Educational influences on kids - Issue with Spouse (1 Viewer)

[Eddie99er]

Seeking help in any form here. Suggestions you may have. Things you may have tried if this was ever an issue for you. Even an article I should read. Whatever you think may help, pls let me know.

I have two little ones - 4 and 1. My wife, IMO, is not that good at the educating thing. Let me explain. She'll read to the kids at night, but for the most part, that's it.

On the other hand, I try to do educational things whenever opportunities pop up. I try to take advantage of anything in a fun spirited way. Examples:

- If my son and I are having a catch outside, I'll say something like how many can we catch in a row without dropping - to encourage him to count. Same thing if he is practicing his dribbling.

- We drive to a friend's house, maybe I ask him what number that is on his friend's mailbox.

- We are going to his friend's house (we'll call the friend Frank) and I may ask what letter Frank's name begins with.

- I constantly take advantage of opportunities to teach. Not in a militant way. But in a fun way. Whether it has to do with numbers, letters, shapes, words, whatever.

My wife is not like that. My wife does not encourage him to try new 4 yr old level books. She reads to him his 2 and 3 yr old books, despite being 4 yrs old because she says that is what he likes. He has friends doing real books (say 80 words on a page) while he is still on babyish books (of say 10-20 words a page).

I am not one of these people that gets caught up in my 4 yr old has to be at the top of his class. Not at all. But I don't want him to be at the bottom either.

And my wife is the one with the kids all day while I am at work. She'll not only put on the TV (say Mickey Mouse Clubhouse), but if my kid asks for another episode afterwards, she'll say okay. This is instead of saying in an encouraging voice, who wants to read a book now?

Here's another example. We each have iphones. My son asks to use it a lot (games). I asked her months ago to put some educational apps for toddlers. Just basic stuff like reviewing shapes, colors, puzzles, letters, numbers, etc. She said she would. 2 months go by and I ask her if she did it. She says not yet, but that she will. Another month goes by and I ask again. Still hasn't.

Kids absorb more they say from 0-5 than at any other 5 yr time period in their lives. So what is she waiting for? It takes no time at all. I went online and did a search for recommended apps for toddlers. I read what different sources suggested (babycenter.com, parenting.com, etc). And then I downloaded a few. My son loves them. It isn't like he is opposed to this stuff.

Sure I can download them onto my wife's phone for her, but that is not the point. Again I am at the office during the day. She is with the kids. I can't make her do things throughout the day.

I know there will be comments from some about how I should chill out. But I assure you, it isn't like I am putting pressure on my kids. It isn't like I am expecting mensa out of them. It isn't like I am not letting a kid be a kid. If my kid was naturally opposed to things, then maybe I should back off a bit. Although others would say you have to push even more then. But that is not the case. My kids likes educational things.

Just to make sure everyone gets where I am coming from, here is an illustration -

My wife: What book do you want to read?

Son: This one. (Picks a book good for 2-3 yrs olds.)

My wife: Okay. (Reads it.)

Me: What book do you want to read?

Son: This one. (Picks a book good for 2-3 yrs olds.)

Me: Oh man - what is this I just found? A new book?! Where did this one come from? It looks like a real big boy book.

Son: I want that one, daddy. Let's do that one instead. (Pointing to the new 4 yr old book instead now.)

Yes, it is sometimes that easy. So my point is, why not try it?

So yes, I can continue doing things like that. But my question is how do I get my wife to get better at the sort of stuff? It is about our kids.

My wife seems to always have an excuse. If it is early in the morning and I ask why she is putting the tv on instead of reading to the kids or doing a puzzle with the kids, she says it is early and she has all day to get around to that. If it is middle of the day and I ask why she isn't doing books, puzzles, educational games (think Memory), etc, she says things are hectic in the middle of the day. Between dropping off at nursery school, picking him up, bringing him to soccer, feeding them lunch, getting them to nap, going to a playdate, etc, there is no time in the middle of the day. And if it is early evening when I ask (think like 5:00), she says she had a long day and is tired. There is always an excuse. Early part of day, middle of day, early evening, etc, does not matter. She has an excuse.

My kid loves when I pull out the Memory game. So this isn't like he hates that sort of stuff. He has so much fun playing it. Yet I will ask my wife point blank if she has even pulled out that game (or something similarly educational) in the last 1 month and she will say she actually has not.

So pls, if anyone has ideas of how to get my wife better at that sort of stuff, let me know. She is great with them in terms of everything else. Makes sure they eat. Makes sure they nap. Get them to things on time. If the doctor says make sure to give him baby tylenol 1/2 hr before you come in next time because he will need some shots, even if that is not for 6 months down the road, she will have made sure to give it to them. She is good like that. But when it comes to educational things, whether it is reviewing letters, numbers, colors, shapes, doing puzzles, or whatever, she is so bad at it, that it is scary (and extremely disappointing).

So if anyone has ideas, pls share. If you experienced something similar, what did you do? If you know others that went through this, what did they do? Thanks so much.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

I wouldn't worry about any of this stuff.

Your kids will learn this stuff eventually in preschool or pre-K or Kindergarten or whatever.

There really isn't any correlation between little kids learning their numbers/letters/colors/whatever earlier than "normal" and academic success later on in life.

They really aren't going to be "behind" once they start school and if they are they will catch up in a heartbeat.

 

[Pick]

I think it's fine you like to do educational stuff and she doesn't. It's probably better for the kids that way.

But the reading thing is huge. Low reading levels are the bane of education. I would look into some reading programs (leveled books). Most elementary schools do something like that.

 

[T Bell]

Get to the root of the problem. Start reading to your wife.

 

[shadyridr]

You do the educational stuff, Mom does the fun stuff. I see nothing wrong with that.

 

[shadyridr]

I think it's fine you like to do educational stuff and she doesn't. It's probably better for the kids that way.

But the reading thing is huge. Low reading levels are the bane of education. I would look into some reading programs (leveled books). Most elementary schools do something like that.

Exactly

 

[shadyridr]

You both have different parenting styles. Neither are wrong IMO and both combined are probably ideal

 

[Eddie99er]

I wouldn't worry about any of this stuff.

Your kids will learn this stuff eventually in preschool or pre-K or Kindergarten or whatever.

There really isn't any correlation between little kids learning their numbers/letters/colors/whatever earlier than "normal" and academic success later on in life.

They really aren't going to be "behind" once they start school and if they are they will catch up in a heartbeat.

To be honest, I actually have heard the exact opposite. I've heard that the more kids are read to, the better chance they have at being smart later in life. And vice versa, the less they are read to or do educational things, the less smart they are and the less motivated they are down the road.

Just what I've heard.

 

[Eddie99er]

I think it's fine you like to do educational stuff and she doesn't. It's probably better for the kids that way.

But the reading thing is huge. Low reading levels are the bane of education. I would look into some reading programs (leveled books). Most elementary schools do something like that.

I agree about low reading levels. Exactly what I have heard and read millions of times.

 

[Idiot Boxer]

My daughter is 10. She still likes to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Max & Ruby sometimes.

She's also the smartest girl in her class.

 

[NIU Kicker]

"And my wife is the one with the kids all day while I am at work"

So long as she isn't completely falling down on the job then I'm not sure I'd give her too much grief.

Is the 4 year old in pre school?

 

[Pick]

I think it's fine you like to do educational stuff and she doesn't. It's probably better for the kids that way.

But the reading thing is huge. Low reading levels are the bane of education. I would look into some reading programs (leveled books). Most elementary schools do something like that.

I agree about low reading levels. Exactly what I have heard and read millions of times.

It affects all other areas of education.

Like I said, most pre-schools and kindergartens are all over reading and do a good job. But I don't know that I'd leave my kid's fate up to them completely. Stack the deck as much as you can.

Having said that, just the fact that this mom is reading to the kids is a huge plus.

 

[dgreen]

I wouldn't worry about any of this stuff.

Your kids will learn this stuff eventually in preschool or pre-K or Kindergarten or whatever.

There really isn't any correlation between little kids learning their numbers/letters/colors/whatever earlier than "normal" and academic success later on in life.

They really aren't going to be "behind" once they start school and if they are they will catch up in a heartbeat.

To be honest, I actually have heard the exact opposite. I've heard that the more kids are read to, the better chance they have at being smart later in life. And vice versa, the less they are read to or do educational things, the less smart they are and the less motivated they are down the road.

Just what I've heard.

Studies based on twin and adoption surveys show that parenting styles have very little impact on long-run outcomes.

But, that's not an argument that what you are doing is wrong. If you enjoy doing those things and your kid enjoys it, keep going. But, if your kid starts to despise you because you force him to read a certain amount, then maybe think about cutting back.

 

[Eddie99er]

You do the educational stuff, Mom does the fun stuff. I see nothing wrong with that.

I actually get this approach somewhat. Sure the parents have to be on the same page with respect to raising their children. But there is something to be said for go to one parent for this sort of thing and the other for another sort of thing.

But I agree with that for something like playing basketball. I am good at bball and my wife has never played. So sure, if my kids want to play bball, that's my territory.

But the part I disagree with is one for educational and one for fun. What if I want to be able to be the fun one? I should be allowed or able to. But given the complete lack of educational influences from my wife, I feel that I have to push the educational stuff even more.

In addition, it isn't like I am talking about what to do if she has them for an hour or I have them for an hour. I am talking about simple things throughout the day. Like pulling up to a friend's house and asking if he recognizes the number on the mailbox. Really easy to do. Doesn't make mommy less fun if she asks. Maybe it even makes mommy more fun because if he gets it right, she will say in an encouraging I'm proud of you sort of tone, yes that is 17, very good!!! Why not just do some of these things?

 

[Idiot Boxer]

Simple Counterbalance - Read the kid "The Fight Club"

The average reading level of the two books will be somewhere around 8th grade. Wa-la.

 

[Idiot Boxer]

You do the educational stuff, Mom does the fun stuff. I see nothing wrong with that.

What if I want to be able to be the fun one?

Too late.

 

[Eddie99er]

My daughter is 10. She still likes to watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Max & Ruby sometimes.

She's also the smartest girl in her class.

This is different though. I'm a lot older than 10 and I still like things that are "below" me (if that makes sense). I still like a ridiculous movie or building forts.

Doing things like what your daughter does is totally fine. Because in the end, she isn't doing it because her educational level is at a 3. She's smart. So she is just doing it once in a while for fun.

 

[glumpy]

She let's the kids play on her phone? Load them on her phone for her. You want them to read the bigger books then make sure they're available, and when you read with them first involve them in choosing the books so it gets to be a routine. They'll start insisting on them with her too. I read with my finger on the page too so my kids are associating the words with the letters--and it doesn't take long before they start pointing out the words. If the TV is big with them then you could get some of the more educational Mickey Mouse programs, or Pooh Bear, etc. Better yet--a computer loaded with stuff for the kids (maybe best get two!).

My point is this--you say it's so easy, but she is just not in tune with that--though she's not opposed. So make it easy for her, too, and in a way that your sons help encourage without even knowing it. There will be times when she's busy and has to let them be self-entertaining but she might grow into it as they do. What got me so involved wasn't my own doing--it was my daughter loading up my phone with stuff my son wants to play. Hard to say no to that!

 

[Steve Tasker]

Start hiding books.

 

[shadyridr]

You do the educational stuff, Mom does the fun stuff. I see nothing wrong with that.

I actually get this approach somewhat. Sure the parents have to be on the same page with respect to raising their children. But there is something to be said for go to one parent for this sort of thing and the other for another sort of thing.

But I agree with that for something like playing basketball. I am good at bball and my wife has never played. So sure, if my kids want to play bball, that's my territory.

But the part I disagree with is one for educational and one for fun. What if I want to be able to be the fun one? I should be allowed or able to. But given the complete lack of educational influences from my wife, I feel that I have to push the educational stuff even more.

In addition, it isn't like I am talking about what to do if she has them for an hour or I have them for an hour. I am talking about simple things throughout the day. Like pulling up to a friend's house and asking if he recognizes the number on the mailbox. Really easy to do. Doesn't make mommy less fun if she asks. Maybe it even makes mommy more fun because if he gets it right, she will say in an encouraging I'm proud of you sort of tone, yes that is 17, very good!!! Why not just do some of these things?

Maybe I worded this wrong. But you said your 4 yr old is still having fun doing the stuff with you. So technically youre both the fun ones, just with different styles

 

[Eddie99er]

So are people saying reading a 2 yr old level book to a 4 yr old is totally fine, EVEN if it is as easy as saying, "Oh my, what's this? This looks like a brand new big boy book" and he is totally cool with going with it?

Again if I tried that and he insisted on the 2 yr old book, different problem then.

But sometimes it is that easy.

Do you know how easy it is if the 1 yr old is napping to say to my 4 yr old, "Want to play Memory?" And he is immediately excited.

So again, if he was opposed to Memory or a puzzle or anything with a educational influence, then sure maybe I have to let him be him. But this is not that situation at all. When I ask about Memory, he gets excited. And since sitting at the kitchen table playing Memory with a 4 yr old is extremely easy, why not do it?

Instead my wife will lay on the couch and tell him to play by himself. Or she will text with friends.

Is no one with me on this? You'd be okay if your wife was texting friends throughout the day instead of doing something educational (at least once in a while) with your kids?

 

[Black Box]

Start hiding books.

The wife won't be able to read the baby books if she can't find them, can she?

 

[shadyridr]

So are people saying reading a 2 yr old level book to a 4 yr old is totally fine, EVEN if it is as easy as saying, "Oh my, what's this? This looks like a brand new big boy book" and he is totally cool with going with it?

Again if I tried that and he insisted on the 2 yr old book, different problem then.

But sometimes it is that easy.

Do you know how easy it is if the 1 yr old is napping to say to my 4 yr old, "Want to play Memory?" And he is immediately excited.

So again, if he was opposed to Memory or a puzzle or anything with a educational influence, then sure maybe I have to let him be him. But this is not that situation at all. When I ask about Memory, he gets excited. And since sitting at the kitchen table playing Memory with a 4 yr old is extremely easy, why not do it?

Instead my wife will lay on the couch and tell him to play by himself. Or she will text with friends.

Is no one with me on this? You'd be okay if your wife was texting friends throughout the day instead of doing something educational (at least once in a while) with your kids?

Listen Rick Moranis, your wife is taking care of them and the house for 8 hours a day. Cut her some slack if she gets tired on occassion and wants to take a break. This thread is starting to sound like there are some deeper issues going on.

 

[Eddie99er]

She let's the kids play on her phone? Load them on her phone for her. You want them to read the bigger books then make sure they're available, and when you read with them first involve them in choosing the books so it gets to be a routine. They'll start insisting on them with her too. I read with my finger on the page too so my kids are associating the words with the letters--and it doesn't take long before they start pointing out the words. If the TV is big with them then you could get some of the more educational Mickey Mouse programs, or Pooh Bear, etc. Better yet--a computer loaded with stuff for the kids (maybe best get two!).

My point is this--you say it's so easy, but she is just not in tune with that--though she's not opposed. So make it easy for her, too, and in a way that your sons help encourage without even knowing it. There will be times when she's busy and has to let them be self-entertaining but she might grow into it as they do. What got me so involved wasn't my own doing--it was my daughter loading up my phone with stuff my son wants to play. Hard to say no to that!

Great post. And solid points.

However, part of what you are getting at is to make it easy for my wife. Forget for a second that I shouldn't have to. And forget for a second that I am busy with a million other things, so why she can't just download a few educational apps is beyond me. Forget both of those for a sec.

How does it get any easier than simply saying to my son, "Do you want to play Memory?" If she is already going to play with him anyway. And she is already going to give him her time anyway. Why not just suggest Memory?

Or if she is already in the car with him. And she is already pulling up to a friend's house with him, then why not just say, "Who knows what number that is on the front door?" And when he shouts out, "I do. It is 15" just say, "Great job" like you are proud.

 

[Idiot Boxer]

Instead my wife will lay on the couch and tell him to play by himself. Or she will text with friends.

This is different.

I really don't care if she's reading him 2-year old or 4-year old books. The kids own curiosity will cause him to branch out eventually. The fact that she's there reading to him is the bigger deal.

Now if she's absent, i.e. laying on the couch or texting friends....different story.

 

[shadyridr]

She let's the kids play on her phone? Load them on her phone for her. You want them to read the bigger books then make sure they're available, and when you read with them first involve them in choosing the books so it gets to be a routine. They'll start insisting on them with her too. I read with my finger on the page too so my kids are associating the words with the letters--and it doesn't take long before they start pointing out the words. If the TV is big with them then you could get some of the more educational Mickey Mouse programs, or Pooh Bear, etc. Better yet--a computer loaded with stuff for the kids (maybe best get two!).

My point is this--you say it's so easy, but she is just not in tune with that--though she's not opposed. So make it easy for her, too, and in a way that your sons help encourage without even knowing it. There will be times when she's busy and has to let them be self-entertaining but she might grow into it as they do. What got me so involved wasn't my own doing--it was my daughter loading up my phone with stuff my son wants to play. Hard to say no to that!

Great post. And solid points.

However, part of what you are getting at is to make it easy for my wife. Forget for a second that I shouldn't have to. And forget for a second that I am busy with a million other things, so why she can't just download a few educational apps is beyond me. Forget both of those for a sec.

How does it get any easier than simply saying to my son, "Do you want to play Memory?" If she is already going to play with him anyway. And she is already going to give him her time anyway. Why not just suggest Memory?

Or if she is already in the car with him. And she is already pulling up to a friend's house with him, then why not just say, "Who knows what number that is on the front door?" And when he shouts out, "I do. It is 15" just say, "Great job" like you are proud.

Jeez youre starting to sound very controlling to me.

 

[shadyridr]

Instead my wife will lay on the couch and tell him to play by himself. Or she will text with friends.

This is different.

I really don't care if she's reading him 2-year old or 4-year old books. The kids own curiosity will cause him to branch out eventually. The fact that she's there reading to him is the bigger deal.

Now if she's absent, i.e. laying on the couch or texting friends....different story.

Agreed 100%. Is this the real issue? Is she doing this all day? Or is this an occassional break? Do you want her "educating" them 24x7?

 

[Idiot Boxer]

She let's the kids play on her phone? Load them on her phone for her. You want them to read the bigger books then make sure they're available, and when you read with them first involve them in choosing the books so it gets to be a routine. They'll start insisting on them with her too. I read with my finger on the page too so my kids are associating the words with the letters--and it doesn't take long before they start pointing out the words. If the TV is big with them then you could get some of the more educational Mickey Mouse programs, or Pooh Bear, etc. Better yet--a computer loaded with stuff for the kids (maybe best get two!).

My point is this--you say it's so easy, but she is just not in tune with that--though she's not opposed. So make it easy for her, too, and in a way that your sons help encourage without even knowing it. There will be times when she's busy and has to let them be self-entertaining but she might grow into it as they do. What got me so involved wasn't my own doing--it was my daughter loading up my phone with stuff my son wants to play. Hard to say no to that!

Great post. And solid points.

However, part of what you are getting at is to make it easy for my wife. Forget for a second that I shouldn't have to. And forget for a second that I am busy with a million other things, so why she can't just download a few educational apps is beyond me. Forget both of those for a sec.

How does it get any easier than simply saying to my son, "Do you want to play Memory?" If she is already going to play with him anyway. And she is already going to give him her time anyway. Why not just suggest Memory?

Or if she is already in the car with him. And she is already pulling up to a friend's house with him, then why not just say, "Who knows what number that is on the front door?" And when he shouts out, "I do. It is 15" just say, "Great job" like you are proud.

I used to play the number game with my kids in the car, but my wife would usually answer...as if I didn't know the number and was literally asking. So I stopped that.

 

[Eddie99er]

You do the educational stuff, Mom does the fun stuff. I see nothing wrong with that.

I actually get this approach somewhat. Sure the parents have to be on the same page with respect to raising their children. But there is something to be said for go to one parent for this sort of thing and the other for another sort of thing.

But I agree with that for something like playing basketball. I am good at bball and my wife has never played. So sure, if my kids want to play bball, that's my territory.

But the part I disagree with is one for educational and one for fun. What if I want to be able to be the fun one? I should be allowed or able to. But given the complete lack of educational influences from my wife, I feel that I have to push the educational stuff even more.

In addition, it isn't like I am talking about what to do if she has them for an hour or I have them for an hour. I am talking about simple things throughout the day. Like pulling up to a friend's house and asking if he recognizes the number on the mailbox. Really easy to do. Doesn't make mommy less fun if she asks. Maybe it even makes mommy more fun because if he gets it right, she will say in an encouraging I'm proud of you sort of tone, yes that is 17, very good!!! Why not just do some of these things?

Maybe I worded this wrong. But you said your 4 yr old is still having fun doing the stuff with you. So technically youre both the fun ones, just with different styles

Agreed that both could be fun with different styles.

But she literally never incorporates the educational stuff. I'm sorry, but absolutely everything I've ever read or heard suggests the more of that sort of stuff in place when your kids are very young, the better chance later on in life they will want to learn. There is no downside to doing educational things (so long as you are not pressuring them into it and being annoying). There is only upside. So for the life of me I cannot get why my wife barely does it.

 

[Gr00vus]

She let's the kids play on her phone? Load them on her phone for her. You want them to read the bigger books then make sure they're available, and when you read with them first involve them in choosing the books so it gets to be a routine. They'll start insisting on them with her too. I read with my finger on the page too so my kids are associating the words with the letters--and it doesn't take long before they start pointing out the words. If the TV is big with them then you could get some of the more educational Mickey Mouse programs, or Pooh Bear, etc. Better yet--a computer loaded with stuff for the kids (maybe best get two!).

My point is this--you say it's so easy, but she is just not in tune with that--though she's not opposed. So make it easy for her, too, and in a way that your sons help encourage without even knowing it. There will be times when she's busy and has to let them be self-entertaining but she might grow into it as they do. What got me so involved wasn't my own doing--it was my daughter loading up my phone with stuff my son wants to play. Hard to say no to that!

Great post. And solid points.

However, part of what you are getting at is to make it easy for my wife. Forget for a second that I shouldn't have to. And forget for a second that I am busy with a million other things, so why she can't just download a few educational apps is beyond me. Forget both of those for a sec.

How does it get any easier than simply saying to my son, "Do you want to play Memory?" If she is already going to play with him anyway. And she is already going to give him her time anyway. Why not just suggest Memory?

Or if she is already in the car with him. And she is already pulling up to a friend's house with him, then why not just say, "Who knows what number that is on the front door?" And when he shouts out, "I do. It is 15" just say, "Great job" like you are proud.

I used to play the number game with my kids in the car, but my wife would usually answer...as if I didn't know the number and was literally asking. So I stopped that.

 

[dgreen]

Eddie, let's say you die tomorrow and your wife raises your kids by herself and continues to raise them the way she currently does. In that scenario, what is your prediction of your kids' lives in 30 years?

 

[shadyridr]

Listen, you sound like a great dad. Id relax, your kid will come out fine. You realize you cant control what your wife is gonna say and how she is gonna interact with your kids 24x7 so why even worry about it? The bigger issue sounds like you may be having some marital problems. Youre either very controlling or your wife is very lazy or maybe its a combo of the two.

 

[Eddie99er]

So are people saying reading a 2 yr old level book to a 4 yr old is totally fine, EVEN if it is as easy as saying, "Oh my, what's this? This looks like a brand new big boy book" and he is totally cool with going with it?

Again if I tried that and he insisted on the 2 yr old book, different problem then.

But sometimes it is that easy.

Do you know how easy it is if the 1 yr old is napping to say to my 4 yr old, "Want to play Memory?" And he is immediately excited.

So again, if he was opposed to Memory or a puzzle or anything with a educational influence, then sure maybe I have to let him be him. But this is not that situation at all. When I ask about Memory, he gets excited. And since sitting at the kitchen table playing Memory with a 4 yr old is extremely easy, why not do it?

Instead my wife will lay on the couch and tell him to play by himself. Or she will text with friends.

Is no one with me on this? You'd be okay if your wife was texting friends throughout the day instead of doing something educational (at least once in a while) with your kids?

Listen Rick Moranis, your wife is taking care of them and the house for 8 hours a day. Cut her some slack if she gets tired on occassion and wants to take a break. This thread is starting to sound like there are some deeper issues going on.

I understand she gets tired and needs an occasional break. You even noted "on occassion." But what if it is all the time?

What if she never goes the educational direction? Never tries to ask about the older level book. Never plays Memory. What if she says she will put some fun educational apps for toddlers on her phone and 5 months go by and she hasn't, even though it is beyond easy?

 

[Black Box]

Clearly this bothers you. Have you tried approaching the subject on a high level basis rather than on a details basis? What I mean is, have you had discussions with your wife about the importance of early education? Or is it just "do more apps" or "read bigger books" or "play the number game" type "discussions"?

Because it sounds like you two are just not on a same page on this issue.

 

[shadyridr]

go see a marriage counselor dude. I dont know how many times we can all tell you the same thing over and over again yet you keep asking.

 

[shadyridr]

Clearly this bothers you. Have you tried approaching the subject on a high level basis rather than on a details basis? What I mean is, have you had discussions with your wife about the importance of early education? Or is it just "do more apps" or "read bigger books" or "play the number game" type "discussions"?

Because it sounds like you two are just not on a same page on this issue.

I think youre a bad mother conversation should go over smoothly

 

[NCCommish]

She let's the kids play on her phone? Load them on her phone for her. You want them to read the bigger books then make sure they're available, and when you read with them first involve them in choosing the books so it gets to be a routine. They'll start insisting on them with her too. I read with my finger on the page too so my kids are associating the words with the letters--and it doesn't take long before they start pointing out the words. If the TV is big with them then you could get some of the more educational Mickey Mouse programs, or Pooh Bear, etc. Better yet--a computer loaded with stuff for the kids (maybe best get two!).

My point is this--you say it's so easy, but she is just not in tune with that--though she's not opposed. So make it easy for her, too, and in a way that your sons help encourage without even knowing it. There will be times when she's busy and has to let them be self-entertaining but she might grow into it as they do. What got me so involved wasn't my own doing--it was my daughter loading up my phone with stuff my son wants to play. Hard to say no to that!

Great post. And solid points.

However, part of what you are getting at is to make it easy for my wife. Forget for a second that I shouldn't have to. And forget for a second that I am busy with a million other things, so why she can't just download a few educational apps is beyond me. Forget both of those for a sec.

How does it get any easier than simply saying to my son, "Do you want to play Memory?" If she is already going to play with him anyway. And she is already going to give him her time anyway. Why not just suggest Memory?

Or if she is already in the car with him. And she is already pulling up to a friend's house with him, then why not just say, "Who knows what number that is on the front door?" And when he shouts out, "I do. It is 15" just say, "Great job" like you are proud.

Most studies say it doesn't matter as much what you read to as it is that you read to them. And you know the reality is the time spent is more important than what you spend it doing. Your wife has two young children at home. I am assuming she does pretty much everything around the house. Do you wash diapers or clothes? Do you fix breakfast, lunch or dinner? Who runs the kids everywhere? To be honest I think you are complaining when you should be happy.

 

[Hooper31]

Instead my wife will lay on the couch and tell him to play by himself. Or she will text with friends. Is no one with me on this? You'd be okay if your wife was texting friends throughout the day instead of doing something educational (at least once in a while) with your kids?

You want total strangers that have never met your wife to reaffirm your idea that your wife is a bad parent? How can anyone here know this? Its just a likely you're an obsessive helicopter parent. Again, how can anyone here know this based on a few paragraphs that you wrote?

 

[Eddie99er]

She let's the kids play on her phone? Load them on her phone for her. You want them to read the bigger books then make sure they're available, and when you read with them first involve them in choosing the books so it gets to be a routine. They'll start insisting on them with her too. I read with my finger on the page too so my kids are associating the words with the letters--and it doesn't take long before they start pointing out the words. If the TV is big with them then you could get some of the more educational Mickey Mouse programs, or Pooh Bear, etc. Better yet--a computer loaded with stuff for the kids (maybe best get two!).

My point is this--you say it's so easy, but she is just not in tune with that--though she's not opposed. So make it easy for her, too, and in a way that your sons help encourage without even knowing it. There will be times when she's busy and has to let them be self-entertaining but she might grow into it as they do. What got me so involved wasn't my own doing--it was my daughter loading up my phone with stuff my son wants to play. Hard to say no to that!

Great post. And solid points.

However, part of what you are getting at is to make it easy for my wife. Forget for a second that I shouldn't have to. And forget for a second that I am busy with a million other things, so why she can't just download a few educational apps is beyond me. Forget both of those for a sec.

How does it get any easier than simply saying to my son, "Do you want to play Memory?" If she is already going to play with him anyway. And she is already going to give him her time anyway. Why not just suggest Memory?

Or if she is already in the car with him. And she is already pulling up to a friend's house with him, then why not just say, "Who knows what number that is on the front door?" And when he shouts out, "I do. It is 15" just say, "Great job" like you are proud.

Jeez youre starting to sound very controlling to me.

Wow. Don't see that at all. I just see myself as a dad that wants what is best for his kids. Not through pressure. Not through not being fun.

But simply by not being lazy. Not laying on couch texting friends for an hour while your kid is by himself.

Look letting a kid play by himself is good too. I get that. Let's them use their imagination. But when you are constantly letting the kid do it because you are simply a lazy parent, that's different.

I don't see that as controlling. I see it as wanting what is best for my kids. If every report, article, study, etc out there indicates the more educational influences the better AND the fewer educational influences in your child's life the worse, why wouldn't you ever do educational things? Not all the time. (Yes, insisting on all the time would be controlling.) But why not ever?

Is it controlling to tell your kid not to play in a busy street? No. You are looking out for their best interests. You don't want them hit by a car.

 

[Black Box]

Clearly this bothers you. Have you tried approaching the subject on a high level basis rather than on a details basis? What I mean is, have you had discussions with your wife about the importance of early education? Or is it just "do more apps" or "read bigger books" or "play the number game" type "discussions"?

Because it sounds like you two are just not on a same page on this issue.

I think youre a bad mother conversation should go over smoothly

Being able to discuss something like this with your spouse in a productive manner makes for a healthy marriage. Nagging the spouse to get them to do something you want them to do makes for an unhealthy marriage. JMHO.

 

[Eddie99er]

Instead my wife will lay on the couch and tell him to play by himself. Or she will text with friends.

This is different.

I really don't care if she's reading him 2-year old or 4-year old books. The kids own curiosity will cause him to branch out eventually. The fact that she's there reading to him is the bigger deal.

Now if she's absent, i.e. laying on the couch or texting friends....different story.

Agreed 100%. Is this the real issue? Is she doing this all day? Or is this an occassional break? Do you want her "educating" them 24x7?

No. Not 24/7 by any means. But not 0/7 either. That's all.

Put on the tv for a bit if he wants it. I am not one of those militant parents that says no tv ever. Sure put it on. But when a 1/2 hr episode is over and he asks for another, why put on another? (Because she is lazy and it is easier to put it on because it allows her to sit back and do nothing.)

 

[shadyridr]

Instead my wife will lay on the couch and tell him to play by himself. Or she will text with friends.

This is different.

I really don't care if she's reading him 2-year old or 4-year old books. The kids own curiosity will cause him to branch out eventually. The fact that she's there reading to him is the bigger deal.

Now if she's absent, i.e. laying on the couch or texting friends....different story.

Agreed 100%. Is this the real issue? Is she doing this all day? Or is this an occassional break? Do you want her "educating" them 24x7?

No. Not 24/7 by any means. But not 0/7 either. That's all.

Put on the tv for a bit if he wants it. I am not one of those militant parents that says no tv ever. Sure put it on. But when a 1/2 hr episode is over and he asks for another, why put on another? (Because she is lazy and it is easier to put it on because it allows her to sit back and do nothing.)

And here is the main issue. You think your wife is lazy. We finally get down to the main issue. Get some counseling. Not sure how we can help

 

[bigbottom]

See if there is a Kumon location in your area.

www.kumon.com

 

[Eddie99er]

Eddie, let's say you die tomorrow and your wife raises your kids by herself and continues to raise them the way she currently does. In that scenario, what is your prediction of your kids' lives in 30 years?

Hard to say.

I just know that the more "good" in a kids life the better. The more "bad" they see or are exposed to the worse.

So if they see someone who literally never suggests Memory or a puzzle, someone who literally never moves onto a 4 yr old book for a 4 yr old, someone who lays down a lot and is lazy, someone who never asks about a number, a letter, a shape, or anything, someone who is completely 100% hands off when it comes to educational things, then who knows? Certainly possible that in 30 yrs they would lack drive, lack motivation, and be lazy. If you are exposed to that, you probably have an increased chance of becoming that is my guess.

Like those old commercials wherein the parent asks the kid about why he is doing drugs. "I learned it from watching you, dad." Kids pick up on what is around them, imo.

 

[NCCommish]

Eddie, let's say you die tomorrow and your wife raises your kids by herself and continues to raise them the way she currently does. In that scenario, what is your prediction of your kids' lives in 30 years?

Hard to say.

I just know that the more "good" in a kids life the better. The more "bad" they see or are exposed to the worse.

So if they see someone who literally never suggests Memory or a puzzle, someone who literally never moves onto a 4 yr old book for a 4 yr old, someone who lays down a lot and is lazy, someone who never asks about a number, a letter, a shape, or anything, someone who is completely 100% hands off when it comes to educational things, then who knows? Certainly possible that in 30 yrs they would lack drive, lack motivation, and be lazy. If you are exposed to that, you probably have an increased chance of becoming that is my guess.

Like those old commercials wherein the parent asks the kid about why he is doing drugs. "I learned it from watching you, dad." Kids pick up on what is around them, imo.

You keep calling her lazy. What is it you do around the house again? I mean other than reading and playing games. I mean if you are doing the wash, packing lunches and making dinner my apologies. But it sounds like you have an adult trapped all day with little kids then you come home from the office and pass judgement.

 

[Gator Shawn]

I wouldn't worry about any of this stuff.

Your kids will learn this stuff eventually in preschool or pre-K or Kindergarten or whatever.

There really isn't any correlation between little kids learning their numbers/letters/colors/whatever earlier than "normal" and academic success later on in life.

They really aren't going to be "behind" once they start school and if they are they will catch up in a heartbeat.

To be honest, I actually have heard the exact opposite. I've heard that the more kids are read to, the better chance they have at being smart later in life. And vice versa, the less they are read to or do educational things, the less smart they are and the less motivated they are down the road.

Just what I've heard.

That sounds like false causality. My guess is that's more genetic. Parents who read to their children frequently are more likely the be intelligent themselves and their children then would be more likely to be intelligent.

 

[Eddie99er]

Clearly this bothers you. Have you tried approaching the subject on a high level basis rather than on a details basis? What I mean is, have you had discussions with your wife about the importance of early education? Or is it just "do more apps" or "read bigger books" or "play the number game" type "discussions"?

Because it sounds like you two are just not on a same page on this issue.

Thank you, Black Box. I appreciate that you made a suggestion. This is honestly exactly what I was looking for. Ideas. Suggestions.

To answer your question, yes, we have discussed it. And my wife says she agrees on importance of early education. I think the problem (admittedly doing some speculation here) for my wife is, she doesn't see why it has to be done now. It can just as easily be done tomorrow. He'll still be 4. He still be a ways off from 5 or 10 or 15 or whatever. But then the next day, she doesn't get around to it either. Eventually the days becomes weeks, weeks turn into months, and so on.

So yes, she claims she understands the importance of doing things early on. But then she rarely ever gets around to doing them. No idea why there is that disconnect there. How can you claim you get the importance, but then not do something about it?

 

[Gr00vus]

Create a dumbometer and place it prominently in your home. Every day your wife fails to educate your children up to your standards, the dumbometer will register a lower number, indicating that your children are that much more stupid because she couldn't be bothered to read them the books you wanted or didn't bust out the toddler quantum physics playset (now with ez bake mini-cern included!). Eventually when it starts indicating your children are nearing "dumber than a box of rocks" territory, your wife will do something.

 

[Eddie99er]

She let's the kids play on her phone? Load them on her phone for her. You want them to read the bigger books then make sure they're available, and when you read with them first involve them in choosing the books so it gets to be a routine. They'll start insisting on them with her too. I read with my finger on the page too so my kids are associating the words with the letters--and it doesn't take long before they start pointing out the words. If the TV is big with them then you could get some of the more educational Mickey Mouse programs, or Pooh Bear, etc. Better yet--a computer loaded with stuff for the kids (maybe best get two!).

My point is this--you say it's so easy, but she is just not in tune with that--though she's not opposed. So make it easy for her, too, and in a way that your sons help encourage without even knowing it. There will be times when she's busy and has to let them be self-entertaining but she might grow into it as they do. What got me so involved wasn't my own doing--it was my daughter loading up my phone with stuff my son wants to play. Hard to say no to that!

Great post. And solid points.

However, part of what you are getting at is to make it easy for my wife. Forget for a second that I shouldn't have to. And forget for a second that I am busy with a million other things, so why she can't just download a few educational apps is beyond me. Forget both of those for a sec.

How does it get any easier than simply saying to my son, "Do you want to play Memory?" If she is already going to play with him anyway. And she is already going to give him her time anyway. Why not just suggest Memory?

Or if she is already in the car with him. And she is already pulling up to a friend's house with him, then why not just say, "Who knows what number that is on the front door?" And when he shouts out, "I do. It is 15" just say, "Great job" like you are proud.

Most studies say it doesn't matter as much what you read to as it is that you read to them. And you know the reality is the time spent is more important than what you spend it doing. Your wife has two young children at home. I am assuming she does pretty much everything around the house. Do you wash diapers or clothes? Do you fix breakfast, lunch or dinner? Who runs the kids everywhere? To be honest I think you are complaining when you should be happy.

Yes. I change diapers all the time. I cook breakfast for them often. I do those sorts of things too. Not as much as her since I am at work and she is at home. But I absolutely do not play the. "It's all on you" card when I get home. Not at all. If I am home when a kid poops, I change the diaper. If I am home and they are hungry, I go straight to the kitchen to prepare something.

Even in this regard, I am the less lazy one. She will microwave them chicken nuggets because it is easier. I will actually cook them something. (And yes, before the piling on continues, I understand nuked nuggets are okay sometimes. But so is cooking real meals.)

Side story. My wife was gone for a weekend so I had them to myself. While being on them entirely, I used their nap time as an opportunity to prepare meatballs. I decided since my older one is not great with veggies, I would shred some up very tiny and put them right into the raw meat before I cooked them. I had spinach, broccoli, carrots, etc in there. Blended them down so tiny you couldn't really see it once they were mixed in with raw meat, eggs, breadcrumbs. It took a lot more time than doing meatballs the way my wife does. But they loved them. They wouldn't stop eating them. So rather than nuking frozen processed meatballs with no veggies in them, I took the time to prepare good ones. This is exactly what I am talking about with educational things.

My wife is not avoiding educational things because she has a different viewpoint on how to raise kids. She is avoiding it because she is simply lazy when it comes to that sort of thing.

 

[TxBuckeye]

Not sure if it's been mentioned yet. Have you tried the Memory game? I think your son might like that one.