Caught wife texting another guy and hiding it - what's the play? (1 Viewer)

[SaintsInDome2006]

A little background here, wife of 22 years who never gave any hint of cheating. At 11:30 Christmas eve, a text comes from Katie. The next day I ask who is Katie, she tells me its coworker from NY. When I ask why CT #, she goes on to tell me its really a divorce guy she works with that going thru a tough time. I ask to see text but they're all deleted and when I ask that we can recover deleted texts she refuses saying I would get wrong message. She has hid her phone, changed the passcode, deleted everything from ipad, and deleted all recent phone #'s. She indicates nothing ever happen outside of having a few drinks one night at a work function....

Couple thoughts:

- The phone bill should show the numbers texted to over the course of the month. You may not be able to get the messages but you can see how often they were texting. If you are in a situation where you wife won't show you her phone bill then you have bigger problems than this incident.

- You have an iPad. Do you back up to iCloud? Then the texts may indeed be there, you would have to re-import them back in. Even if you don't have access to her phone if you have access to the iPad and the iCloud then there's a solution to seeing the texts.

 

[Al O'Pecia]

Did it spice up your sex life?

Yes - she been very active 2-3 X per day....

2-3 times per day after 22 years of marriage? Dude, you need to make this sound more believable.

I'm not kidding.....

Then why are you complaining? That's like a month of activity for some of us long married folk, and now you have a 'Get Out of Jail Free' card.Besides, you have no idea if your wife is hiding the messages because "Katie" is some guy who 's railing her out. Let's not jump to negative conclusions. Katie could be a hitman she's negotiating with to kill you for all we know.

 

[ROCKET]

First of all I'm sorry for the gut punch you are no doubt enduring. I think you need to tell us if your relationship was bad/good/great before all this and how committed you are to it? Everyone is different.

I have a good to great marriage (every marriage has challenges) and love my wife but I can say with 100% certainty if I caught her texting some guy behind my back we would be finished regardless if she screwed him or not. It's a matter of trust and if you truly love someone you don't do sheit like that to them.

Do you have kids?

Yes three, (two with my wife, one prior). Youngest is 14, daughter just turned 21 and in college. I don't care if I had 10 kids all under 13. There are just some things I wouldn't tolerate personally.

 

[NewlyRetired]

There are 2, possibly separate, reasons why she deleted the texts

1) sexting

2) complaining about her own marriage, likely putting the original poster is a bad light

What would the original poster prefer if he ends up seeing the texts if there was a choice between the two above scenarios?

 

[(HULK)]

There are 2, possibly separate, reasons why she deleted the texts

1) sexting

2) complaining about her own marriage, likely putting the Original poster is a bad light

What would the original poster prefer if he ends up seeing the texts if there was a choice?

You don't get a cross gender alias if you're just a sounding board imo. 2 isn't a realistic option. Its 1, and probably a real world physical relationship as well.

 

[tonydead]

There are 2, possibly separate, reasons why she deleted the texts

1) sexting

2) complaining about her own marriage, likely putting the original poster is a bad light

What would the original poster prefer if he ends up seeing the texts if there was a choice between the two above scenarios?

And neither divorce worthy IMO.

 

[Ditkaless Wonders]

Thank her for the 22 years. Tell her you are hurt, that you never thought things would end in distrust and doubt. Let her know she has one opportunity to address that distrust and doubt and to repair matters. Be very clear about this and mean it yourself. If she does not produce everything to your satisfaction end it. Life is short. stress, doubt and mistrust are killers. Not everything is permanent. Accept that people can grow apart. Don't harbor anger that fairytale endings rarely happen outside of fairytales, move on amicably for the sake of the kids.

You are lucky. She has a job. she can contribute to her own support and the kid's support. Living single beats dying a bit everyday in stress in an unhappy and untrusting marriage.

Either outcome, restored relationship or a new chapter in life, I wish you well.

 

[ROCKET]

Thank her for the 22 years. Tell her you are hurt, that you never thought things would end in distrust and doubt. Let her know she has one opportunity to address that distrust and doubt and to repair matters. Be very clear about this and mean it yourself. If she does not produce everything to your satisfaction end it. Life is short. stress, doubt and mistrust are killers. Not everything is permanent. Accept that people can grow apart. Don't harbor anger that fairytale endings rarely happen outside of fairytales, move on amicably for the sake of the kids.

You are lucky. She has a job. she can contribute to her own support and the kid's support. Living single beats dying a bit everyday in stress in an unhappy and untrusting marriage.

Either outcome, restored relationship or a new chapter in life, I wish you well.

Best advice so far

 

[McGarnicle]

Something like this is like the warden leaving your prison door open. Be free Andy Dufresne, be free.....

This is the correct answer.

 

[kentric]

Think it through whether you really want to see those texts. People will say things via text or email they'd never say in person. Once you see them, they can never be unseen and you'll be thinking about the content forever. Especially if you want to try and make the marriage work.

This isn't some random guy she bumped into on the net and decided to sext with. This is a guy who she has met in person. You don't say things via text with a person who has gone through a divorce and whom you have met without it being serious.

 

[General Malaise]

I've been in a similar situation. There is more than texting going on. I'm speaking from experience. She will deny, deny, deny until she is convinced herself there is nothing more than texting. Sorry dude.

Yup.

 

[Wildcat]

Thank her for the 22 years. Tell her you are hurt, that you never thought things would end in distrust and doubt. Let her know she has one opportunity to address that distrust and doubt and to repair matters. Be very clear about this and mean it yourself. If she does not produce everything to your satisfaction end it. Life is short. stress, doubt and mistrust are killers. Not everything is permanent. Accept that people can grow apart. Don't harbor anger that fairytale endings rarely happen outside of fairytales, move on amicably for the sake of the kids.

You are lucky. She has a job. she can contribute to her own support and the kid's support. Living single beats dying a bit everyday in stress in an unhappy and untrusting marriage.

Either outcome, restored relationship or a new chapter in life, I wish you well.

Great advice. Without trust, your marriage is done. Unless that trust is restored somehow and you stay married, every day will be gut wrenching for you. I've been there and it's horrible.

 

[Annyong]

So does the person go and clean up the crap off their chest while the dumper stands on the bed waiting for them to come back?

 

[McGarnicle]

There are 2, possibly separate, reasons why she deleted the texts

1) sexting

2) complaining about her own marriage, likely putting the original poster is a bad light

What would the original poster prefer if he ends up seeing the texts if there was a choice between the two above scenarios?

And neither divorce worthy IMO.

 

[Zow]

There are 2, possibly separate, reasons why she deleted the texts

1) sexting

2) complaining about her own marriage, likely putting the original poster is a bad light

What would the original poster prefer if he ends up seeing the texts if there was a choice between the two above scenarios?

After learning that her GPS came up apparently "clean", this was my thought. It's probably true that this particular co-worker is going through a rough divorce. It's probably true that OP's wife found a connection with this guy due to some of his issues and they bonded on that. It's also very probably true that she bashes the OP in complaints while she sympathizes with the complaints that broken marriage guy has. She also really doesn't want the OP to see them. This may be because she genuinely doesn't want OP to be hurt but now that has backfired.

This is all probably a best case scenario too.

 

[JFT Ben]

If the 2-3 times a day is a break from the norm, I would be very wary. My BIL's ex-wife was cheating on him, and got all crazy in the sack with the BIL for several months before the fire hose simply shut off and it was the beginning of the end. Texting isn't necessarily indicative of a physical affair, but at a minimum, an emotional one. 100%. Maybe she's broken it off, maybe not. You can get various GPS programs or trackers, or a voice activated recorder you can drop in her car if you aren't convinced the shenanigans have stopped. Either way, good luck getting through this time.

 

[General Malaise]

Thank her for the 22 years. Tell her you are hurt, that you never thought things would end in distrust and doubt. Let her know she has one opportunity to address that distrust and doubt and to repair matters. Be very clear about this and mean it yourself. If she does not produce everything to your satisfaction end it. Life is short. stress, doubt and mistrust are killers. Not everything is permanent. Accept that people can grow apart. Don't harbor anger that fairytale endings rarely happen outside of fairytales, move on amicably for the sake of the kids.

You are lucky. She has a job. she can contribute to her own support and the kid's support. Living single beats dying a bit everyday in stress in an unhappy and untrusting marriage.

Either outcome, restored relationship or a new chapter in life, I wish you well.

Wise advice as always from DW.

 

[Zow]

There are 2, possibly separate, reasons why she deleted the texts

1) sexting

2) complaining about her own marriage, likely putting the original poster is a bad light

What would the original poster prefer if he ends up seeing the texts if there was a choice between the two above scenarios?

And neither divorce worthy IMO.

I'd strongly contemplate divorcing my wife if she was sexting another guy.

 

[SaintsInDome2006]

What if the coworker is really a girl, what if Katie is really a "Katie"?

 

[Rick James]

There are 2, possibly separate, reasons why she deleted the texts

1) sexting

2) complaining about her own marriage, likely putting the original poster is a bad light

What would the original poster prefer if he ends up seeing the texts if there was a choice between the two above scenarios?

And neither divorce worthy IMO.

dude what? sexting is at the very least emotional cheating

 

[Dentist]

There are 2, possibly separate, reasons why she deleted the texts

1) sexting

2) complaining about her own marriage, likely putting the original poster is a bad light

What would the original poster prefer if he ends up seeing the texts if there was a choice between the two above scenarios?

And neither divorce worthy IMO.

I'd strongly contemplate divorcing my wife if she was sexting another guy.

What if it was just dong shots (no reciprocal) and the texts were asking how said dong shots compared to her "man"

 

[Dentist]

So does the person go and clean up the crap off their chest while the dumper stands on the bed waiting for them to come back?

depends on how into things you are... it can range from a quick clean if you use some saran wrap on said chest (variation on the glass bottomed boat move), to progressing into a brown shower in the actual shower, to...well.. I don't want to get banned.

 

[Mr Two Cents]

Bet he had more dots from your wife than you did in December. Find out what color they were before you do anything. And who got the first dot of the new year?

 

[stlrams]

I doubt Katie is really a girl... She told me that he made her feel wanted and that she compalin about our marriage. I'm just struggling with if this is divorce material or not. She promise not to ever text him again plus she works from home so she only sees him at meetings on quarterly basis or so.

 

[General Malaise]

So does the person go and clean up the crap off their chest while the dumper stands on the bed waiting for them to come back?

depends on how into things you are... it can range from a quick clean if you use some saran wrap on said chest (variation on the glass bottomed boat move), to progressing into a brown shower in the actual shower, to...well.. I don't want to get banned.

Doesn't the smell bother you? Christ, my dog once farted while I was engaged in love making (with a woman, not the dog) and my boner went bye bye.

 

[Wildcat]

So does the person go and clean up the crap off their chest while the dumper stands on the bed waiting for them to come back?

depends on how into things you are... it can range from a quick clean if you use some saran wrap on said chest (variation on the glass bottomed boat move), to progressing into a brown shower in the actual shower, to...well.. I don't want to get banned.

Taking a dump now and can't ever imagine getting turned on by this. To each his own though. More power to you.

 

[humpback]

I doubt Katie is really a girl... She told me that he made her feel wanted and that she compalin about our marriage. I'm just struggling with if this is divorce material or not. She promise not to ever text him again plus she works from home so she only sees him at meetings on quarterly basis or so.

Did she pinky swear?

 

[Mr. Pickles]

I'm beginning to think Dentist likes poop.

 

[fruity pebbles]

I doubt Katie is really a girl... She told me that he made her feel wanted and that she compalin about our marriage. I'm just struggling with if this is divorce material or not. She promise not to ever text him again plus she works from home so she only sees him at meetings on quarterly basis or so.

Pretty typical that she'd try and divert the blame to you.

 

[3C's]

I doubt Katie is really a girl... She told me that he made her feel wanted and that she compalin about our marriage. I'm just struggling with if this is divorce material or not. She promise not to ever text him again plus she works from home so she only sees him at meetings on quarterly basis or so.

Trust will be an issue for some time but if you both work at it your marriage can be saved and possibly be better than ever.

 

[Ditkaless Wonders]

Songs coming into your play list:

Heartbreaker - Led Zepplin

Don't Think Twice it's Alright - Peter Paul and Mary or Dylan version

Romeo and Juliet - Dire Straights

 

[General Malaise]

I doubt Katie is really a girl... She told me that he made her feel wanted and that she compalin about our marriage. I'm just struggling with if this is divorce material or not. She promise not to ever text him again plus she works from home so she only sees him at meetings on quarterly basis or so.

Divorce material is entirely subjective and only up for you to decide. While this forum is great for numerous reasons, guys are a bit....premature to recommend hiding money and banging strange. But just like the earlier anology to Shawshank Redemption, the "freedom" can sometimes be overwhelming. Sounds great in theory, in practice it can make you hang yourself in a halfway house.

You need to feel secure that your wife is being honest with you. You. Not guys from a magic football message board. Whatever it takes to make you comfortable is entirely up to you. Good luck. Sorry you are dealing with this. I installed a keylogger on my ex wife years ago when she was having an affair and reading the exchanges nearly killed me. Thinking about them now 10 years later -remarried and happy - still make me sick and our marriage was rotten. Be careful what you wish for when asking for texts.

 

[badmojo1006]

stlrams, sorry to hear. I went through that where my gf was texting, emailing with the father of her 1st child. They lived in different states so it wasn't physical but it was definitely an emotional affair. And she refused to admit it was.

We were only together 2 1/2 years and it still hurt. 22 years is a long time. Is she open to counseling? I see you need it for sure, just for yourself. Try your best to get her with a therapist to try and save the marriage. If that fails, then the counseling will help soften the fallout

Good luck and GB

 

[Golden Gopher]

I doubt Katie is really a girl... She told me that he made her feel wanted and that she compalin about our marriage. I'm just struggling with if this is divorce material or not. She promise not to ever text him again plus she works from home so she only sees him at meetings on quarterly basis or so.

Ummm... That's a pretty big deal. That means that there was more than just talking about his marriage, or both marriages, for that matter. What did he say that made her feel wanted? I'm not asking you, but you should be asking her. Sounds to me like it was, at the very least, flirting. But, more than likely, something more. Either way, if you ask to see the texts, and she declines, I think you can assume that it was cheating (emotional or otherwise).

 

[SaintsInDome2006]

I doubt Katie is really a girl... She told me that he made her feel wanted and that she compalin about our marriage. I'm just struggling with if this is divorce material or not. She promise not to ever text him again plus she works from home so she only sees him at meetings on quarterly basis or so.

I don't think it's "divorce material" but I tell you what is - everything has to be an open book, phone bills, text messages, emails, everything, moving forward at least. You don't have to check them but you should have the passwords. That has to work both ways, yours go to her as well.

You can decide whether to trust her on this specific thing. But if she has complaints about your marriage then she needs to come clean on that too - 100% - she has to tell you everything that she feels is a problem. Secrets are a major, major problem. If you need a counselor or psychologist to help you do that then do that.

 

[General Malaise]

I doubt Katie is really a girl... She told me that he made her feel wanted and that she compalin about our marriage. I'm just struggling with if this is divorce material or not. She promise not to ever text him again plus she works from home so she only sees him at meetings on quarterly basis or so.

Divorce material is entirely subjective and only up for you to decide. While this forum is great for numerous reasons, guys are a bit....premature to recommend hiding money and banging strange. But just like the earlier anology to Shawshank Redemption, the "freedom" can sometimes be overwhelming. Sounds great in theory, in practice it can make you hang yourself in a halfway house.You need to feel secure that your wife is being honest with you. You. Not guys from a magic football message board. Whatever it takes to make you comfortable is entirely up to you. Good luck. Sorry you are dealing with this. I installed a keylogger on my ex wife years ago when she was having an affair and reading the exchanges nearly killed me. Thinking about them now 10 years later -remarried and happy - still make me sick and our marriage was rotten. Be careful what you wish for when asking for texts.

And, I cheated on her first, exposing her to similar exchanges, so she got me back. Still hurt, even though I knew it was probably coming. My fault.

 

[Mr Two Cents]

If you are getting it 2 or 3 times a day,why care. It might feel a little different but it is not going to wear out. Sounds like you are a little too possessive. Probably save time on foreplay also.

 

[tonydead]

There are 2, possibly separate, reasons why she deleted the texts

1) sexting

2) complaining about her own marriage, likely putting the original poster is a bad light

What would the original poster prefer if he ends up seeing the texts if there was a choice between the two above scenarios?

And neither divorce worthy IMO.

dude what? sexting is at the very least emotional cheating

Meh, a lot of you guys are too "emotional" IMO. She's likely just goofing off with the guy (or girl) because her husband is a little too uptight. He needs to relax, pay attention to her needs, tune in to her freaky side and be a confident male. He's already starting to reap the benefits of it in the sack.

 

[Jobber]

A woman giving extra sex to her spouse all of a sudden is a sure sign of physical or emotional cheating. The same as a husband buying a gift or flowers (when he never did this in the past) for his wife becuase he's banging his secretary.

And some advice for others, if you suspect something is up, DON'T confront. Take your time and snoop around. Hire a PI if you need to. Otherwise you risk deleted texts/calls/emails. As well as you forfeit your advantage in hiding money, getting a lawyer, etc.

 

[humpback]

I doubt Katie is really a girl... She told me that he made her feel wanted and that she compalin about our marriage. I'm just struggling with if this is divorce material or not. She promise not to ever text him again plus she works from home so she only sees him at meetings on quarterly basis or so.

Divorce material is entirely subjective and only up for you to decide. While this forum is great for numerous reasons, guys are a bit....premature to recommend hiding money and banging strange. But just like the earlier anology to Shawshank Redemption, the "freedom" can sometimes be overwhelming. Sounds great in theory, in practice it can make you hang yourself in a halfway house.

You need to feel secure that your wife is being honest with you. You. Not guys from a magic football message board. Whatever it takes to make you comfortable is entirely up to you. Good luck. Sorry you are dealing with this. I installed a keylogger on my ex wife years ago when she was having an affair and reading the exchanges nearly killed me. Thinking about them now 10 years later -remarried and happy - still make me sick and our marriage was rotten. Be careful what you wish for when asking for texts.

But how can he, without actually seeing the exchanges? I don't think he's going to enjoy seeing them, but it's the only way to know what he's dealing with.

 

[tonydead]

I doubt Katie is really a girl... She told me that he made her feel wanted and that she compalin about our marriage. I'm just struggling with if this is divorce material or not. She promise not to ever text him again plus she works from home so she only sees him at meetings on quarterly basis or so.

Divorce material is entirely subjective and only up for you to decide. While this forum is great for numerous reasons, guys are a bit....premature to recommend hiding money and banging strange. But just like the earlier anology to Shawshank Redemption, the "freedom" can sometimes be overwhelming. Sounds great in theory, in practice it can make you hang yourself in a halfway house.

You need to feel secure that your wife is being honest with you. You. Not guys from a magic football message board. Whatever it takes to make you comfortable is entirely up to you. Good luck. Sorry you are dealing with this. I installed a keylogger on my ex wife years ago when she was having an affair and reading the exchanges nearly killed me. Thinking about them now 10 years later -remarried and happy - still make me sick and our marriage was rotten. Be careful what you wish for when asking for texts.

But how can he, without actually seeing the exchanges? I don't think he's going to enjoy seeing them, but it's the only way to know what he's dealing with.

They've been married for 22 years. It's not what the texts say that matters anyway, it's what she meant by them. And the best way to find that out is by asking her.

I still think the best play is to blow off the texts and give her a reason to keep focused on him. Acting insecure and demanding passwords etc. does the exact opposite.

 

[RBM]

Big cans?

 

[fantasycurse42]

Did it spice up your sex life?

Yes - she been very active 2-3 X per day....

2-3 times per day after 22 years of marriage? Dude, you need to make this sound more believable.

 

[Mr. Pickles]

I'd like to hear some of these hiding money success stories.

 

[Al O'Pecia]

I doubt Katie is really a girl... She told me that he made her feel wanted and that she compalin about our marriage. I'm just struggling with if this is divorce material or not. She promise not to ever text him again plus she works from home so she only sees him at meetings on quarterly basis or so.

Ummm... That's a pretty big deal. That means that there was more than just talking about his marriage, or both marriages, for that matter. What did he say that made her feel wanted? I'm not asking you, but you should be asking her. Sounds to me like it was, at the very least, flirting. But, more than likely, something more. Either way, if you ask to see the texts, and she declines, I think you can assume that it was cheating (emotional or otherwise).

Meh, women saying "I want to feel more wanted" is like men saying "I wouldn't mind pounding some hot, young, strange bush". Nearly all women want more attention regardless of whether hubby is being the doting life partner just like nearly all men fantasize about strange regardless of whether their wife is consistently riding them like a porn star.

Plus, women like to drop that line when they are busted for cheating so as to somehow shift at least part of the blame onto the husband for her whoring ways.

 

[FUBAR]

I doubt Katie is really a girl... She told me that he made her feel wanted and that she compalin about our marriage. I'm just struggling with if this is divorce material or not. She promise not to ever text him again plus she works from home so she only sees him at meetings on quarterly basis or so.

Ummm... That's a pretty big deal. That means that there was more than just talking about his marriage, or both marriages, for that matter. What did he say that made her feel wanted? I'm not asking you, but you should be asking her. Sounds to me like it was, at the very least, flirting. But, more than likely, something more. Either way, if you ask to see the texts, and she declines, I think you can assume that it was cheating (emotional or otherwise).

Sounds like they need to work on their marriage if they want to stay together. People don't usually cheat if everything is good at home, or if things are good enough to want to not ruin.

Sounds like she wasn't happy and found a guy to connect with.

Honestly though, if we started hitting it daily I'd probably send the guy a thank you note. We've been 2-3 times a season of low quality sex.

 

[The Duff Man]

Get her best friend alone sometime soon and ask her if she knew that wife was cheating.

You will be able to tell by her reaction if she went all the way or it was just emotional (and hopefully wife has a good friend she would share this with)

If wife complains, tell her that due to her destroying the evidence you were forced to use more extreme measures to determine how far her infidelity went.

I would also confront the guy, I doubt he will just layoff and the first time you fight with your wife he will try to swoop back in. Make sure he u derstands the consequencesof doing this....if he is recently divorced there is a lot of other tail he can chase.

 

[NajehHejan]

I would be worried about the work at home. You and the kids are gone all day, who knows what's going on in your home or nearby. She wouldn't need to type into the GPS an address of a nearby hotel. Do you have a close friend/neighbor you could ask about other cars? Best of luck to you.

 

[fantasycurse42]

I'd like to hear some of these hiding money success stories.

Hid quite a few racks I won in AC in a coat pocket in the closet... Figured I'd leave it there for something fun to buy. When I decided I wanted a new watch, 3 racks were missing.

Big success story, for the wife...

 

[ClownCausedChaos2]

I would be worried about the work at home. You and the kids are gone all day, who knows what's going on in your home or nearby. She wouldn't need to type into the GPS an address of a nearby hotel. Do you have a close friend/neighbor you could ask about other cars? Best of luck to you.

You think Katie is Tom Bodett?