GM's thread about nothing (41 Viewers)

[Ignoramus]

I think I accidentally deleted this already.

George Stephen arrived at 822am. 6lb 15oz. 21in. Full head of hair.

Mom did great with the c-section. They had to try the IV 3 times of course on the girl petrified of needles, but it was all good. I looked over the curtain and cut the cord and didn't even pass out.

Thanks for all the kind words and thoughts.

 

[Tiger Fan]

what's he in prison for?

 

[General Malaise]

what's he in prison for?

rape

 

[General Malaise]

what's he in prison for?

rape

JUST KIDDING! I wouldn't go see a raper. GM is NOT down with rapey dudes.

He used to run a mortgage company. A few of his employees falsified loan docs and used straw buyers in the go-go days of sub-prime magic mortgages. Because his name was on the loans as the top dog, he faced several counts of bank and wire fraud and instead of taking a plea bargain from the Feds, he went to trial and got nailed. 5 years, should be out in 2.5 with good behavior. I coached soccer with this guy and our sons are good friends. In fact, his son wants to come live with us.

He actually helps pass the time by emailing a few of us his journal entries of prison life. Pretty interesting stuff. You guys interested in this?

 

[Thorn]

what's he in prison for?

rape

JUST KIDDING! I wouldn't go see a raper. GM is NOT down with rapey dudes.

He used to run a mortgage company. A few of his employees falsified loan docs and used straw buyers in the go-go days of sub-prime magic mortgages. Because his name was on the loans as the top dog, he faced several counts of bank and wire fraud and instead of taking a plea bargain from the Feds, he went to trial and got nailed. 5 years, should be out in 2.5 with good behavior. I coached soccer with this guy and our sons are good friends. In fact, his son wants to come live with us.

He actually helps pass the time by emailing a few of us his journal entries of prison life. Pretty interesting stuff. You guys interested in this?

 

[Ignoramus]

what's he in prison for?

rape

JUST KIDDING! I wouldn't go see a raper. GM is NOT down with rapey dudes.

He used to run a mortgage company. A few of his employees falsified loan docs and used straw buyers in the go-go days of sub-prime magic mortgages. Because his name was on the loans as the top dog, he faced several counts of bank and wire fraud and instead of taking a plea bargain from the Feds, he went to trial and got nailed. 5 years, should be out in 2.5 with good behavior. I coached soccer with this guy and our sons are good friends. In fact, his son wants to come live with us.

He actually helps pass the time by emailing a few of us his journal entries of prison life. Pretty interesting stuff. You guys interested in this?

No way. We'd much rather hear about airport terminal numbering systems and how silly it is to call it anything other than "A Cookie Baked in a Deep Dish Served with a Scoop of Ice Cream."

 

[General Malaise]

Alright, here's one from June 27th. I'll try to fix the grammatical errors as best I can.

I figured I should share some individual stories...Here are a few of my favorites:



I don't think I have ever seen so many spider web tattoos before. I actually saw one last night on a guys arm....In the web was a marijuana leaf and a spider taking a bite.....At least this guys has some creativity.

I play softball a couple of nights a week and my team is dead last. We play 4 outfielders and I have the pleasure of securing the left field. The left center guy on my team is an Asian dude. They call him Mr. Kim. I am fairly certain this man has never been on a softball field before. When the ball is hit in his direction, which the opposing teams attempt to do each and every time at bat, the ball usually drops if in the air or rolls by him if on the ground.

This last week though proved that even a blind squirrel gets a nut sometimes...We are playing a game and its the last inning. The bases are loaded and there is one out. The score is 8-6..yes we are winning. The batter hits a line drive to Mr. Kim. I am sure the entire team thought the same thing I did...OH ####! Mr. Kim runs directly at the ball with his mitt in the air. The ball strikes the mitt so hard that it spins Mr. Kim's 105 pound body 180 degrees. I look over and the ball is "snow coned" in the glove. Mr. Kim had caught the ball. We had temporarily rejoiced with the exception of Mr. Kim. You would have thought it just got word that the Bureau of Prisons sent him a get out of jail free card. He was jumping up and down so excited that he had finally made a contribution to his team. He was literally jumping up and down and in a circle MULTIPLE times as the entire team screamed at Mr. Kim to throw the ball to the cut off man. By the time Mr. Kim finished rejoicing and threw the ball in the last runner was rounding third base to come home and beat us. Mr. Kim's small victory was overshadowed by his ultimate mistake in not knowing the rules of the game. I felt bad for him and congratulated him on his catch...Others were not so kind.....It provided me with a great laugh and that is something that is cherished here.

I officially have a 6 pack from working out everyday. The problem with this is that its hidden underneath a two inch layer of fat. I asked my physiology (yes, I am taking a physiology class from this Hollywood trainer guy) why I still look like the Michelin man. He said cut out the sugar and hit the cardio....ah man. Mt. Dew is my vice...I'll start that next week.

A couple of weeks ago this guy asked me if I wanted to make taffy.. I'm a bit puzzled by this request as I cannot imagine how he is going to do it.....so I'm like ya I'm down with that....He asked me for some creamer and he is going to provide the remaining ingredients. As we collect all the ingredients we head to the microwave to whip up our creation. The guy mixes the creamer with Blue coo laid in a plastic bowl for 5 mins stirring every minute to mix the concoction. As he pulls it out the crowd is growing wondering what is this blue slop that we are making. After a few minutes, sure enough it looks like taffy. The guy gives me a zip lock bag and has me open it up as he begins to pour the taffy into the bag. The crowd has grown to 30 people by now all waiting in animation for this edible surprise. As he pours the taffy into the bag, the blue goo shoots right through the bag and without hesitation hits the floor with a splat sound. He looks at me and says "####, that has never happened before". This other guy then comes over and with a fork scoops up a bite and says "this #### is good".....I cannot imagine a most disgusting surface to eat from. The Taffy experiment was an epic failure however I am hoping he will ask me to make taffy again. The taste just sounds good.

Whenever a new group of folks arrive here the staff puts them in Pink clothes and what are known as "Bruce Lee shoes" which without a doubt are the most uncomfortable shoes ever made. The other day this older guy walks in and I introduce myself to him in front of 25 other guys. This guys looks EXACTLY like Blue from the movie Old School. I asked him if anyone had ever called him "Blue". The whole crowd laughed and he now has his new name. I have no clue what his real name is.

Most people here has nicknames....Here are a few of my favorites

Two Chains....guy looks JUST like two chains the rapper
Turtle....guy got busted for selling turtles to this group who sells turtles illegally to the Chinese
Vegas...guy is from Vegas
McVey...guy looks like Tim McVey
Pistol Pete......softball pitcher who is the best here
Mud Flap.....this guy shaves his head and leaves about 3 inches in the back growing out this patch about 18 inches.



Gotta go for now..Tonight is date night and get the pleasure of kissing my beloved wife and feeling her skin while she kicks my ### in scrabble.


Thank you all for your continued love and support of me and my family.

Cheers,


David

 

[General Malaise]

I can't find the other bulletin. The CorrLinks email platform ain't exactly Outlook.

 

[UniAlias]

Geez. I kinda want to go there. I like taffy and Mt Dew and softball.

 

[-fish-]

Geez. I kinda want to go there. I like taffy and Mt Dew and softball.

I think those are all code words for surprise buttsex

 

[Idiot Boxer]

What is David's nickname?

 

[Ignoramus]

What is David's nickname?

I would guess David... because he looks like a David.

 

[strykerpks]

What is David's nickname?

Blue coo laid

 

[Osaurus]

Need taffy recipe please

 

[Tiger Fan]

what's he in prison for?

rape

JUST KIDDING! I wouldn't go see a raper. GM is NOT down with rapey dudes.

He used to run a mortgage company. A few of his employees falsified loan docs and used straw buyers in the go-go days of sub-prime magic mortgages. Because his name was on the loans as the top dog, he faced several counts of bank and wire fraud and instead of taking a plea bargain from the Feds, he went to trial and got nailed. 5 years, should be out in 2.5 with good behavior. I coached soccer with this guy and our sons are good friends. In fact, his son wants to come live with us.

He actually helps pass the time by emailing a few of us his journal entries of prison life. Pretty interesting stuff. You guys interested in this?

1. You had to ask?

2. What kind of internet access do these guys get?

 

[Henry Ford]

Can't you just vibrate through a wall if someone scary is coming?

If the wall is white, I'll just disrobe and stand up against it.

As an attorney, I feel obliged to advise you that this is definitely not the best way to avoid getting raped.

 

[Tiger Fan]

Geez. I kinda want to go there. I like taffy and Mt Dew and softball.

I think he's at summer camp, not jail

• Email
• Softball multiple nights a week
• Excercise
• Mt. Dew
• Making your own candy
• Scrabble

 

[cosjobs]

what's he in prison for?

rape

JUST KIDDING! I wouldn't go see a raper. GM is NOT down with rapey dudes.

He used to run a mortgage company. A few of his employees falsified loan docs and used straw buyers in the go-go days of sub-prime magic mortgages. Because his name was on the loans as the top dog, he faced several counts of bank and wire fraud and instead of taking a plea bargain from the Feds, he went to trial and got nailed. 5 years, should be out in 2.5 with good behavior. I coached soccer with this guy and our sons are good friends. In fact, his son wants to come live with us.

He actually helps pass the time by emailing a few of us his journal entries of prison life. Pretty interesting stuff. You guys interested in this?

If the Feds ever offer you a plea: TAKE IT

They don't get that far unless they have you nailed and when you turn down a plea they come with a vengeance.

 

[Henry Ford]

what's he in prison for?

rape

JUST KIDDING! I wouldn't go see a raper. GM is NOT down with rapey dudes.

He used to run a mortgage company. A few of his employees falsified loan docs and used straw buyers in the go-go days of sub-prime magic mortgages. Because his name was on the loans as the top dog, he faced several counts of bank and wire fraud and instead of taking a plea bargain from the Feds, he went to trial and got nailed. 5 years, should be out in 2.5 with good behavior. I coached soccer with this guy and our sons are good friends. In fact, his son wants to come live with us.

He actually helps pass the time by emailing a few of us his journal entries of prison life. Pretty interesting stuff. You guys interested in this?

If the Feds ever offer you a plea: TAKE IT

They don't get that far unless they have you nailed and when you turn down a plea they come with a vengeance.

Ray Nagin concurs.

 

[Good Posting Judge]

Isn't hard to get off early when you're doing Fed time? I've heard it's "easier" than state prison, but on average you're there for 90% of your initial sentence.

Spider web tattoos are a symbol of having been in prison before, IIRC, "Caught in the web of the system", or somesuch.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

Isn't hard to get off early when you're doing Fed time? I've heard it's "easier" than state prison, but on average you're there for 90% of your initial sentence.

Spider web tattoos are a symbol of having been in prison before, IIRC, "Caught in the web of the system", or somesuch.

Nah, it's like a girl scout patch. You get it when you successfully "make taffy".

 

[Good Posting Judge]

If you're in jail for selling turtles, can you tell people that you're actually in jail for something cool? Would people find out somehow?

 

[krista4]

If you're in jail for selling turtles, can you tell people that you're actually in jail for something cool? Would people find out somehow?

I have a friend whose brother is in jail for selling turtles. I actually thought that was a cool reason for being in jail.

Also, I like taffy. Unless that's some sort of prison euphemism.

 

[ScottNorwood]

If you're in jail for selling turtles, can you tell people that you're actually in jail for something cool? Would people find out somehow?

I'd at least try to adjust the story so I could appear more menacing. I'd probably say I was in jail for raping turtles.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

"What are you in for?"

"Murder. You?"

"Turtles."

 

[krista4]

I doubt they have a bunch of murderers in minimum security. Mostly turtle sellers, Martha Stewarts, people who pull tags off mattresses, etc.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

I doubt they have a bunch of murderers in minimum security. Mostly turtle sellers, Martha Stewarts, people who pull tags off mattresses, etc.

Explains the taffy

 

[Annyong]

Turtle rape isn't funny, guys.

 

[krista4]

Turtle rape isn't funny, guys.

What if the turtle was dressed provocatively?

 

[cosjobs]

If you're in jail for selling turtles, can you tell people that you're actually in jail for something cool? Would people find out somehow?

I have a friend whose brother is in jail for selling turtles. I actually thought that was a cool reason for being in jail.

Also, I like taffy. Unless Especially if that's some sort of prison euphemism.

 

[Bob Sacamano]

"Come on, your honor. You saw the way that reptile accentuated her snapper. She was begging for it!"

 

[Bob Sacamano]

OK, I'll ask. Why the hell is it illegal to sell turtles to the Chinese anyway?

Sure, you can have all our gold, but I'll be damned if you're getting any of our turtles you bastards.

 

[YSR]

#yesallturtles

 

[Good Posting Judge]

Well that rounds out the sig quite nicely.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

OK, I'll ask. Why the hell is it illegal to sell turtles to the Chinese anyway?

Sure, you can have all our gold, but I'll be damned if you're getting any of our turtles you bastards.

LINK

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Ask Dave if Mr. Kim knows Hock Meng Tay.

 

[Dan Gladden's Mustache]

Turtles: Not Even Once

 

[Drifter]

That taffy story sounds like a thinly veiled euphemism. Based on my knowledge of prison gleaned from watching Oz, what really happened was that he was forced to "stir" his roommate's taffy and when he "spilled" the hot sticky mess on the floor instead of where it was supposed to go, he was forced to lick it up.

You have to read between the lines.

 

[Dan Gladden's Mustache]

BTW, are we just gonna let it slide that GM had to clean up the grammar and spelling?

 

[Bob Sacamano]

OK, I'll ask. Why the hell is it illegal to sell turtles to the Chinese anyway?

Sure, you can have all our gold, but I'll be damned if you're getting any of our turtles you bastards.

LINK

I don't know, man. I could go for some egg rolls.

 

[UniAlias]

That taffy story sounds like a thinly veiled euphemism. Based on my knowledge of prison gleaned from watching Oz, what really happened was that he was forced to "stir" his roommate's taffy and when he "spilled" the hot sticky mess on the floor instead of where it was supposed to go, he was forced to lick it up.

You have to read between the lines.

Good lord

 

[Bob Sacamano]

NewGM: Now with better spelling than inmates.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

It has to be done. I guess it's up to me.

 

[Dan Lambskin]

IN SOVIET RUSSIA TURTLE SELL YOU

 

[Thorn]

Turtle rape isn't funny, guys.

What if the turtle was dressed provocatively?

What if the turtle just laid there on its back and didn't even try to flip over?

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

JFC...someone I know just posted one of those "missing kid" alerts on FB.

A brother and sister are missing from a nearby community. Obviously I hope that they are OK but...

Their names are Haedon and Rheagan.

Geood nhews. The Sheriphs fouhnd these khids. Thay'hair saphe ahnd in gewd condishun.

 

[Osaurus]

JFC...someone I know just posted one of those "missing kid" alerts on FB.

A brother and sister are missing from a nearby community. Obviously I hope that they are OK but...

Their names are Haedon and Rheagan.

Geood nhews. The Sheriphs fouhnd these khids. Thay'hair saphe ahnd in gewd condishun.

Coo beenz

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Turtle rape isn't funny, guys.

What if the turtle was dressed provocatively?

What if the turtle just laid there on its back and didn't even try to flip over?

Linc

 

[Annyong]

Turtle rape is getting funnier, guys.

 

[Frostillicus]

In High School I was in an Animal Behavior class where we got a pet and then were supposed to observe it at home and stuff and write a report. I got a turtle. Named him Slider. One day I brought him to school and put him in the fountain area to go for a swim. Well it was deeper than I thought and really dirty and then I had to go to class and the janitors even drained the thing and boom, no turtle. So I told the teacher I bought a new one but really I didn't and I made everything up and I got an A. That teacher was later fired because they found one when he was videotaping female students' giving presentations he was zooming in on their boobs. So it's kind of related to turtle rape.