Married guys/family guys (1 Viewer)

[BeTheMatch]

Otis....marry the right woman and you can do the same things you are doing now once you are married. I have been married for 5 years and still do whatever I want whenever I want. My wife is just one of those girls. Hard to find, but they are definitely out there.

I found one like that too. Very happy and very different than the marriages of a lot of people I know.I'm so tired of hearing guys complain that they "can't" go do something. Ever. That's bull####. You chose your ##### of a wife, so stop complaining about it!!

You don't have obligations or responsibilities?

Of course I do. I didn't say otherwise. All I meant was that I didn't have my balls removed and cease to exist as an individual or have to ask for "permission" to do something simply because I got married. I still had/have plenty of "me time."

 

[Afro Samurai]

You need to find yourself a "GOOD WOMAN" and all will be answered.

You find the right woman and you won't care about yourself. You'll want to spend every waking second with her and you won't give a crap what you're doing as long as it's with her.I know that sounds lame but it's true.

 

[Ranethe]

I am not a people person and, for the most part, prefer to be alone or pursuing solitary activities versus socializing or engaging in social activities.

This is the case for me as well.......I was lucky enough to find a girl who is also not a "people person". Outside of each other we have almost no friends. It's kinda weird but it works for us.

This might be why I view married life a bit differently than a lot of the guys in here. My wife and I are polar opposites. She is very outgoing and sociable, one of those people who strikes up conversations in the grocery store with total strangers (and makes me squirm in the process), and someone who is immediately liked by others (and attracts people in general). She thrives on social situations, chit chat, etc. While she has a few hobbies she absolutely needs contact with people to be happy.I have friends that I like to occasionally hang out with to watch football, play sports (in the past), etc. but it is not something I choose to do often.

 

[BeTheMatch]

You need to find yourself a "GOOD WOMAN" and all will be answered.

You find the right woman and you won't care about yourself. You'll want to spend every waking second with her and you won't give a crap what you're doing as long as it's with her.I know that sounds lame but it's true.

Every waking second?? Come on!!! You don't want to ever have a minute to yourself or to go out with the guys??????

 

[RudiStein]

LOOK AT ME! I'M PATRICK BATEMAN INCARNATE

 

[Big Dumb Ape]

Married to a non-harpie:

Take your day, add sex with a hot chick, someone else making you lunch, and your laundry takes care of itself.

I don't get days like this much anymore, but that has more to do with factors beyond the wife.

 

[Afro Samurai]

Every waking second?? Come on!!! You don't want to ever have a minute to yourself or to go out with the guys??????

I don't really have "guys".Every waking second is maybe a little bit of an exaggeration. My point was that "freedom" is an illusion.

 

[Afro Samurai]

LOOK AT ME! I'M PATRICK BATEMAN INCARNATE

 

[BeTheMatch]

Every waking second?? Come on!!! You don't want to ever have a minute to yourself or to go out with the guys??????

I don't really have "guys".Every waking second is maybe a little bit of an exaggeration. My point was that "freedom" is an illusion.

Maybe that's because you want to spend every waking second with your wife?

 

[Afro Samurai]

Maybe that's because you want to spend every waking second with your wife?

I simply have no need for guys. She has effectively replaced all my guys. My wife loves football, plus she can drink me under the table, and she has boobs. I'm not seeing any downside.

 

[IvanKaramazov]

Perhaps maybe I have learned to become somewhat selfish with my time, but I am just wondering whether you ever get days off like this when you have a family.

Not really, no. Okay, every once in a while my wife drives over to Red Wing to visit her dad, and she'll take the kids along, so I might have a Saturday to myself here and there, but the the completely lazy time-all-to-myself days pretty much ended when I got married and definitely ended when I had kids. And yeah to be honest I miss having days like that. I'm a very introverted person and I need a lot of "alone" time. I'm lucky in that I have a job that affords me a vast amount of unstructured time, and I make a solo trip to Vegas once a year to attend a conference but obviously that's about 90% vacation / 10% work. I would not want to go back to single life, but it would be foolish to deny that single life doesn't have its perks, especially for introverts like me.

 

[redman]

I'm asking whether you ever have this kind of freedom, this kind of control over your own time.

No. You'll have moments, but nothing like it is when you're by yourself.But what you get is an opportunity to share your life. It's a trade off. For some, it's worth it. For others, they regret it.

 

[kutta]

I've been married 15 years and have 3 kids. I get some time to myself (the wife is in Cali with her sister and the kids right now, so I have a free weekend). I LOVE the free time when they are gone. But if you are asking if I would trade it in to have free time forever - no way. When you are single, everything is middle of the road. You have some good times and some bad times and lots of free time. When you are married, the highs get higher and the lows get lower, but I would never trade and go back to the middle of the road life. Having unconditional love for and from your children is the most amazing experience, and until you have kids, you never understand it. The idea that you would truly die for someone without hesitation is a powerful feeling.

So I'll take the diaper changes, the waking in the middle of the night, the trips to the doctor, the sleepless nights, and no free time. Because in return I get four hugs when I get home from work, a miniature golfing buddy, told "I love you" when tucking in the kids at night, and to drink wine and watch a movie (or Ultimate Fighting, depending on her mood) with my wife after the kids are in bed. And I get to see my kids turn from babies to toddlers to teenagers to adults - and it is amazing to see.

So you can have your peaceful days. I'll keep my hectic ones and hope they don't get peaceful any time soon.

 

[Dentist]

your day sounds a little better than mine otis.

9:30 am wake up

read the paper and innernetted for awhile.

noon - went to the gym

afternoon - went to costco, ate lunch, read some magazines, had some buddies over hang out with.. we'll probably grill out here in a little and then probably go out for awhile.

I have a few more responsibilities than you because i own a house and two cars... mow the lawns, wash the cars, wax the cars, stain the deck, clean the hot tub, etc...

I get jealous sometimes of the apartment/condo life of no maintenance and what not..

but then again I do like have space/property of my own...

But the more you own, the more you have to maintain...

 

[Courtjester]

My answer to you is no--days like that do not happen very often when you are married (and never when you have kids).

Basically when you marry someone you become one, but don't get me wrong about that, you don't lose your independence and become attached at the hip with that person (at least not in a healthy marriage). There are moments when you get away and each does your own thing. What you are talking about in this scenario is, just turning the on/off switch in your marriage and hoping that other person leaves you alone and doesn't even talk to you all day--and that my friend, is not the recipe for a lasting marriage.

If you are happy in your life, live it. Judging by your previous posting, I would suggest you continue on your current path, if for nothing else, so us married guys can live vicariously through your adventures.

 

[Joe Bryant]

I may need to clarify.I completely understand that married/family life can be incredibly fulfilling, perhaps moreso than single life (or, at least, that's what I'm hoping it will be). I'm not asking whether you can be happy or not. Rather, I'm asking whether you ever have this kind of freedom, this kind of control over your own time. I can think of times where just having a girlfriend I felt like my entire weekend was plotted out in a pink notebook somewhere, complete with double dates, shopping excursions, afternoon picnics with her family, and the like. Perhaps maybe I have learned to become somewhat selfish with my time, but I am just wondering whether you ever get days off like this when you have a family.

Hi Otis,I think you're asking some great questions. For some reason, society seems to think "happiness" for a 35+ year old male means being married to a hot mom and having 2.5 above average children and a dog. (I fit that but have an extra kid and a half... )But I am firmly of the belief that a lot of guys just aren't in that mold. Many try to fit themselves in that mold and I think that's part of the reason we have such a divorce rate. To the point of your question, I think the answer is no. Unless you're a total tool, you will never have that kind of freedom over your time each day when you have a wife and kids. You might try it for a while but the wife and kids won't be in the picture long if you do. The real point of your question though, and the reason I say it's great you're asking, is that you have to weigh out for yourself how important it is to have that kind of life where you do only what you and you alone want.The timing is good that you ask as while I've been married for 17 years and a father for 13 years, I had a "bachelor" type week a couple of weeks ago when my wife and kids were out of town visiting her sister. I had a week of the same type of "do whatever you want whenever you want" you're talking about.Of course it's fun. Nobody asking for help or needing anything. No problems to solve or bickering siblings to calm down. But for me, I got tired of it after a couple of days and really missed my family. In "balance" of things, I'd much rather have all good things that go with my family as they far outweigh for me the good things of being able to do whatever I want.BUT, that's just me. For a great many guys, they wouldn't trade. They're just wired a little differently. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.What can get wrong is when a guy that really loves the freedom stuff for himself tries to squeeze himself into a life where he needs to care more about other people. I have a very close friend that way. Absolute great guy. He just turned 40 and he's on wife #3. I hope he's changed enough for #3, but the first 2 marriages failed for the very reason we're talking about. He far more enjoyed the "me" time in doing whatever he wanted more than he did the family stuff. I used to tell him, "There's nothing wrong with caring more about that stuff than you do other people. You just don't need to be married".Again though, back to your original question as I think that's what you were getting at - the days like you describe in the original post of doing whatever you want whenever you want are pretty much over when you get into a relationship. Much less as a husband and especially as a father. Great that you're exploring this now. Lots of guys wait until it's way too late.J

 

[prosopis]

I'm in the midst of a very lazy and uneventful Saturday and at some point today had the thought that I bet one day I'll look back longingly on days like today.I got up around 9:30 or 10 a.m. Whenever I had the urge. I could have stayed in bed, but I just wasn't tired anymore. Walked up the street to pick up breakfast (a large coffee and an egg white sandwich on whole grain). Came home, popped on the NFL network and some sportscenter, cruised the FFA some. Straightened up a little, packed some clothes for a trip out of town tomorrow, and sat back in front of the TV. At about 2pm decided it was time to hit the gym. Went downstairs to the gym in my building, ran a couple miles, lifted weights, then proceed up to the roof deck to get some sun and listen to my iPod. Hot as it is out there, there's actually a nice breeze up high, and it was quite relaxing. I'm just now about to jump in the shower and figure out what clothes to throw on before heading out to a bachelor party in Manhattan. All tolled, I won't have spoken to a soul until this evening, I'll have really had nothing pressing to do today, no appointments, no errands, and nobody to answer to.Is life after marriage really never, ever like this again?TIA

Most of what you describe here is married life. You should really be out enjoying being single instead of spending so much time on a message board. Trust me there will be lots of time for the FFA when you are married. I would hate myself if I was single and spent as much time on a message board as you do.

 

[BeTheMatch]

I'm in the midst of a very lazy and uneventful Saturday and at some point today had the thought that I bet one day I'll look back longingly on days like today.I got up around 9:30 or 10 a.m. Whenever I had the urge. I could have stayed in bed, but I just wasn't tired anymore. Walked up the street to pick up breakfast (a large coffee and an egg white sandwich on whole grain). Came home, popped on the NFL network and some sportscenter, cruised the FFA some. Straightened up a little, packed some clothes for a trip out of town tomorrow, and sat back in front of the TV. At about 2pm decided it was time to hit the gym. Went downstairs to the gym in my building, ran a couple miles, lifted weights, then proceed up to the roof deck to get some sun and listen to my iPod. Hot as it is out there, there's actually a nice breeze up high, and it was quite relaxing. I'm just now about to jump in the shower and figure out what clothes to throw on before heading out to a bachelor party in Manhattan. All tolled, I won't have spoken to a soul until this evening, I'll have really had nothing pressing to do today, no appointments, no errands, and nobody to answer to.Is life after marriage really never, ever like this again?TIA

Most of what you describe here is married life. You should really be out enjoying being single instead of spending so much time on a message board. Trust me there will be lots of time for the FFA when you are married. I would hate myself if I was single and spent as much time on a message board as you do.

Utterly and completely

 

[parasaurolophus]

I think you already know the answer to this question. You know it wont be the same ever. You also know you WON'T WANT it to be the same.

You are over 30 now. You make reference to the future mrs otis. I think you know that being able to sit around on a saturday isnt really that cool.

You know you always hear the married guys whine, I do it too. But most of us wouldnt trade it. It has peaks and valleys, just like everything else in this world.

Here is the thing though, it is not something you can ever hear or be convinced of by another person.

I woke up at 5:30 this morning, I went to Lowe's. I spent 400 bucks on wood so I can finally finish my garage siding. Had a buddy in town from Madison to help me. We put up some siding, had lunch, and hung out for a bit he then had to leave because he just had twins and wanted to get back to his family. Then my son and I went to the grocery store and then to a birthday party. I just got home, put my son to bed early cuz he didnt have a nap, and now I am checking in on the FFA and will probably watch a movie.

Last saturday wasnt too different except I was staining the inlaws deck and my wife wasnt out of town so we hung out.

Next saturday we are going on a mini family vacation.

These things dont really sound that cool when you are single. When you are married and have a kid you sit here reading the lines you just typed you say "wow, I love my life."

 

[Ranethe]

I may need to clarify.I completely understand that married/family life can be incredibly fulfilling, perhaps moreso than single life (or, at least, that's what I'm hoping it will be). I'm not asking whether you can be happy or not. Rather, I'm asking whether you ever have this kind of freedom, this kind of control over your own time. I can think of times where just having a girlfriend I felt like my entire weekend was plotted out in a pink notebook somewhere, complete with double dates, shopping excursions, afternoon picnics with her family, and the like. Perhaps maybe I have learned to become somewhat selfish with my time, but I am just wondering whether you ever get days off like this when you have a family.

Hi Otis,I think you're asking some great questions. For some reason, society seems to think "happiness" for a 35+ year old male means being married to a hot mom and having 2.5 above average children and a dog. (I fit that but have an extra kid and a half... )But I am firmly of the belief that a lot of guys just aren't in that mold. Many try to fit themselves in that mold and I think that's part of the reason we have such a divorce rate. To the point of your question, I think the answer is no. Unless you're a total tool, you will never have that kind of freedom over your time each day when you have a wife and kids. You might try it for a while but the wife and kids won't be in the picture long if you do. The real point of your question though, and the reason I say it's great you're asking, is that you have to weigh out for yourself how important it is to have that kind of life where you do only what you and you alone want.The timing is good that you ask as while I've been married for 17 years and a father for 13 years, I had a "bachelor" type week a couple of weeks ago when my wife and kids were out of town visiting her sister. I had a week of the same type of "do whatever you want whenever you want" you're talking about.Of course it's fun. Nobody asking for help or needing anything. No problems to solve or bickering siblings to calm down. But for me, I got tired of it after a couple of days and really missed my family. In "balance" of things, I'd much rather have all good things that go with my family as they far outweigh for me the good things of being able to do whatever I want.BUT, that's just me. For a great many guys, they wouldn't trade. They're just wired a little differently. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.What can get wrong is when a guy that really loves the freedom stuff for himself tries to squeeze himself into a life where he needs to care more about other people. I have a very close friend that way. Absolute great guy. He just turned 40 and he's on wife #3. I hope he's changed enough for #3, but the first 2 marriages failed for the very reason we're talking about. He far more enjoyed the "me" time in doing whatever he wanted more than he did the family stuff. I used to tell him, "There's nothing wrong with caring more about that stuff than you do other people. You just don't need to be married".Again though, back to your original question as I think that's what you were getting at - the days like you describe in the original post of doing whatever you want whenever you want are pretty much over when you get into a relationship. Much less as a husband and especially as a father. Great that you're exploring this now. Lots of guys wait until it's way too late.J

:(

 

[prosopis]

I think you already know the answer to this question. You know it wont be the same ever. You also know you WON'T WANT it to be the same.You are over 30 now. You make reference to the future mrs otis. I think you know that being able to sit around on a saturday isnt really that cool.You know you always hear the married guys whine, I do it too. But most of us wouldnt trade it. It has peaks and valleys, just like everything else in this world.Here is the thing though, it is not something you can ever hear or be convinced of by another person.I woke up at 5:30 this morning, I went to Lowe's. I spent 400 bucks on wood so I can finally finish my garage siding. Had a buddy in town from Madison to help me. We put up some siding, had lunch, and hung out for a bit he then had to leave because he just had twins and wanted to get back to his family. Then my son and I went to the grocery store and then to a birthday party. I just got home, put my son to bed early cuz he didnt have a nap, and now I am checking in on the FFA and will probably watch a movie. Last saturday wasnt too different except I was staining the inlaws deck and my wife wasnt out of town so we hung out.Next saturday we are going on a mini family vacation.These things dont really sound that cool when you are single. When you are married and have a kid you sit here reading the lines you just typed you say "wow, I love my life."

Wait!!!Otis is over 30 :( I thought he was early 20s.

 

[KGB]

I think you already know the answer to this question. You know it wont be the same ever. You also know you WON'T WANT it to be the same.You are over 30 now. You make reference to the future mrs otis. I think you know that being able to sit around on a saturday isnt really that cool.You know you always hear the married guys whine, I do it too. But most of us wouldnt trade it. It has peaks and valleys, just like everything else in this world.Here is the thing though, it is not something you can ever hear or be convinced of by another person.I woke up at 5:30 this morning, I went to Lowe's. I spent 400 bucks on wood so I can finally finish my garage siding. Had a buddy in town from Madison to help me. We put up some siding, had lunch, and hung out for a bit he then had to leave because he just had twins and wanted to get back to his family. Then my son and I went to the grocery store and then to a birthday party. I just got home, put my son to bed early cuz he didnt have a nap, and now I am checking in on the FFA and will probably watch a movie. Last saturday wasnt too different except I was staining the inlaws deck and my wife wasnt out of town so we hung out.Next saturday we are going on a mini family vacation.These things dont really sound that cool when you are single. When you are married and have a kid you sit here reading the lines you just typed you say "wow, I love my life."

See. I would be pissed if i had to waste a saturday staining my inlaws deck.

 

[Brewzers]

I enjoyed my single life immensely, however, it reached a point of diminishing returns...as I got older the SOS wasn't as fun. I've been married for 16 years, two wonderful daughters 14 & 12. The thing that I'm most appreciative of is the added diversity in my life. I do things I never thought I'd do, much less enjoy, such as snow skiing, go to G Love & Special Sauce concerts (my oldest daughters fave and now Voxtrot), cook a T'giving feast for multiple people, play soccer and I have a cat.

When you boil it down, the life we end up living is a series of choices. You need to be real comfortable with them.

 

[Senor Schmutzig]

I'm on Day One of ten days of being a "bachelor". My wife and 3 year old son left this morning to spend a week or so at MIL's house. As someone who enjoys his independence, I have been looking forward to this break for awhile. Of course I say that now but I'm really going to start missing them after day 3 or so....

It is nice to have endless hours to myself where I can choose to do what I want. Today, I spent the majority of the day catching up on my DVR shows, re-formatting 3 computers and re-loading windows , hitting 130+ balls at the range and drinking some beer. Not too bad.

Yes, you will look back on those days longingly however you will also feel so thankful that you have found someone that (hopefully) provides you with unconditional love and a family that will always be there for you and you for them. It's a tradeoff for sure but hopefully you will get periods of time that you will be able to enjoy to yourself if that's what you are looking for. My wife understands that I enjoy this time alone however she also knows that I love her and this time alone makes me appreciate my family that much more. It's tough to explain from your perspective but as it was said above, it's a tradeoff that I wouldn't change.

 

[Dutch Kincade]

This would be an interesting off shoot to this thread...

Once you have found one of these women who actually dont care what you do and let you have your freedom and fun just about as much as you would like, what are the odds they change after marriage?

In other words, how many times can I throw these fish back before I really regret not keeping one?

 

[shuke]

Rather, I'm asking whether you ever have this kind of freedom, this kind of control over your own time.

Married, yes.Married with kids, no.

 

[redman]

I may need to clarify.I completely understand that married/family life can be incredibly fulfilling, perhaps moreso than single life (or, at least, that's what I'm hoping it will be). I'm not asking whether you can be happy or not. Rather, I'm asking whether you ever have this kind of freedom, this kind of control over your own time. I can think of times where just having a girlfriend I felt like my entire weekend was plotted out in a pink notebook somewhere, complete with double dates, shopping excursions, afternoon picnics with her family, and the like. Perhaps maybe I have learned to become somewhat selfish with my time, but I am just wondering whether you ever get days off like this when you have a family.

Hi Otis,I think you're asking some great questions. For some reason, society seems to think "happiness" for a 35+ year old male means being married to a hot mom and having 2.5 above average children and a dog. (I fit that but have an extra kid and a half... )But I am firmly of the belief that a lot of guys just aren't in that mold. Many try to fit themselves in that mold and I think that's part of the reason we have such a divorce rate. To the point of your question, I think the answer is no. Unless you're a total tool, you will never have that kind of freedom over your time each day when you have a wife and kids. You might try it for a while but the wife and kids won't be in the picture long if you do. The real point of your question though, and the reason I say it's great you're asking, is that you have to weigh out for yourself how important it is to have that kind of life where you do only what you and you alone want.The timing is good that you ask as while I've been married for 17 years and a father for 13 years, I had a "bachelor" type week a couple of weeks ago when my wife and kids were out of town visiting her sister. I had a week of the same type of "do whatever you want whenever you want" you're talking about.Of course it's fun. Nobody asking for help or needing anything. No problems to solve or bickering siblings to calm down. But for me, I got tired of it after a couple of days and really missed my family. In "balance" of things, I'd much rather have all good things that go with my family as they far outweigh for me the good things of being able to do whatever I want.BUT, that's just me. For a great many guys, they wouldn't trade. They're just wired a little differently. And there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.What can get wrong is when a guy that really loves the freedom stuff for himself tries to squeeze himself into a life where he needs to care more about other people. I have a very close friend that way. Absolute great guy. He just turned 40 and he's on wife #3. I hope he's changed enough for #3, but the first 2 marriages failed for the very reason we're talking about. He far more enjoyed the "me" time in doing whatever he wanted more than he did the family stuff. I used to tell him, "There's nothing wrong with caring more about that stuff than you do other people. You just don't need to be married".Again though, back to your original question as I think that's what you were getting at - the days like you describe in the original post of doing whatever you want whenever you want are pretty much over when you get into a relationship. Much less as a husband and especially as a father. Great that you're exploring this now. Lots of guys wait until it's way too late.J

 

[the rover]

Otis, cherish it.

Look, being a father is great. It's life changing, rewarding, and every day I get to witness something incredible as my daughter gets older (I'm sure this wonder will all stop at 12 or 13).

But I usually can't even have 5 minutes alone to take a dump.

 

[Otis]

Utterly and completely

I don't feel tardy.

 

[Otis]

Otis, cherish it.Look, being a father is great. It's life changing, rewarding, and every day I get to witness something incredible as my daughter gets older (I'm sure this wonder will all stop at 12 or 13).But I usually can't even have 5 minutes alone to take a dump.

This is sort of the type of answer I'm expecting.

 

[Joe Bryant]

Again though, back to your original question as I think that's what you were getting at - the days like you describe in the original post of doing whatever you want whenever you want are pretty much over when you get into a relationship. Much less as a husband and especially as a father.

Joe, which is more challenging as a family guy, being a good husband or a good father?

Wow FM. That is a great question. I honestly can't say. One thing I think I can say on it though is that you really have to be intentional. By that I mean that just loving them isn't enough. They need to know and see that you really love them. And that usually equates to time you spend with them and how you spend that time.And taking it back to Otis' original post, that's sort of what he's hitting on there with time and how it's spent. Again, there's not a thing in the world wrong with loving the time for yourself. I totally understand that. I'm just saying it's tough to give all that time to others if you'd really rather be giving it to yourself.J

 

[Jiggyonthehut]

The things you have in life aren't as interesting or fulfilling unless you have someone to share it with.That being said, that "someone" doesn't always have to equate to a wife and kids. Plenty of people are mentors or do volunteer work or have other activities where they can find a rewarding relationship with others without as much of the financial and emotional commitment. Not everyone is built to have or raise a child. There's a saying I have - It takes an entire family to create a healthy happy family and it only takes one person to ruin a family. No one wants to talk about it, but having kids is a crap shoot. There are some really great kids that come out of some rough circumstances. There are some fairly horrible children that come from the best homes and the best parents anyone can ask for in life. There is no real rhyme or reason for it. Some kids are good, some kids are bad. Sure you can do everything you can to try to raise a good child, but in the end, sometimes you just have no control over that. The child will respond or they just won't. Are you missing out? I don't know. I'd wager its better to be single than if you got married and married the wrong person. The ideal is to marry the right person, but there's nothing sane or simple about that. Some men are built for marriage and kids. Good for them if it makes them happy. Some men are not. Good for them too. I don't believe there is someone for everyone out there, and even if there is, sometimes you don't meet the right person at the right time in your life. I wouldn't worry about it. It will happen. Or it won't. Either way, you won't have much control over any of it except trying to live a good life for yourself and hope that one day it will expand into something else.

Become mean again please.

 

[Jiggyonthehut]

Otis, within 3-5 years you wont be pulling in anymore prime tail and likely end up with a porker in the sheets with you on a regular basis. Grab a looker and spend your days with her instead.

 

[SHIZNITTTT]

Being married and having "me time" is tough to get sometimes. I have twin boys, and I love nothing more than spending time with them, but they can be handful, and every now and then I need a break, I get together a couple of times a year with the guys for a "guys night out" PPV fights, fantasy drafts, fishing trips, and out annual "mountain man retreat" this is all the guys from work where we go camping for 3 days and tell lies about our female conquests.

Just this week I had a few days to myself. My wife, mother-in-law and sisters took the boys for a mini vacation I got 3 days to myself. 1st day was great slept in till 10, got the paper, plopped down on the couch, ate some breakfast, watched TV, took a shower, went to the casino around 4, played in a poker tournament, called wife and talked with her and the kids, they are going to water park today, and play putt putt, went to a club with some friends, noticed how many pretty women are at the club, was jealous of my single friends, went home, was wondering what it must be like to be single and do this everyday.

Day 2 woke up next day at 10, got the paper, ate some breakfast cereal out of a mixing bowl, drank out of the milk carton, feed the cats hotdogs, watched some mature TV, took a shower, called wife talked to her and the kids, they are going to an amusement park today, washed the truck, mowed the yard, watched a movie, went to bed.

Day 3 woke up and wondered to myself why in the hell I didn't go with them, I am starting to get bored out of my mind, talked to wife and kids, and today they are going to some shows, I am watching TV and cannot find anything to watch, surfing FFA board, cannot wait until the kids return, wouldn't want to be single again EVER! Well at least not for a couple of days of the twins being home.

It is a balance between free time and family time. Everyone needs a little time for themselves, wife, kids, and you.

I wouldn't want to be single again, I remember all the fun of doing whatever I want when I want, when I was single, but wouldn't go back.

You don't need to get all of your "me time" out of your system when your married, but you might want to take it down a notch, and if memory serves me correctly, when you are married for the first couple of years, you will want to be home, A LOT! Oh, that honeymoon phase!

 

[Courtjester]

Again though, back to your original question as I think that's what you were getting at - the days like you describe in the original post of doing whatever you want whenever you want are pretty much over when you get into a relationship. Much less as a husband and especially as a father.

Joe, which is more challenging as a family guy, being a good husband or a good father?

Wow FM. That is a great question. I honestly can't say. One thing I think I can say on it though is that you really have to be intentional. By that I mean that just loving them isn't enough. They need to know and see that you really love them. And that usually equates to time you spend with them and how you spend that time.And taking it back to Otis' original post, that's sort of what he's hitting on there with time and how it's spent. Again, there's not a thing in the world wrong with loving the time for yourself. I totally understand that. I'm just saying it's tough to give all that time to others if you'd really rather be giving it to yourself.J

Just to chime in, I would say being a good husband is harder IMO. Being a good dad is just one of those things that comes naturally. Spending time with and playing with your children is a joy and is something that just flows.However, keeping a PMS'd wife of 18 years, who is upset that I bought the wrong brand of cheese satisfied is something that takes a large amount of effort each and every day.

 

[redman]

Again though, back to your original question as I think that's what you were getting at - the days like you describe in the original post of doing whatever you want whenever you want are pretty much over when you get into a relationship. Much less as a husband and especially as a father.

Joe, which is more challenging as a family guy, being a good husband or a good father?

Wow FM. That is a great question. I honestly can't say. One thing I think I can say on it though is that you really have to be intentional. By that I mean that just loving them isn't enough. They need to know and see that you really love them. And that usually equates to time you spend with them and how you spend that time.And taking it back to Otis' original post, that's sort of what he's hitting on there with time and how it's spent. Again, there's not a thing in the world wrong with loving the time for yourself. I totally understand that. I'm just saying it's tough to give all that time to others if you'd really rather be giving it to yourself.J

Just to chime in, I would say being a good husband is harder IMO. Being a good dad is just one of those things that comes naturally. Spending time with and playing with your children is a joy and is something that just flows.However, keeping a PMS'd wife of 18 years, who is upset that I bought the wrong brand of cheese satisfied is something that takes a large amount of effort each and every day.

I'm not a father, but IMHO you can't really separate the two. Part of being a good husband is taking over as father so your wife can go get her decompression time, i.e. get her nails done, lunch with her mother or friends, personal errands, etc. Part of being a good father is showing your kids how to work out problems with your wife and showing affection to her, etc. There's too much overlap there for those two things to be separated. They're all part of one package, although there's no doubt that there are guys who are more successful in their relationships with their kids than their wives, or vice versa.

 

[Pick]

The things you have in life aren't as interesting or fulfilling unless you have someone to share it with.That being said, that "someone" doesn't always have to equate to a wife and kids. Plenty of people are mentors or do volunteer work or have other activities where they can find a rewarding relationship with others without as much of the financial and emotional commitment. Not everyone is built to have or raise a child. There's a saying I have - It takes an entire family to create a healthy happy family and it only takes one person to ruin a family. No one wants to talk about it, but having kids is a crap shoot. There are some really great kids that come out of some rough circumstances. There are some fairly horrible children that come from the best homes and the best parents anyone can ask for in life. There is no real rhyme or reason for it. Some kids are good, some kids are bad. Sure you can do everything you can to try to raise a good child, but in the end, sometimes you just have no control over that. The child will respond or they just won't. Are you missing out? I don't know. I'd wager its better to be single than if you got married and married the wrong person. The ideal is to marry the right person, but there's nothing sane or simple about that. Some men are built for marriage and kids. Good for them if it makes them happy. Some men are not. Good for them too. I don't believe there is someone for everyone out there, and even if there is, sometimes you don't meet the right person at the right time in your life. I wouldn't worry about it. It will happen. Or it won't. Either way, you won't have much control over any of it except trying to live a good life for yourself and hope that one day it will expand into something else.

Become mean again please.

Actually I took that as a formula for a miserable life.

 

[Pick]

Again though, back to your original question as I think that's what you were getting at - the days like you describe in the original post of doing whatever you want whenever you want are pretty much over when you get into a relationship. Much less as a husband and especially as a father.

Joe, which is more challenging as a family guy, being a good husband or a good father?

Wow FM. That is a great question. I honestly can't say. One thing I think I can say on it though is that you really have to be intentional. By that I mean that just loving them isn't enough. They need to know and see that you really love them. And that usually equates to time you spend with them and how you spend that time.And taking it back to Otis' original post, that's sort of what he's hitting on there with time and how it's spent. Again, there's not a thing in the world wrong with loving the time for yourself. I totally understand that. I'm just saying it's tough to give all that time to others if you'd really rather be giving it to yourself.J

Just to chime in, I would say being a good husband is harder IMO. Being a good dad is just one of those things that comes naturally. Spending time with and playing with your children is a joy and is something that just flows.However, keeping a PMS'd wife of 18 years, who is upset that I bought the wrong brand of cheese satisfied is something that takes a large amount of effort each and every day.

I'm not a father, but IMHO you can't really separate the two. Part of being a good husband is taking over as father so your wife can go get her decompression time, i.e. get her nails done, lunch with her mother or friends, personal errands, etc. Part of being a good father is showing your kids how to work out problems with your wife and showing affection to her, etc. There's too much overlap there for those two things to be separated. They're all part of one package, although there's no doubt that there are guys who are more successful in their relationships with their kids than their wives, or vice versa.

I don't think you can be a good husband and a bad father at the same time. But I do think you can be a good father but a terrible husband.

 

[proninja]

There's a saying I have - It takes an entire family to create a healthy happy family and it only takes one person to ruin a family. No one wants to talk about it, but having kids is a crap shoot. There are some really great kids that come out of some rough circumstances. There are some fairly horrible children that come from the best homes and the best parents anyone can ask for in life. There is no real rhyme or reason for it. Some kids are good, some kids are bad. Sure you can do everything you can to try to raise a good child, but in the end, sometimes you just have no control over that. The child will respond or they just won't. Are you missing out? I don't know. I'd wager its better to be single than if you got married and married the wrong person. The ideal is to marry the right person, but there's nothing sane or simple about that. Some men are built for marriage and kids. Good for them if it makes them happy. Some men are not. Good for them too. I don't believe there is someone for everyone out there, and even if there is, sometimes you don't meet the right person at the right time in your life. I wouldn't worry about it. It will happen. Or it won't. Either way, you won't have much control over any of it except trying to live a good life for yourself and hope that one day it will expand into something else.

Gekko, I've got some thoughts that I'd enjoy your response to.It seems to me from reading posts related to a professional life, you're huge on personal responsibility. You seem to be the type of guy who will make sure he succeeds, and will make sure that what he does leads toward success in the business world. Also, that if someone has the requisite aptitude, that their success/failure is purely determined by their own refusal to fail. Is this fair of me to say? It seems, however, that when it comes to a personal life, you're 100% the opposite. This post is littered with blaming anyone but the subject for every problem. Your vitriol toward women is approaching legendary status around here, and I've seen you post the "some kids are bad eggs" a few different times. Well, you're absolutely right. Some kids are. Really though, most aren't. I've known a few bad eggs, and they all had one thing in common - a father who'd abdicated his responsibility as a dad, and probably said something like "some kids are bad eggs." Some kids resort to crime, some kids resort to drugs, and some decide that they won't ever let anyone else wrest control from their lives again. They then develop a maniacal drive to succeed professionally because if they develop close relationships with a wife or children, it is going to force them to feel strong emotions which they cannot do without bringing up past emotions revolving around family. Oftentimes they are completely unable to deal with these emotions, so they shut down, the people in their interpersonal lives realize they're un-responsive, and act accordingly. It makes sense - we all post from our own limited experience and world view. I'm sure your posts about women are true from your own experience, but everything you post from this experience has one thing in common - you. Were this a professional subject, I have little doubt you'd tell a young man that if he was willing to make the sacrifice to succeed in marriage and be fulfilled, that he could ensure that success in all but the most rare situations. Since it's a personal subject, however, you're blaming the kids, the woman, and anything else for the state of marriage and fatherhood.I don't like that. It rubs me the wrong way. While I full well realize that I cannot control what other people do, I believe that my own actions can influence how those closest to me will respond to me. I realize that in some cases there's nothing you can do - your wife is going to cheat, your kid is going to go to jail - but I refuse to accept no responsibility for the future of my family, and feel that throwing my hands up in the air and saying "there's nothing I can do" is short-sighted as well as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, I'd rather work as hard as I can to grow as a man, be a good husband to my wife, and accept responsibility for the future of my family in exactly the same way I take responsibility for my future professionally. Maybe I'm simply young and naive, but I'd much rather grow into a man who accepts responsibility for all aspects of his life and proactively behaves in a way to acomplish his goals than one who does not.Perhaps I've overstepped the bounds of a message board with this post, and my intent is not to offend. I learn more from your posts about any professional subject more than anyone else here, bar none - I simply don't understand where you're coming from when you post about women, hence this wild guess of a post.

 

[bentley]

I'm in the midst of a very lazy and uneventful Saturday and at some point today had the thought that I bet one day I'll look back longingly on days like today.I got up around 9:30 or 10 a.m. Whenever I had the urge. I could have stayed in bed, but I just wasn't tired anymore. Walked up the street to pick up breakfast (a large coffee and an egg white sandwich on whole grain). Came home, popped on the NFL network and some sportscenter, cruised the FFA some. Straightened up a little, packed some clothes for a trip out of town tomorrow, and sat back in front of the TV. At about 2pm decided it was time to hit the gym. Went downstairs to the gym in my building, ran a couple miles, lifted weights, then proceed up to the roof deck to get some sun and listen to my iPod. Hot as it is out there, there's actually a nice breeze up high, and it was quite relaxing. I'm just now about to jump in the shower and figure out what clothes to throw on before heading out to a bachelor party in Manhattan. All tolled, I won't have spoken to a soul until this evening, I'll have really had nothing pressing to do today, no appointments, no errands, and nobody to answer to.Is life after marriage really never, ever like this again?TIA

I don't have kids, but we often have days like this (except for the fact that the wife doesn't go to the bachelor parties with me). I'm not sure what I'm trying to say except that maybe this should jus be directed at family guys.

 

[Irish]

Otis....marry the right woman and you can do the same things you are doing now once you are married. I have been married for 5 years and still do whatever I want whenever I want. My wife is just one of those girls. Hard to find, but they are definitely out there.

I don't believe this.

Because you are a guy and believe that once you get married you lose your balls and the wife owns your ####. Not the case in every marriage. Certainly not the case in mine. Find the right girl and you will see.

I still don't believe it.

Okay...I'm lying. Carry on.

I knew it! This is more propaganda from the wimmens in hopes of trapping more of the better species.

 

[El Floppo]

Married, with a 7 week-old boy.

I think anybody who claims they are in a serious relationship and can do whatever, whenever they want isn't exactly telling the whole truth. They at least consider and include their SO in their decisions, which doesn't mean giving up their balls and becoming spineless jellyfish, it just means being in a serious, caring and considerate relationship. Ideally, this still means you end up getting to do what you want, when you want- but the implication that it doesn't at least consider the SO is BS, IMHO.

That said- the right woman and the right relationship (understanding, trust, communication) should allow you to have the kind of days you described... it's just considerate to include your SO in that decision making process. I don't for a second believe any of the guys claiming to do what and when they want are just disappearing for a day without comment to their SOs.

That said again- 7 weeks into this having a kid thing, and I'm seeing that all that pretty much goes out the window. "Me" time is going to be dependent on both the SO AND the kid from here on out, which means scheduling things out a lot more and losing the ability to be as spontaneous that being single or even in a happy relationship allow. But this doesn't mean that I'm not getting to do the things I want- I just have to figure out with my wife how to make those things work.

HTH

 

[abhall]

Otis, cherish it.Look, being a father is great. It's life changing, rewarding, and every day I get to witness something incredible as my daughter gets older (I'm sure this wonder will all stop at 12 or 13).But I usually can't even have 5 minutes alone to take a dump.

Funny. Today my two year old little girl busted in on me while I was trying to drop a bomb. Always uncomfortable.Married life is rewarding, but can also be stressful. Especially when you have kids and have to support your family. I think it's well worth it though. I had no idea I could love someone so much until my daughter was born.....The key is 1) Selecting the right spouse and 2) Being able to balance the time between your wife/kids and your own personal time. I can't play golf 5 times a week anymore or play video games for 5 hours a day like when I was in college and single; however, I do get plenty of "Me" time which is necessary to stay sane. The reality is most husbands/fathers adjust to having significantly less "Me" time in their lives. Truth be told, I'd much rather spend time playing and reading stories with my kid as opposed to watching football, etc.....With that being said, stay single as long as you can.

 

[Shutterbug]

There's a saying I have - It takes an entire family to create a healthy happy family and it only takes one person to ruin a family. No one wants to talk about it, but having kids is a crap shoot. There are some really great kids that come out of some rough circumstances. There are some fairly horrible children that come from the best homes and the best parents anyone can ask for in life. There is no real rhyme or reason for it. Some kids are good, some kids are bad. Sure you can do everything you can to try to raise a good child, but in the end, sometimes you just have no control over that. The child will respond or they just won't. Are you missing out? I don't know. I'd wager its better to be single than if you got married and married the wrong person. The ideal is to marry the right person, but there's nothing sane or simple about that. Some men are built for marriage and kids. Good for them if it makes them happy. Some men are not. Good for them too. I don't believe there is someone for everyone out there, and even if there is, sometimes you don't meet the right person at the right time in your life. I wouldn't worry about it. It will happen. Or it won't. Either way, you won't have much control over any of it except trying to live a good life for yourself and hope that one day it will expand into something else.

Gekko, I've got some thoughts that I'd enjoy your response to.It seems to me from reading posts related to a professional life, you're huge on personal responsibility. You seem to be the type of guy who will make sure he succeeds, and will make sure that what he does leads toward success in the business world. Also, that if someone has the requisite aptitude, that their success/failure is purely determined by their own refusal to fail. Is this fair of me to say? It seems, however, that when it comes to a personal life, you're 100% the opposite. This post is littered with blaming anyone but the subject for every problem. Your vitriol toward women is approaching legendary status around here, and I've seen you post the "some kids are bad eggs" a few different times. Well, you're absolutely right. Some kids are. Really though, most aren't. I've known a few bad eggs, and they all had one thing in common - a father who'd abdicated his responsibility as a dad, and probably said something like "some kids are bad eggs." Some kids resort to crime, some kids resort to drugs, and some decide that they won't ever let anyone else wrest control from their lives again. They then develop a maniacal drive to succeed professionally because if they develop close relationships with a wife or children, it is going to force them to feel strong emotions which they cannot do without bringing up past emotions revolving around family. Oftentimes they are completely unable to deal with these emotions, so they shut down, the people in their interpersonal lives realize they're un-responsive, and act accordingly. It makes sense - we all post from our own limited experience and world view. I'm sure your posts about women are true from your own experience, but everything you post from this experience has one thing in common - you. Were this a professional subject, I have little doubt you'd tell a young man that if he was willing to make the sacrifice to succeed in marriage and be fulfilled, that he could ensure that success in all but the most rare situations. Since it's a personal subject, however, you're blaming the kids, the woman, and anything else for the state of marriage and fatherhood.I don't like that. It rubs me the wrong way. While I full well realize that I cannot control what other people do, I believe that my own actions can influence how those closest to me will respond to me. I realize that in some cases there's nothing you can do - your wife is going to cheat, your kid is going to go to jail - but I refuse to accept no responsibility for the future of my family, and feel that throwing my hands up in the air and saying "there's nothing I can do" is short-sighted as well as a self-fulfilling prophecy. Instead, I'd rather work as hard as I can to grow as a man, be a good husband to my wife, and accept responsibility for the future of my family in exactly the same way I take responsibility for my future professionally. Maybe I'm simply young and naive, but I'd much rather grow into a man who accepts responsibility for all aspects of his life and proactively behaves in a way to acomplish his goals than one who does not.Perhaps I've overstepped the bounds of a message board with this post, and my intent is not to offend. I learn more from your posts about any professional subject more than anyone else here, bar none - I simply don't understand where you're coming from when you post about women, hence this wild guess of a post.

Very interesting. I am curious on the response you receive from GG.I believe people fail to realize that their actions often play a big part in how happy they are; instead they are busy placing blame on others.

 

[mr. furley]

 

[GroveDiesel]

 

[smotherhook]

there will never be another day like this after marriage esp after you have a child

 

[Otis]

Anyway, could I be this happy if I were single? I think so. Life is what you make of it. Don't waste time worrying about the color of the grass on the other side. Enjoy life as it comes.

BB bringing some heavy truth here. Great point, gb.

 

[Raider Nation]

I'm in the midst of a very lazy and uneventful Saturday and at some point today had the thought that I bet one day I'll look back longingly on days like today.I got up around 9:30 or 10 a.m. Whenever I had the urge. I could have stayed in bed, but I just wasn't tired anymore. Walked up the street to pick up breakfast (a large coffee and an egg white sandwich on whole grain). Came home, popped on the NFL network and some sportscenter, cruised the FFA some. Straightened up a little, packed some clothes for a trip out of town tomorrow, and sat back in front of the TV. At about 2pm decided it was time to hit the gym. Went downstairs to the gym in my building, ran a couple miles, lifted weights, then proceed up to the roof deck to get some sun and listen to my iPod. Hot as it is out there, there's actually a nice breeze up high, and it was quite relaxing. I'm just now about to jump in the shower and figure out what clothes to throw on before heading out to a bachelor party in Manhattan. All tolled, I won't have spoken to a soul until this evening, I'll have really had nothing pressing to do today, no appointments, no errands, and nobody to answer to.Is life after marriage really never, ever like this again?

Sounds like a boring day

I suspect you may be missing the point here.

As did you, it would seem.Read your OP again. Then read it again and again before you make a mistake.

 

[krista4]

Geez, this thread is weird. Afro Samurai has passed away, a bunch of the happily married guys in here are now divorced/separated, and Dentist and Otis are married.