He calls them "foomietraps."  I have no clue why he can't say it.  I joke with him setting "foomie traps," and he has the same dialogue you posted above.  "No Dad!  Not a foomietrap, a FOOMIETRAP!"  Hes often has an ear infection, and my hearing is horrible, so that probably doesn't help...

WHAT?

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My 7-year old boy likes to have little discussions with himself, usually while playing Army men or Legos, but sometimes it'll just be randomly when he's in the bath or something.

Well, apparently (and according to my almost-9-year old daughter who took the liberty of writing me a note to tell me), he was chattering away in the bathtub last night (I was at a work networking event and wife was at work, so my Mom was over) and said "F*** turkey!"

He is not a fan of Thanksgiving food... or pretty much anything besides french fries, chicken nuggets and PB&J's.  

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kid is currently enrolled in a "life skills" class in middle school

she hates it

she told me the other day how useless & boring it is.   "dad, why do i need to learn how to do  things like laundry & sewing & cooking and like other dumb life stuff... it's not like i'm going to need it since you just do it for me."

 

well......... brace yourself, kid.

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1 hour ago, mr. furley said:

kid is currently enrolled in a "life skills" class in middle school

she hates it

she told me the other day how useless & boring it is.   "dad, why do i need to learn how to do  things like laundry & sewing & cooking and like other dumb life stuff... it's not like i'm going to need it since you just do it for me."

 

well......... brace yourself, kid.

College is going to be loads of fun.  Did you explain it to her or are you going to surprise her?

Edited by Mrs. Rannous
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2 hours ago, Mrs. Rannous said:

College is going to be loads of fun.  Did you explain it to her or are you going to surprise her?

well, she's going to get a LOT of practice between now and then so it won't be a shock when she gets to that age.

 

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1 minute ago, Navin Johnson said:

Me:  Do you know who Martin Luther King Jr. is?

5-year-old-son: Martin Luther King's son?

This kid is going places. :thumbup:

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On Skyliner at Walt Disney World. Daughter asks how the gondolas fly. Is it magic?

I pipe in with, “No, it’s...”

9 year old interrupts me.

”Let her be a child!”

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Kids discussing what time they woke up This morning. One says 7:30, one says 8:15. #10 4yo says “I got up at 42!”

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20 hours ago, nirad3 said:

My 7-year old boy likes to have little discussions with himself, usually while playing Army men or Legos, but sometimes it'll just be randomly when he's in the bath or something.

Well, apparently (and according to my almost-9-year old daughter who took the liberty of writing me a note to tell me), he was chattering away in the bathtub last night (I was at a work networking event and wife was at work, so my Mom was over) and said "F*** turkey!"

He is not a fan of Thanksgiving food... or pretty much anything besides french fries, chicken nuggets and PB&J's.  

He probably just really doesn't like Erdogan.

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You know how some kids around the primary grades have learned to enjoy jokes and like telling jokes and then try out crafting their own jokes? This was my youngest daughter's effort at a knock-knock joke when she was a 2nd-grader...

Her: Knock-knock
Me: Who's there?
Her: Satan's dentist.
Me: Satan's dentist who?
At this point she just stared at me incredulously as if she couldn't understand how I failed to be impressed by Satan's dentist.

Edited by Despyzer
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Not sure if I wrote this last year, but it seems the kid has things figured out with her Christmas list.  She wrote separate ones for each section of family that may be getting her gifts.  Shes been doing this a year or two now.

She is 10.

Lists for:
Me
Her mom (we are divorced)
Grandparents on her moms side
Grandmother on my side
Her aunt/uncle (my sister)

And I do believe Santa will get a separate one.  We are wondering if she still believes or just doesn't want to ruin it for us....  

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6 minutes ago, B Maverick said:

Not sure if I wrote this last year, but it seems the kid has things figured out with her Christmas list.  She wrote separate ones for each section of family that may be getting her gifts.  Shes been doing this a year or two now.

She is 10.

Lists for:
Me
Her mom (we are divorced)
Grandparents on her moms side
Grandmother on my side
Her aunt/uncle (my sister)

And I do believe Santa will get a separate one.  We are wondering if she still believes or just doesn't want to ruin it for us....  

You have a smart kid. This is a good thing.

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3 year old... holding hand out to me in a “go away” motion:

”My whole heart is for Mommy.”

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5 hours ago, Mr. Ham said:

3 year old... holding hand out to me in a “go away” motion:

”My whole heart is for Mommy.”

My nearly 3 year old daughter has a new habit. She rips audible farts, waits a beat, and then says “what’s that smell?” without a hint of irony every time.

Who’s the loser here?

Edited by RUSF18
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11 hours ago, RUSF18 said:

My nearly 3 year old daughter has a new habit. She rips audible farts, waits a beat, and then says “what’s that smell?” without a hint of irony every time.

Who’s the loser here?

I'm sure she did NOT pick that up from you.

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A couple jems from the 4 year old this week:

1.  We pick up her 13 year old brother (for whatever reason, she has resorted to calling him "bro" or even more recently, "brah") from basketball.  I wasn't paying attention, but I hear this exasperated sigh and hear "let me roll this window down" followed by her yelling out the window (it was about 20 degrees) -- "bro, why don't you have any pants on??!!"   I just about pissed myself.  The tone of the sigh was very much like "let me roll down this window and holla at this mofo".  

2.   At her daycare, they have a letter of the week, so we have been treated to "A is for Apple" and "C is for Cookie" pictures that they have sent home of drawings, stickers, etc.   Today, I open up her take home folder and I am treated to THIS jem.  

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2 hours ago, KarmaPolice said:

2.   At her daycare, they have a letter of the week, so we have been treated to "A is for Apple" and "C is for Cookie" pictures that they have sent home of drawings, stickers, etc.   Today, I open up her take home folder and I am treated to THIS jem.  

Make sure you keep this for later.  I guarantee hilarity.

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18 hours ago, Mrs. Rannous said:
20 hours ago, KarmaPolice said:

2.   At her daycare, they have a letter of the week, so we have been treated to "A is for Apple" and "C is for Cookie" pictures that they have sent home of drawings, stickers, etc.   Today, I open up her take home folder and I am treated to THIS jem.  

Make sure you keep this for later.  I guarantee hilarity.

The humor part of this went over my head I think...mostly, I'm just in awe of the concept/graphic realization.

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1 hour ago, El Floppo said:

The humor part of this went over my head I think...mostly, I'm just in awe of the concept/graphic realization.

I don't know any of the other parents well enough, but I am curious if all of them that were sent home were so nicely dong shaped, or just hers.  

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57 minutes ago, KarmaPolice said:

I don't know any of the other parents well enough, but I am curious if all of them that were sent home were so nicely dong shaped, or just hers.  

:doh:

:bag:

Jfc...how on Earth did I miss that... :lmao:

Still a great J and jellyfish phallus

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On 12/8/2019 at 9:33 PM, El Floppo said:

:doh:

:bag:

Jfc...how on Earth did I miss that... :lmao:

Still a great J and jellyfish phallus

Wow.  I think I'm a bit disappointed with you right now.

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7 hours ago, Mrs. Rannous said:

Wow.  I think I'm a bit disappointed with you right now.

we all are

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On 12/7/2019 at 10:22 PM, KarmaPolice said:

 

2.   At her daycare, they have a letter of the week, so we have been treated to "A is for Apple" and "C is for Cookie" pictures that they have sent home of drawings, stickers, etc.   Today, I open up her take home folder and I am treated to THIS jem.  

Maybe they’re creatively using leftover drawings from the C or D week.  :shrug:

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Wife, 9 year old and I watched Mandalorian last night. Put earphones in 3 yo so she’d watch YouTube Kids and be quiet.

(She’s not quiet.)

In the climax of an episode, when we’re all riveted, 3 yo yells (unable to hear herself with headphones on)...

”You Guys! You Guys!”

She pulls headphones off, makes a silly face, and says, “HO! HO! HO!!!”

Then she puts the headphones back on, goes back to total concentration on whatever she’s watching, and leaves the three of us in hysterics she can’t hear.

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The other day my 11-year old eternally naive autistic daughter came home from school to tell my wife:

"My friend Jayden (a girl) told me she kissed a girl at school today."

My smart-### 9 year old son: "LOL - so she's a lesbian!"

My daughter: "No, she's Irish."

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My kids recently discovered whisper mode on Alexa. So my youngest will come and whisper stuff at times and see if we understand.

My wife told my 4 year old a message to give to me so she came to me on the couch and asked if she could whisper in my ear.  I said sure.

Her (whispering): "Sampson has to go potty" (one of our dogs)

Me: "Santa hates karate?"

Her: (starts giggling and laughing hysterically): No! Sampson has to go potty.....

(and then in a very serious tone) "But Santa does hate karate".

And walks off.

Edited by gianmarco
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Mrs. Kanil, Kaniljr (8yo), and I went skiing today.  My wife likes to listen to music while she skis and had her "Ski" playlist going.

At the end of the day, we get into the car and her phone starts automatically playing the playlist.  At one point "Hooker with a Penis" by Tool comes on.  My wife and I quickly change it before Kaniljr can see the name, or so we thought.  Right after we locked eyes in a, "that was a close one" stare....

Kaniljr: *giggle*

Mrskanil: Guess we didn't catch that one in time, haha.

Me: hah, guess not. 

*5 second passes*

Kaniljr: What's a hooker?

Me: Something you're not old enough to know. 

MrsKanil (to me): I don't even know Howe to explain that to him.  There's a lot of things we have to teach him about before we can even come close to answering that one.   That's like 5 layers deep in the onion. 

Kaniljr: What layer am I on? 

Mrskanil: your onion is still in the produce section. 

Me: 😂🤣

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On 12/7/2019 at 8:22 PM, KarmaPolice said:

A couple jems from the 4 year old this week:

1.  We pick up her 13 year old brother (for whatever reason, she has resorted to calling him "bro" or even more recently, "brah") from basketball.  I wasn't paying attention, but I hear this exasperated sigh and hear "let me roll this window down" followed by her yelling out the window (it was about 20 degrees) -- "bro, why don't you have any pants on??!!"   I just about pissed myself.  The tone of the sigh was very much like "let me roll down this window and holla at this mofo".  

2.   At her daycare, they have a letter of the week, so we have been treated to "A is for Apple" and "C is for Cookie" pictures that they have sent home of drawings, stickers, etc.   Today, I open up her take home folder and I am treated to THIS jem.  

https://toofab.com/2019/12/13/thousands-of-10-inch-throbbing-penis-fish-wash-up-on-californian-shore/

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My boys go by their middle names, which makes it hard to “middle name” them when they are in trouble. So I will reverse order their names for fullest impact possible but it just sounds silly. Yesterday I told #10 (5yo today!):

middle name first name, please clear your breakfast dishes. 

He replies: “clown car mommy, you do it for me!”

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Daughter turned 4 last week. We’re getting ready to go to another kid’s party, Davis. Wife gets in shower. 9 year old asks daughter, “Where’d Mommy go?”

Daughter: “She’s in the shower so Davis will know that she’s clean.”

Edited by Mr. Ham
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Earlier today, daughter hit son hard in the nuts. He was down for a few minutes. Wife reprimanded her, and daughter represented herself in the trial. “I didn’t do it. I don’t even go to learning school.”

Irrefutable. Jury acquitted. 

Edited by Mr. Ham
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Driving in car with wife and kids. Daughter, 4, toots. Wife enquires if that was a toot or a poop. Daughter says toot.

Minute later, 9 year old says, “Hey dad, want to know the first and second difference between a toot and a poop?”

”What’s that, son?”

”I don’t know, but I can tell you the turd.”

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11 hours ago, Mr. Ham said:

Driving in car with wife and kids. Daughter, 4, toots. Wife enquires if that was a toot or a poop. Daughter says toot.

Minute later, 9 year old says, “Hey dad, want to know the first and second difference between a toot and a poop?”

”What’s that, son?”

”I don’t know, but I can tell you the turd.”

What was going on under the hood of the above story is my best advertisement for why having kids is AMAZING.

As he was delivering the punchline, my 9 year old was already starting to crack up, because:

A) He knew Mom was about to come down on him like a ton of bricks, but...

B) He also knew it was funny and was 100% going to get me going, which...

C) Was all he really cared about because...

D) Then his 4 year old sister would have an over-the-top laughing fit and...

E) Mom would reluctantly laugh despite herself...

You could tell as he started to erupt in a belly laugh that he foresaw all of this, and he reveled in birthing it. And for 10-15 seconds, all was completely right in the world. There is no orchestra that can produce something more beautiful.

Edited by Mr. Ham
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