Despite about 15 reminders, I forgot about Parent/Teacher conferences and was blithely unaware of this fact until I fielded a phone call on my bicycle from my less than pleased wife asking where I was. When I gleefully replied "heading home to you, babe" she said, with a screaming baby in the background, "did you forgot that we had conferences today"....

I told her to go on without me and that I'd be there as SOON as possible. My friends, absent any steroids, I turned into Lance Forrest Armstrong and pedaled home like a man determined to see the inside of a vulva again. I threw the bike in the garage, hopped in a car and drove to school like Benny Hill chasing a female streaker. I parked like an Asian woman in a shopping mall and ran into the school like Shuke in a walking boot. I made it to the first conference late, panting like Guster after typing a paragraph and apologized profusely like Woz after a round of sex. I sat there absorbing the rest of the conference in, nodding affirmatively, asking germane questions and when it was all said and done, I hopped up like the confident CEO of a Fortune 500 company, shook the teacher's hand, and then looked down in horror at the little plastic chair my fat butt was occupying. And as I looked down, we ALL looked down and spied Lake Asssweat, a perfect ring of butt perspiration left behind by a man so embarrassed all he could do was grab a handful of Kleenex and wipe it all away before running down the hall in shame to the next conference, where I preferred to stand.