I think I may be kinda racist. The following story has caused me to think about this topic pretty deeply. I'm going to be brutally honest, probably get flamed. But I would like to know if this is racist or not.
I was driving from AZ to Chicago, by myself a month ago. I got to St Louis on a Saturday night at about 9pm and decided to just keep on driving, getting home at about 1:30 am. I was low in gas so I looked up the nearest gas station on my phone and got off the freeway in St Louis off of 270 near the river, on the MO side.
I pulled into a small gas station with about 10 pumps and one of those old gas station buildings, very small. I got out and began to pump gas. Soon I noticed that all the other pumps were in use, lots of cars with 20 inch rims, loud music. Everyone else there was black. I looked like the most honky white guy, dark washed jeans, v neck purple t-shirt, sandals and a Titlest golf hat. It seemed like a very busy station, some of the other customers were talking to each other, very festive vibe. White people generally ignore each other in public, but these people at this station all just talked to one another about anything and everything. A guy pulled up to a pump directly across from me riding a 4 wheel ATV, no muffler, wearing Carharts and a white tank top. He hops off the ATV and looks at me and says 'I finally got the thing runnin!' I chuckled and congratulated him on the feat. A big, young lady down the row starts making fun of his ride and a couple young guys join in the ball busting. The ATV guy seemed to take it all in good fun.
I finished pumping the gas and went into the store because I needed to use the bathroom. It was clearly too small to have restrooms in there, but you know some of these older stations have an out building where you need a key to get in. I got in line, there were 15-20 people in line, buying food, smokes, lottery tickets and booze. As I'm standing in this cramped store, the only non-black person there, I started to feel very out of place. I very clearly was not from around there. An old man looked at me and smiled, said 'You passing through?' 'Yes. Driving across the country from the West up to Chicago.' 'Damn son, that's a long drive! You going all the way to Chicago tonight?' 'Trying to, yea.' He wishes me luck.
I started to feel guilty that my first thought upon entering the station was one of discomfort. They all seemed very nice, talking to each other and cracking jokes. Some kids didn't have enough money for the candy they wanted, and the old man pulls out a couple buck and just gives it to them. 2 younger guys were trading stories of the parties they were going to. A couple young ladies were talking about their clothing. Again, this level of random discourse isn't very common among the honky white people I meet in public.
I got up to the counter and the young man behind the counter says 'What can I get for you sir?' I said 'I just bought gas outside but really need a restroom.' He says 'Sorry, we don't have a public bathroom, but if you really have to go, you can use the employee bathroom back in the storage room.' He points to the back, through a door. I said 'Thanks man. I appreciate it.' I walk back there and the door to the bathroom is open. I closed the door and locked it and noticed that the door frame wasn't square and the door sticks a bit when you close it.
I do my business, wash my hands and go to open the door. It won't open. Immediately, I think 'This is a set up.' Then I remembered that the frame wasn't square, pull up on the handle, push hard and the door goes flying open. I stumble forward into the store and everyone is staring at me because it was a pretty abrupt push. I thanked the store clerk again, went back to the car and drive off.
No less than 3 times did I have a thought or feeling that I wasn't in a safe place. But every indication I got from the people themselves was that they were nice, happy, good natured and helpful. Even after all the positive interaction I had with the ATV guy, the old man, and the accommodating clerk, I still freaked out a bit when I thought I was stuck in the bathroom.
When I shared this story with a couple co workers, both white, they all said I wasn't racist, just that whenever you are out of your element, it's ok or even good to be on your guard. Maybe they were trying to make me feel better. Maybe we are all prejudiced. But it really bothered me that I reacted like that.
![[icon]](/data/avatars/m/5/5167.jpg?1660313464){kind=avatar}
