Shtick You Use in Real Life (2 Viewers)

[Ron Swanson]

Most people will generally take something if you hand it to them. So, I pass things off all the time when I'm given something I don't want like a receipt or if I have an empty cup or anything else I'm done with.  After 20 years of marriage, my wife only takes things from me about 50% of the time but when she does and realizes what has happened....oof...such anger...I think I almost had to have an empty beer bottle surgically removed last weekend.

 

[Good Posting Judge]

Most people will generally take something if you hand it to them. So, I pass things off all the time when I'm given something I don't want like a receipt or if I have an empty cup or anything else I'm done with.  After 20 years of marriage, my wife only takes things from me about 50% of the time but when she does and realizes what has happened....oof...such anger...I think I almost had to have an empty beer bottle surgically removed last weekend.

I posted something like this earlier, where you hand somebody a useful item, and then ask for it back 30 seconds later. Try it out!

 

[Good Posting Judge]

Remembered one from childhood.  Some of you may be old enough to remember when you bought pop in the 80’s it was actually in glass bottles.  It seems wherever we were hanging out when I was 13 or 14, we’d always be loaded with crap we just bought at some convenience store.  We’d be hanging out at a park or in some alley or something, and when someone finished their pop, I’d say “hey toss me that bottle”.  In mid air I’d start walking away and the bottle would hit the pavement and shatter.  Not sure why but I thought it was hilarious at the time. 

 

[shuke]

Most people will generally take something if you hand it to them. So, I pass things off all the time when I'm given something I don't want like a receipt or if I have an empty cup or anything else I'm done with.  After 20 years of marriage, my wife only takes things from me about 50% of the time but when she does and realizes what has happened....oof...such anger...I think I almost had to have an empty beer bottle surgically removed last weekend.

Love it.  I often do the “hey can you hold this for a second” bit when I’m done with a beer

 

[The General]

When I’m on the elevator and I see someone coming and the doors are shutting I act like I’m pressing the open door button and try and look surprised why it’s not working. 

 

[mr. furley]

I posted something in this thread, can’t remember if it was this or not but you made me think of it.

My wife or boys do one of those fake punches on my arm and I always rub the other arm. My wife haaaates it because I’ve been doing it since I met her in 1991. 

sort of a variation on the Corsican Brothers. i like it   

 

[Good Posting Judge]

This is the best thread on the board.

 

[urbanhack]

Remembered one from childhood.  Some of you may be old enough to remember when you bought pop in the 80’s it was actually in glass bottles.  It seems wherever we were hanging out when I was 13 or 14, we’d always be loaded with crap we just bought at some convenience store.  We’d be hanging out at a park or in some alley or something, and when someone finished their pop, I’d say “hey toss me that bottle”.  In mid air I’d start walking away and the bottle would hit the pavement and shatter.  Not sure why but I thought it was hilarious at the time. 

Remember the stretched out coke/pop bottles filled with colored water you'd get at the fair or other festivals?

 

[shuke]

Remember the stretched out coke/pop bottles filled with colored water you'd get at the fair or other festivals?

No

 

[NotSmart]

Remember the stretched out coke/pop bottles filled with colored water you'd get at the fair or other festivals?

Oh yeah.

Also the melted flat'ish pop bottles turned into spoon rests... or something.

 

[Tom Servo]

When I’m on the elevator and I see someone coming and the doors are shutting I act like I’m pressing the open door button and try and look surprised why it’s not working. 

The hotel I was staying at on our vacation earlier last month was kind of small. I'd make like I had to fart just to see my wife and sons cower in the corner in fear.

 

[arrow1]

When I’m on the elevator and I see someone coming and the doors are shutting I act like I’m pressing the open door button and try and look surprised why it’s not working. 

Love this.  I just stand there and let the door shut on them, and my wife looks at me WTF?  I just shrug..

 

[Hov34]

Anytime my family leaves their phones where I can get to them and they actually ring (which is not too often) I'll jump on it and answer - if I know it's a friend or relative I'll say "Sorry, she can't come to the phone now, she has diarrhea."  Same thing if it's a actual live telemarketer (not a robo call) for me or them.

 

[Dan Lambskin]

Remembered one from childhood.  Some of you may be old enough to remember when you bought pop in the 80’s it was actually in glass bottles.  It seems wherever we were hanging out when I was 13 or 14, we’d always be loaded with crap we just bought at some convenience store.  We’d be hanging out at a park or in some alley or something, and when someone finished their pop, I’d say “hey toss me that bottle”.  In mid air I’d start walking away and the bottle would hit the pavement and shatter.  Not sure why but I thought it was hilarious at the time. 

We used to go buy a case of the store brand pop cans (was only a couple bucks then) and shake them up and chuck them at the wall in the grocery store parking lot so they would explode

then we’d go return the blown up empties (some would damn near explode into 2 pieces) and buy whatever additional pop we could and blow those up and return them too

keep in mind there were no fancy bottle counting machines so I was just some dude that had to take out mangled, dripping cans and count them, repeatedly 

 

[Bruce Dickinson]

I love changing the profile names on my kids' Netflix accounts.  Drives them nuts.  

This has become a running gag at the house.  My daughter and I have been trading shots renaming the family Netflix profiles after characters in pop culture and literature.  It's great. 

The kid escalated the game recently when she got on my profile and 5-starred a bunch of Hallmark/Lifetime originals to mess with my profile recommendations.  It's a minor inconvenience, but I gave props for such a solid-yet-harmless prank.  

 

[STBootleg]

Remembered one from childhood.  Some of you may be old enough to remember when you bought pop in the 80’s it was actually in glass bottles.  It seems wherever we were hanging out when I was 13 or 14, we’d always be loaded with crap we just bought at some convenience store.  We’d be hanging out at a park or in some alley or something, and when someone finished their pop, I’d say “hey toss me that bottle”.  In mid air I’d start walking away and the bottle would hit the pavement and shatter.  Not sure why but I thought it was hilarious at the time. 

  I do this (not with bottles) whenever I'm with someone at a store and the person, usually my daughter picks up a football, bouncing ball or whatever type of ball it is and I'll say "throw it here", once they release it I'll just turn my back and walk away.

 

[Bruce Dickinson]

Remembered one from childhood.  Some of you may be old enough to remember when you bought pop in the 80’s it was actually in glass bottles.  It seems wherever we were hanging out when I was 13 or 14, we’d always be loaded with crap we just bought at some convenience store.  We’d be hanging out at a park or in some alley or something, and when someone finished their pop, I’d say “hey toss me that bottle”.  In mid air I’d start walking away and the bottle would hit the pavement and shatter.  Not sure why but I thought it was hilarious at the time. 

So good, I'm a little upset my 13-14-year-old self didn't think of it.  Was a huge fan of Letterman's "throw #### off the roof of a 6-story building and watch it smash" shtick at the time.  

 

[Ned]

This has become a running gag at the house.  My daughter and I have been trading shots renaming the family Netflix profiles after characters in pop culture and literature.  It's great.  The kid escalated the game recently when she got on my profile and 5-starred a bunch of Hallmark/Lifetime originals to mess with my profile recommendations.  It's a minor inconvenience, but I gave props for such a solid-yet-harmless prank.  

 love it.

My 9yr old upped the shtick on this a few weeks ago.  My oldest changed the youngest's name to 'poopybutt', but the 9yr old left it.  He instead changed his pic to some angry looking little girl.

Me: "whats up with your netflix pic?"

Youngest: "It looks just like Uncle Adam - he's a poopybutt too"  

Adam is my brother who always greets the boys with "hey there little girls"

 

 

[dgreen]

When you’re out with friends and one of them is leaving, when they get a decent distance away yell, “Hey, Joe, come here.” When they get all they way back to you say, “Bye.”

 

[ChiefD]

Adam is my brother who always greets the boys with "hey there little girls"

 

This right here is solid shtick for nephews and sons.  

 

[Wrigley]

This has become a running gag at the house.  My daughter and I have been trading shots renaming the family Netflix profiles after characters in pop culture and literature.  It's great.  The kid escalated the game recently when she got on my profile and 5-starred a bunch of Hallmark/Lifetime originals to mess with my profile recommendations.  It's a minor inconvenience, but I gave props for such a solid-yet-harmless prank.  

We “borrow” our Netflix from my crazy SIL.    I have been actively changing the pictures of her kids accounts for awhile now.....but that all changes tonight.   One of my nephews is about to like a whole bunch of rom-coms 

 

[mr. furley]

When you’re out with friends and one of them is leaving, when they get a decent distance away yell, “Hey, Joe, come here.” When they get all they way back to you say, “Bye.”

used to do this all the time in college to a friend of mine who was basically humorless

except I capped it with "stay black"

he wasn't black

he didn't think it was funny

 

[doowain]

We “borrow” our Netflix from my crazy SIL.    I have been actively changing the pictures of her kids accounts for awhile now.....but that all changes tonight.   One of my nephews is about to like a whole bunch of rom-coms 

Did this to my sister.  She has a crippling fear of clowns.  It's bad.  Real bad.

So, naturally, I logged into her account and filled her "My List" up with every single clown movie they had available.  It, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, etc.  Hell, I even threw in cartoon clowns.  Which also filled up her recommendations with all of the clown movies I missed.

She definitely knew it was me.

 

[Tom Servo]

Did this to my sister.  She has a crippling fear of clowns.  It's bad.  Real bad.

So, naturally, I logged into her account and filled her "My List" up with every single clown movie they had available.  It, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, etc.  Hell, I even threw in cartoon clowns.  Which also filled up her recommendations with all of the clown movies I missed.

She definitely knew it was me.

 

[Shaft41]

I'm a history teacher.  As much as I can, when I'm in the middle of a lecture and telling the kids about some specific instance in war or history, I will work in something like "Those of you who have been in an undefended foxhole in the jungle know that you should always...", or "Those of you who plan to grow up to be a mass-murdering dictator should remember that..." and then I'll just continue on talking about the event.  

 

[Tom Servo]

I'm a history teacher.  As much as I can, when I'm in the middle of a lecture and telling the kids about some specific instance in war or history, I will work in something like "Those of you who have been in an undefended foxhole in the jungle know that you should always...", or "Those of you who plan to grow up to be a mass-murdering dictator should remember that..." and then I'll just continue on talking about the event.  

applause dot gif

 

[Ned]

Did this to my sister.  She has a crippling fear of clowns.  It's bad.  Real bad.

So, naturally, I logged into her account and filled her "My List" up with every single clown movie they had available.  It, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, etc.  Hell, I even threw in cartoon clowns.  Which also filled up her recommendations with all of the clown movies I missed.

She definitely knew it was me.

You're a good brother.  

 

[Bob Loblaw]

Not sure if mentioned already, but...

When I'm returning stuff to Amazon, which is pretty much daily (thanks Wife), I like to put something in the return box that we don't need anymore.  Nothing gross or perishable, just junk.  Like an empty toilet paper roll, or a sock that lost its partner, or a broken shoestring, coupons from the mail.

 

[Bruce Dickinson]

We “borrow” our Netflix from my crazy SIL.    I have been actively changing the pictures of her kids accounts for awhile now.....but that all changes tonight.   One of my nephews is about to like a whole bunch of rom-coms 

Did this to my sister.  She has a crippling fear of clowns.  It's bad.  Real bad.

So, naturally, I logged into her account and filled her "My List" up with every single clown movie they had available.  It, Killer Klowns from Outer Space, etc.  Hell, I even threw in cartoon clowns.  Which also filled up her recommendations with all of the clown movies I missed.

She definitely knew it was me.

Best thread in FFA.

”Infiltrating the kid’s ‘My List’ “is how I will repay the favor of all those 5-starred Hallmark/Lifetime Originals.  Jean Claude Van Damme and Stephen Segal are about to become her favorite actors.

 

[arrow1]

Not sure if mentioned already, but...

When I'm returning stuff to Amazon, which is pretty much daily (thanks Wife), I like to put something in the return box that we don't need anymore.  Nothing gross or perishable, just junk.  Like an empty toilet paper roll, or a sock that lost its partner, or a broken shoestring, coupons from the mail.

This is awesome! 

 

[Good Posting Judge]

This has become a running gag at the house.  My daughter and I have been trading shots renaming the family Netflix profiles after characters in pop culture and literature.  It's great.  The kid escalated the game recently when she got on my profile and 5-starred a bunch of Hallmark/Lifetime originals to mess with my profile recommendations.  It's a minor inconvenience, but I gave props for such a solid-yet-harmless 

There is a sign in for my MIL on our homepage, somehow. Every Air Bud movie.

 

[Good Posting Judge]

When you’re out with friends and one of them is leaving, when they get a decent distance away yell, “Hey, Joe, come here.” When they get all they way back to you say, “Bye.”

Also a big fan of asking someone to explain something, and then promptly slamming a door in their face.

 

[Wrigley]

I use a tablet for all of my reading, and rarely ever pay for material(spare me the lecture)

So on occasion I'll have my father or a friends of the family ask me to help fill up their kindle/ereader.

I can easily throw 500 books on their reader in a couple of minutes, but I usually sprinkle in a couple over the top homo-erotic(not that there's anything wrong with it) books just to see if they are paying attention

 

[Beef Ravioli]

Not sure if mentioned already, but...

When I'm returning stuff to Amazon, which is pretty much daily (thanks Wife), I like to put something in the return box that we don't need anymore.  Nothing gross or perishable, just junk.  Like an empty toilet paper roll, or a sock that lost its partner, or a broken shoestring, coupons from the mail.

I can imagine you giggling at what you think the reaction of the person opening up the box is...? good stuff!! 

When I was about  14(1984), my buddy and I were prank calling our youth pastors house at about 2AM. We would let it ring long enough and hang up right before we figured he was getting ready to answer. We would wait another 20 to 30 minutes and do the same thing. The whole time we are   thinking he’s going nuts and that we are hilarious.

We found out on Sunday he was out of town on vacation.  Wasn’t that funny when we realized we were pranking an empty house all night. 

 

[Epic Problem]

I use a tablet for all of my reading, and rarely ever pay for material(spare me the lecture)

So on occasion I'll have my father or a friends of the family ask me to help fill up their kindle/ereader.

I can easily throw 500 books on their reader in a couple of minutes, but I usually sprinkle in a couple over the top homo-erotic(not that there's anything wrong with it) books just to see if they are paying attention

pm sent 

 

[Bruce Dickinson]

 love it.

My 9yr old upped the shtick on this a few weeks ago.  My oldest changed the youngest's name to 'poopybutt', but the 9yr old left it.  He instead changed his pic to some angry looking little girl.

Me: "whats up with your netflix pic?"

Youngest: "It looks just like Uncle Adam - he's a poopybutt too"  

Adam is my brother who always greets the boys with "hey there little girls"

 

In Youngest’s defense... based on the information we’ve got I believe the “Uncle Adam is a poopybutt” accusation.  

 

[AhrnCityPahnder]

So good, I'm a little upset my 13-14-year-old self didn't think of it.  Was a huge fan of Letterman's "throw #### off the roof of a 6-story building and watch it smash" shtick at the time.  

Hell yes.  We had a thing at work for several years running where everytime we had to work an all nighter (4 or 5 times a year) wed find the oldest PC in the building and throw it off the roof. 

 

[Tom Servo]

Also a big fan of asking someone to explain something, and then promptly slamming a door in their face.

My first boss was on the council of the small town he lived in. A fellow councilman called him up to harangue him about something. The boss hung up on him.

The guy called back. "WHY DID YOU HANG UP ON ME????"
Boss: Watch; I'm going to do it again. *click*

 

[Bruce Dickinson]

Hell yes.  We had a thing at work for several years running where everytime we had to work an all nighter (4 or 5 times a year) wed find the oldest PC in the building and throw it off the roof. 

 That’s what I’m talking about.

Back in the day, I might have been one-half of a pair who were asked by the office manager to dispose of that pile of used common office fluorescent light bulb tubes that had been replaced but maintenance forgot to take with them.  We might have gone up to the roof and thrown them down to the alley like two late-20th-Century Zeuses casting lightning bolts down upon the humans.  But I might have been out of town when that #### happened.

 

[Grahamburn]

Stud finder shtick every time I use one.  Hold it over my chest until it beeps, "Yup, this is calibrated properly." 

 

[whiskey7]

When I’m on the elevator and I see someone coming and the doors are shutting I act like I’m pressing the open door button and try and look surprised why it’s not working. 

The hotel I was staying at on our vacation earlier last month was kind of small. I'd make like I had to fart just to see my wife and sons cower in the corner in fear.

Love this.  I just stand there and let the door shut on them, and my wife looks at me WTF?  I just shrug..

Speaking of elevators, I have not used this one in a while but I was fond of (in a crowded elevator) turning to one of the people I was with and asking "Have the doctors been able to do anything about that rash?"

ETA: full disclosure, I jacked that from somewhere years ago. Movie or TV show or something. Used it a bunch over the years but cant take credit for the idea.

 

[AhrnCityPahnder]

 That’s what I’m talking about.

Back in the day, I might have been one-half of a pair who were asked by the office manager to dispose of that pile of used common office fluorescent light bulb tubes that had been replaced but maintenance forgot to take with them.  We might have gone up to the roof and thrown them down to the alley like two late-20th-Century Zeuses casting lightning bolts down upon the humans.  But I might have been out of town when that #### happened.

That satisfying vacuum-POOF when those bulb breaks must have added to the Zuesosity Awesomeness.  

Y'know, for whoever it was that was doing that. 

 

[Bruce Dickinson]

Speaking of elevators, I have not used this one in a while but I was fond of (in a crowded elevator) turning to one of the people I was with and asking "Have the doctors been able to do anything about that rash?"

A+ Shtick. 
There's no escape from the words, and now others are worried they're in an elevator with a potentially contagious skin condition.   

Not sure what's the better route on this - blindsiding someone in the group with that can crush them like LT coming off the edge to take down Theismann.  But when it's a two-hander where the respondent can riff on different treatments like "tried a prescription cream but it didn't clear up, now we're trying pills but they make me nauseous when I'm in tight spaces or move suddenly" it's really good, too.   

 

[Wrigley]

A+ Shtick. 
There's no escape from the words, and now others are worried they're in an elevator with a potentially contagious skin condition.   

Not sure what's the better route on this - blindsiding someone in the group with that can crush them like LT coming off the edge to take down Theismann.  But when it's a two-hander where the respondent can riff on different treatments like "tried a prescription cream but it didn't clear up, now we're trying pills but they make me nauseous when I'm in tight spaces or move suddenly" it's really good, too.   

Don’t they make an ointment for that?  

 

[ChiefD]

Speaking of elevators, I have not used this one in a while but I was fond of (in a crowded elevator) turning to one of the people I was with and asking "Have the doctors been able to do anything about that rash?"

Love when someone pulls this on me.  My retort:

"All good. By the way, thank your wife for giving it to me."

 

[gianmarco]

Someone from work whose number I have but don't regularly speak to outside of work sent me a text the other day. It said "hi". I knew it was obviously a mistake since she isn't someone with some grand sense of humor, so I just texted back "hi" and after a few minutes got the expected "oh sorry, that was meant for someone else".

Except I thought it was actually brilliant. So that day I started randomly texting some friends "hi" and nothing else. 

I started getting responses like "hey man, what's up?" or "Hey, did you need something?"

I didn't respond to any of them. But I laughed.

 

[(HULK)]

I need to upgrade my dad schtick.  My kids are 10 and 8 and getting past me saying "chicken butt" every time they say "guess what?"

I did getting them the other day when they were talking about our neighbor's new golden doodle puppy.  They know I want our next dog to be a poodle mix due to the anti-shedding stuff (I'm constantly fighting dog hair from our lab, it's outrageous).  Anyways, I told them that I'd been thinking about a Pekingese and Poodle mix and asked what they thought about that.  They immediate took the bait and said, "What's that called".  As deadpan as possible I said, "Oh, you know, that's a PeePoo."  They laughed for a good minute and then tried to come up with their own scatological dog mix breeds for maybe 20 minutes.

Anyways, bathroom humor is currently a homerun with them, so any related schtick appropriate for girls there age, I'd love to hear/steal it.

 

[dgreen]

I need to upgrade my dad schtick.  My kids are 10 and 8 and getting past me saying "chicken butt" every time they say "guess what?"

Sounds like no upgrade needed. Now that they are over it, it's the perfect time to ramp up your usage. The best schtick is schtick that they don't like.

 

[(HULK)]

Sounds like no upgrade needed. Now that they are over it, it's the perfect time to ramp up your usage. The best schtick is schtick that they don't like.

Valid point and a big bonus if they stop asking me "guess what?" over a bunch of ridiculous trivia I have zero interest in.

 

[Charlie Steiner]

Valid point and a big bonus if they stop asking me "guess what?" over a bunch of ridiculous trivia I have zero interest in.

Best part will be when they get to HS and you still use it, especially around their friends.