ChiefD
Footballguy
Years ago I started a quest to make the perfect french fry. My inspiration was the fries they serve at Joe's Kansas City, which makes some damn good BBQ. I smoke ribs from time to time, so the fries are a nice complement along with the beans I smoke under the ribs all day.
Anyway, the following is a gift to you. This method makes a fry that can inspire people. It can create world peace. It can accomplish the following:
1. If you are single, any girl you want can be wooed with these fries.
2, If you are married, your wife will want you like never before and the other MILF's in the neighborhood will look at you longingly, knowing their p-whipped husbands could never produce something as awesome as this.
3. If you have friends addicted to crack, this will cure them because they literally are, and I quote from multiple fry eaters: "These are like crack."
4. The neighborhood kids will show up on bikes, tricycles, wagons, horse and buggy, zip line, helicopters, roller blades, skateboards, and circus ponies once they start to smell the peanut oil cooking. You will be the "cool dad" in the neighborhood because their dads are at home playing video games and watching HGTV.
5. Your own children will beg and plead and even offer to clean up their rooms if you promise to make fries.
This is no joke. These fries are seriously the most kick-### thing ever. And they are so simple. But most people don't take the time. They think it's difficult. They would rather eat poop out of a squirrels ###### than even try to make french fries from scratch. Or go to a stupid fast food joint, which is basically the same thing. Anyway, here you go. Step by step to fry utopia.
1. Use peanut oil.
2. Get you a deep fryer. Don't be a pus.sy and do these in a pot on your stove. Go to Bass Pro or Cabela's and get a bad-### propane fuc.king deep fryer. The fire is dangerous. Primal. And when you fire that bit.ch up it begs for respect and attention.
3. Grab a big bag of potatoes. Go to Costco or one of them places where you can buy 700 pounds of them for $18. Because, no matter how many of these you make, people will want more. You make 10 pounds, you will need 20. You make 20 pounds, you will need 80. No ####. I usually use the baker potatoes because bigger is better, amirite? My rule of thumb is one potato per person. Then double it. Some of you may ask: "Why not 2 potatoes per person?" That's a good fuc.king question. Go with that then. It doesn't matter. Whatever you make WILL NOT be enough.
4. Cut your potatoes. Do yourself a favor and buy a mandolin before you even start this process. No, not a stringed instrument, though by the time you are done the fair maidens will be strumming that sombit.ch writing songs about your damn fries. One of these.
5. When you are done cutting your taters, soak em in a big bucket of water for an hour or so. Maybe less. Or more. Depends on how much beer you have. Actually, that brings up another point. Have plenty of beer on hand. This takes time. You ain't doing this on a Tuesday. This is an event. If you run out of beer you may as well dump the peanut oil on your balls because they don't deserve any better treatment than that.
6. Dump your peanut oil in the deep fryer. You need about halfway up in the pan. Heat this up to 260 degrees.
7. Your first drop is going to be for 10 minutes exactly. Not 9. Not 11, unless you just watched a Spinal Tap movie. Then it's OK. After the ten minutes, dump your fries into a aluminum pan. Make sure you put some paper towels in the bottom to soak up the oil. Something like this
8. Do this for the remainder of your fries. They will NOT be done yet. This is the pre-cook faze, or the first cook faze. Whatever you internet semantic police want to call it. You will need multiple aluminum pans for this. The reason is that you know what will fit back in the deep fryer for the finish faze. Each pan = one drop.
9. After you have pre-cooked your fries, let them cool off for an hour or so. At this point you can drink more beer.
10. Fire up the deep fryer to 350 degrees. This is where the rubber hits the road. This is where the women start to gather, throwing their underwear at you. This is where you are David Lee Fuc.king Roth in his prime. Be really careful with your deep fryer here. It's really easy to get that bit.ch up to 759 degrees if you aren't paying attention.
11. Drop your fries. You will know when they are done when they are floating to the surface, looking at you like: "I need one of these bitc.hes standing around to eat me up."
12. Right when you pull them out of the oil. Sprinkle them with a seasoning salt or whatever you like. I go simple here: Lawry's. For all you fat bassturds out there, you could use a lo-sodium version, but then you kind of defeat the purpose after you just dipped potatoes into a deep fuc.king fryer.
13. Dump them into one of your aluminum pans with a fresh paper towel on the bottom, and salt them again. Lightly.
14. Eat. Distribute. Bask in the glory of being the man of the neighborhood.
I will not lie - these will change the lives of you, your family and your neighborhood. Have a great summer all. Thank me later.
Anyway, the following is a gift to you. This method makes a fry that can inspire people. It can create world peace. It can accomplish the following:
1. If you are single, any girl you want can be wooed with these fries.
2, If you are married, your wife will want you like never before and the other MILF's in the neighborhood will look at you longingly, knowing their p-whipped husbands could never produce something as awesome as this.
3. If you have friends addicted to crack, this will cure them because they literally are, and I quote from multiple fry eaters: "These are like crack."
4. The neighborhood kids will show up on bikes, tricycles, wagons, horse and buggy, zip line, helicopters, roller blades, skateboards, and circus ponies once they start to smell the peanut oil cooking. You will be the "cool dad" in the neighborhood because their dads are at home playing video games and watching HGTV.
5. Your own children will beg and plead and even offer to clean up their rooms if you promise to make fries.
This is no joke. These fries are seriously the most kick-### thing ever. And they are so simple. But most people don't take the time. They think it's difficult. They would rather eat poop out of a squirrels ###### than even try to make french fries from scratch. Or go to a stupid fast food joint, which is basically the same thing. Anyway, here you go. Step by step to fry utopia.
1. Use peanut oil.
2. Get you a deep fryer. Don't be a pus.sy and do these in a pot on your stove. Go to Bass Pro or Cabela's and get a bad-### propane fuc.king deep fryer. The fire is dangerous. Primal. And when you fire that bit.ch up it begs for respect and attention.
3. Grab a big bag of potatoes. Go to Costco or one of them places where you can buy 700 pounds of them for $18. Because, no matter how many of these you make, people will want more. You make 10 pounds, you will need 20. You make 20 pounds, you will need 80. No ####. I usually use the baker potatoes because bigger is better, amirite? My rule of thumb is one potato per person. Then double it. Some of you may ask: "Why not 2 potatoes per person?" That's a good fuc.king question. Go with that then. It doesn't matter. Whatever you make WILL NOT be enough.
4. Cut your potatoes. Do yourself a favor and buy a mandolin before you even start this process. No, not a stringed instrument, though by the time you are done the fair maidens will be strumming that sombit.ch writing songs about your damn fries. One of these.
5. When you are done cutting your taters, soak em in a big bucket of water for an hour or so. Maybe less. Or more. Depends on how much beer you have. Actually, that brings up another point. Have plenty of beer on hand. This takes time. You ain't doing this on a Tuesday. This is an event. If you run out of beer you may as well dump the peanut oil on your balls because they don't deserve any better treatment than that.
6. Dump your peanut oil in the deep fryer. You need about halfway up in the pan. Heat this up to 260 degrees.
7. Your first drop is going to be for 10 minutes exactly. Not 9. Not 11, unless you just watched a Spinal Tap movie. Then it's OK. After the ten minutes, dump your fries into a aluminum pan. Make sure you put some paper towels in the bottom to soak up the oil. Something like this
8. Do this for the remainder of your fries. They will NOT be done yet. This is the pre-cook faze, or the first cook faze. Whatever you internet semantic police want to call it. You will need multiple aluminum pans for this. The reason is that you know what will fit back in the deep fryer for the finish faze. Each pan = one drop.
9. After you have pre-cooked your fries, let them cool off for an hour or so. At this point you can drink more beer.
10. Fire up the deep fryer to 350 degrees. This is where the rubber hits the road. This is where the women start to gather, throwing their underwear at you. This is where you are David Lee Fuc.king Roth in his prime. Be really careful with your deep fryer here. It's really easy to get that bit.ch up to 759 degrees if you aren't paying attention.
11. Drop your fries. You will know when they are done when they are floating to the surface, looking at you like: "I need one of these bitc.hes standing around to eat me up."
12. Right when you pull them out of the oil. Sprinkle them with a seasoning salt or whatever you like. I go simple here: Lawry's. For all you fat bassturds out there, you could use a lo-sodium version, but then you kind of defeat the purpose after you just dipped potatoes into a deep fuc.king fryer.
13. Dump them into one of your aluminum pans with a fresh paper towel on the bottom, and salt them again. Lightly.
14. Eat. Distribute. Bask in the glory of being the man of the neighborhood.
I will not lie - these will change the lives of you, your family and your neighborhood. Have a great summer all. Thank me later.
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