why your team sucks (1 Viewer)

[fatness]

Why your team sucks

List of all the teams is on the right side.

2012 Washington Redskins

This year's season tickets have pictures of current players on them, with their name and jersey number listed on the bottom. London Fletcher, team captain, heart and soul of the defense, pro bowler, etc, is listed as number 58. He's number 59.

Roy Helu, Jr., surprising rookie success last year, symbol that maybe we're no longer run by ####### morons like Vinny Cerrato who couldn't draft anyone of value past the first round even out of sheer luck, is misidentified as Robert Helu, Jr. There also weren't enough current players people would know, so Week 13 or so has Sammy Baugh. Not even 10 recognizable players. We ####### suck.

Danny boy had t-shirts made up for the Skins-Colts preseason game. 1. They are 35 dollars. For a t-shirt. 2. The shirt has pictures of Luck and RG3, below the words "QB Showdown Rivalry." How the #### is a preseason game, between two rookies, who never played each other in college, and two teams who are in different divisions, a "Showdown Rivalry?" The proceeds of these however are definitely going to a secret underground Thai ladyboy Hunger Games reenactment camp Dan Snyder owns and operates.

Our best player of the last decade was a tight end. Our fans are fat, dumb, drunk, and show up every year in 3XL Bruce Smith replica jerseys covered in old BBQ sauce stains and absurdly unrealistic expectations. Our stadium is a life-sucking, cement-laden shrine of mediocrity in middle-of-nowhere-bumstain, Maryland. Our owner is a greedy, egomaniacal ######## who will own the team for the rest of our lives. Half of our fanbase was legitimately convinced that Colt Brennan was the next Sonny Jurgensen. The last time we won our division, everyone was too busy having aneurysms about Y2K to notice. We get charged $20 to park at training camp on "Fan Appreciation Day". Our former general manager starred in the movie "Kindergarten Ninja" about a couple of druglords that try to take over a preschool. Danny Wuerffel. Heath Shuler. Tony Banks. Gus Frerotte. Jeff George. Jim FREAKING Zorn.

But hey, this RGIII character looks pretty good, doesn't he?

 

[mr roboto]

From the comments section in the Vikings piece...

Legitimate question here (crazy, I know):

How much of the playbook and gameplan do you ACTUALLY have to know? I mean, you just need to pay attention to down and distance, go out there and do your precision punting stuff, and maybe once every 5 years pull a fake punt and throw for a first down. Do you even bother with the x's and o's?

[Chris Kluwe]

Chris Kluwe 1 reply @coolisalloverme 11 days ago

I am required to know absolutely nothing in the playbook. As long as I can punt it reasonably close to where they want it, they will pay me. If I fail too many times, they cut me. Fun!

 

[Biabreakable]

From the comments section in the Vikings piece...

Legitimate question here (crazy, I know):

How much of the playbook and gameplan do you ACTUALLY have to know? I mean, you just need to pay attention to down and distance, go out there and do your precision punting stuff, and maybe once every 5 years pull a fake punt and throw for a first down. Do you even bother with the x's and o's?

[Chris Kluwe]

Chris Kluwe 1 reply @coolisalloverme 11 days ago

I am required to know absolutely nothing in the playbook. As long as I can punt it reasonably close to where they want it, they will pay me. If I fail too many times, they cut me. Fun!

So Kluwe has no clue about his role on a fake punt. That's pretty funny. They should try one this season since this is now common knowledge!

 

[two_dollars]

Always like reading these. Went right to my Chicago Bears critique, a lot of the ones sent in by fans had me laughing pretty good too.

Their offensive line couldn't stop a determined troop of girls scouts.

I remain convinced that the Bears never do anything to shore up their offensive line specifically because they want to see Cutler get sacked 90 times a season. He's like Jeff George made from distillate. Sack him enough times and he'll just openly quit. He'll bring an XBox out onto the field and start playing it. WHATEVER, PFFT. I BANG FAMOUS PEOPLE.

Part of me would like to see the NFL give each team five timeouts per half just so I could see how Lovie wastes them.

Soldier Field is a ####hole. The field turf looks like the aftermath of a hurricane. The Raiders have better turf and half of it is ####### sand.

and the best..

IS Jay Cutler really a CAT?

 

[Mr. Brownstone]

4. Remember how everyone thought the wheels would fall off MJD last season? Turns out we were just one season too early. If and when his holdout ever ends, Pocket Hercules will be summarily run into the ground by Mularkey. I don't wanna see that happen. It would break my heart. I'd much prefer it if he held out forever and was far away from Jacksonville when the rising ocean tides come to claim the city for good, flooding all the buildings and Fred Durst's recording studio and dragging it all back out to sea.

 

[Andy Dufresne]

This is absolutely true:

1. Nice Minnesota people are the worst kind of people. I grew up in Minnesota and I can tell you that the single greatest myth about Minnesotans—a myth STARTED by Minnesotans—is that Minnesotans are extraordinarily nice. It's complete bull####. Minnesotans are some of the fakest people ever to grace the surface of the Earth. Passive aggression is the default setting of virtually everyone living there. There's nothing genuine about these people. Their plastered-on smiles hide an inhuman thirst for cruelty. Living in Minnesota means living among five million Dolores Umbridges. They HATE people who aren't from Minnesota (particularly Vikings owner Zygi Wilf, supposedly because he's from New Jersey, but mostly because he's Jewish). If they could build a wall around the state and send out laser-equipped loons to protect their borders from anyone with a trace amounts of melanin, they would.

They phrase all put-downs in mother-in-lawese, like so: "That's a very nice dress for someone of your build." That's a Minnesota person being "nice." Catharsis is essentially illegal in that state. Most Minnesota people lie through their teeth 16 hours a day and repress all their anger and bitterness toward the world deep inside, until the day comes when they lace a carrot Jello salad with arsenic and sell it at a local elementary school auction. In a way, I'm glad that bat#### crazy Congresswoman Michele Bachmann has gained widespread notoriety, because that woman is the perfect example of what people from Minnesota are really like. There's nothing nice about them. They're awful people.

 

[Ignoratio Elenchi]

In a perfect world, [Randy] Moss plays the slot, runs way downfield on every play, and either catches a bomb or clears out enough space for receivers like Davis and Mario Manningham to catch 15-yard passes again and again. That's what his coaches jack off to at night. In reality, Moss ends up spitting on the help and expecting a moving walkway to escort him down the field. He's also old as balls now.

 

[fatness]

2012 Dallas Cowboys

Typical Cowboys offensive play last year: Situation- 3rd and 12 after two failed running plays where Felix Jones just sort of ran directly into the left tackle's ### and flopped to the ground. Team breaks the huddle. Wide receivers (at least one of which is just some parking valet they grabbed and threw a helmet on right before the game because both of Austin's hamstrings spontaneously exploded AGAIN while getting out of bed this morning) wander around the field aimlessly until Romo runs over and literally tells them where they are supposed to stand (No joke, this is an actual thing that happened in an NFL game. For reals.) Before he even gets back behind the center, the ball is snapped. He chases the ball 15 yards back and has to dodge and break tackles from no less than three completely unblocked defenders, because our O-line consists of Tyron Smith and four of those inflatable clown punching bags. Romo throws a perfect, laser-accurate pass while having his chest caved in between two linebackers. Dez makes an astonishing circus catch and goes 40 yards before being shoved out of bounds. He then promptly vanishes in a puff of smoke like ninja, and is not seen again for the rest of the game. Play is called back due to holding. Typical Cowboys fan reaction to the above play: ROMO IS THE WORST WE NEED A REAL QB LET'S TRADE FOR TEBOW HE JUST WINS GAMES

 

[Manster]

holy crap! i dam near pissed me pants reading the Cowboys and Skins ones!! good stuff.

 

[Tecumseh]

Awesome.

The Randy Lerner era was just like the movie Tommy Boy, that is if Tommy Boy was some horrible drama without a happy ending...In the Cleveland version, Big Tom Callahan still died and left the family business to his son, Tommy. Only, Tommy didn't care about the factory, the town, or the new brake pad division. He never had a Tony Robbins/chicken wings moment. Tommy just said "#### it" and gave control to Beverly and Paul (who bled the business dry), and then wasted all of his time on sailing.Ten years later, he finally sold out to Ray Zalinsky. The end.

 

[Hairy Snowman]

Of the Dolphins....

1. They just can't wait to ruin Ryan Tannehill. There's nothing more enjoyable than watching an NFL team draft a project quarterback, swear to keep that project QB tethered to the bench for at least a year, and then IMMEDIATELY throw out those plans before the season has even started. The Dolphins reached to draft Ryan Tannehill because they didn't have the ammo to move up and draft shovel-ready QBs like RG3 and Andrew Luck. It's like drafting in your fantasy league, realizing you need a wideout, watching all the good ones get selected in front of you, and then settling for Doug Baldwin (NOTE: I tried to use a Dolphins wideout for this analogy, unfortunately the Dolphins have no wideouts. Literally. I'm told they'll be using inflatable wideouts for the majority of this season). No one is EXCITED to draft Ryan Tannehill. Drafting Ryan Tannehill is something you do after drinking too much and intentionally doing something to hurt yourself. NFL Network Mike Mayock said Tannehill is "at least a year away from being a functional NFL quarterback." Oh goody. Sounds fantastic. NEVER DRAFT A WHITE QB JUST BECAUSE HE CAN RUN FAST.In an ideal situation, the Dolphins would let Tannehill ride the bench for a year and THEN let him go out and suck the way we all know he will. Instead, they've decided to stick him out there this season, with no one to throw to and no possible hope for success. NFL teams never seem to heed the lessons of David Carr. Time and again, they take a young passer and happily let opponents dismantle his psyche bit by bit. By the end of this season, Tannehill will be throwing passes with his eyes closed from the fetal position.

Wow. Can't say this isn't what I was thinking. He just takes it a little farther.....Haha

 

[Neofight]

Latest from Chris Kluwe on Deadspin.

I like it.

 

[Amused to Death]

For the Eagles (hits nail on head):

And to make matters worse, Lurie didn't even force Reid to fire the hated Juan Castillo in the offseason. Steve Spagnuolo was available. FOR WEEKS! He was standing out on the curb wearing a giant sign that said "QUALITY DEFENSIVE COACH FOR HIRE," and what did Andy Reid do? He went on VACATION. I swear to God, he went on ####### vacation before slobbing his way back to Eagles headquarters and deciding DURRRRR LET'S JUST KEEP THE O-LINE COACH IN CHARGE OF THE DEFENSE. This is criminal neglect of a football team. This is a team that will now go out and make the EXACT same mistakes it did a year ago, with Nnamdi Asomugha playing junior high roverback and the Eagles needing to exhaust all their timeouts before the opening kickoff. And do you know what the worst part is? I do ...

2. Analysts LOVE Andy Reid. They adore him. They can't get enough of him. They look at his career record, and they instantly fall in love. He's so steady! He really keeps an even keel! You listen to me, Troy Aikman: There is a difference between being levelheaded and being utterly lifeless. There is NO sense of urgency when Andy Reid is coaching this team. Mike Vick could be on fire, and Andy Reid would still walk to find the extinguisher. Analysts live in this alternate reality where Reid is one of the great coaches of the NFL and that reality is a LIE. Andy Reid is the worst.

 

[DoubleG]

2012 Dallas Cowboys

Typical Cowboys offensive play last year: Situation- 3rd and 12 after two failed running plays where Felix Jones just sort of ran directly into the left tackle's ### and flopped to the ground. Team breaks the huddle. Wide receivers (at least one of which is just some parking valet they grabbed and threw a helmet on right before the game because both of Austin's hamstrings spontaneously exploded AGAIN while getting out of bed this morning) wander around the field aimlessly until Romo runs over and literally tells them where they are supposed to stand (No joke, this is an actual thing that happened in an NFL game. For reals.) Before he even gets back behind the center, the ball is snapped. He chases the ball 15 yards back and has to dodge and break tackles from no less than three completely unblocked defenders, because our O-line consists of Tyron Smith and four of those inflatable clown punching bags. Romo throws a perfect, laser-accurate pass while having his chest caved in between two linebackers. Dez makes an astonishing circus catch and goes 40 yards before being shoved out of bounds. He then promptly vanishes in a puff of smoke like ninja, and is not seen again for the rest of the game. Play is called back due to holding. Typical Cowboys fan reaction to the above play: ROMO IS THE WORST WE NEED A REAL QB LET'S TRADE FOR TEBOW HE JUST WINS GAMES

oh God that's funny.

 

[Hipple Long Ware & Peete]

Chris kluwe is my new hero.hilarious

By Minnesota Vikings Punter Chris Kluwe: A RebuttalChris KluweSome people are fans of Deadspin's Why Your Team Sucks previews. But now the shoe's on the other foot! Suck on this, you ##########s.1. Drew Magary is a bloviating turkey ###. Let's face it, every time Drew Magary decides to post something it's an absolute guarantee that he'll spend four paragraphs self-indulgently masturbating his ego with how many multi-syllable words he can fit into one sentence while making hyperbolic statements that would shame Baron von Münchausen. We get it Drew, you got high honors from the University of Phoenix Online. Now shut the #### up so we can read something that doesn't take five hours to finish.2. The community of commentators gargles donkey ****. Every time I scroll down to the comments section of a Deadspin article I feel like I've just tuned into an episode of Sesame Street where The Count has suffered a debilitating stroke. "Plus one. Ha... ha... ha... Plus one. Ha... ha... ha... Plus one. " What the hell are you paint-huffing work dodgers counting up to anyways? The number of times you can cram a fistful of Cheetohs into your slobbering gullet as you furiously masturbate to My Little Brony porn? The chance that you'll die alone, sad and miserable, with only a legacy of failure and disgrace to mark all the perfectly good oxygen you wasted? Stop ####### counting. It's giving me the creeps. Oh, and just a heads up: None of your witty comments are remotely witty. In fact, every time you post, the corpse of Samuel Clemens spins in his grave and screams, "YOU BUNCH OF STUPID ####S ARE RUINING AMERICA."3. Half of these ####### articles are a complete waste of time. Like this. And this. And especially this. There's absolutely no reason I should be forced to slog through this mind-numbing pageview padding when all I want to do is read about Adrian Peterson's 15th rushing touchdown in a game, or how Christian Ponder just saved a convent full of nuns from dickzombies. You're supposed to be reporting about sports, not some TMZ-type garbage that would make Ryan Seacrest #### himself in embarassment. Just do your ####### job right every time—it's not that hard.4. That stupid as #### Kinja/u/o.i™ whatever-the-hell-it-is system just sent an entire African village into crippling drought and now they're all dead. I hope you #######s are happy.5. Hear it from Deadspin fans!From: Brian NearyTo: The StaffYour website sucks anymore. over the course of the last year, your website went from funny/sexy articles to just reaching for stories. I hate new york and I hate stars being ridonkulous but lets be honest carmelo anthony buying a portrait form an artist that he didnt commission but like the painting isnt that bad and really not story worthy. Get your #### togther...deadspin will be down the ####ter in three yearsFrom: dekleTo: The StaffHere's a tip:SHUT UPFrom: John J HillTo: The StaffGood Morning, I just wanted to let you know that every time you guys play, SPRINGSTEEN OR ROCKSTAR, I turn the station. These two songs are terrible and they are NOT even country. I know this will probably not do any good but I wish you would lose these two songs, they make me sick.Thanks, JohnThanks for tuning in. tl;dr—Go back to work you, lazy ####.Chris Kluwe is a punter for the Vikings. Follow him on Twitter, @ChrisWarcraft.

 

[Jules Winnfield]

About my Dolphins:

Every two seasons or so, Miami trades away some practice squad hustler or third string overachiever to the Jets or Pats for next to nothing, only to have that ####er gleefully shred our penises in a meat grinder. If OJ Simpson and Casey Anthony had a baby, that kid would be a more popular Floridian than Jeff Ireland.

I bought season tickets last year (sadist) and ever since then have enjoyed some of the many "benefits" offered to season ticket holders. My favorite is where we get random automated telephone calls to our cell phones to remind us about a teleconference with season ticketholders and... Brian Hartline?

 

[Billy Bats]

2. Analysts LOVE Andy Reid. They adore him. They can't get enough of him. They look at his career record, and they instantly fall in love. He's so steady! He really keeps an even keel! You listen to me, Troy Aikman: There is a difference between being levelheaded and being utterly lifeless. There is NO sense of urgency when Andy Reid is coaching this team. Mike Vick could be on fire, and Andy Reid would still walk to find the extinguisher. Analysts live in this alternate reality where Reid is one of the great coaches of the NFL and that reality is a LIE. Andy Reid is the worst.

He has the national media wrapped around his finger.

 

[bills025]

2012 Dallas Cowboys

Typical Cowboys offensive play last year: Situation- 3rd and 12 after two failed running plays where Felix Jones just sort of ran directly into the left tackle's ### and flopped to the ground. Team breaks the huddle. Wide receivers (at least one of which is just some parking valet they grabbed and threw a helmet on right before the game because both of Austin's hamstrings spontaneously exploded AGAIN while getting out of bed this morning) wander around the field aimlessly until Romo runs over and literally tells them where they are supposed to stand (No joke, this is an actual thing that happened in an NFL game. For reals.) Before he even gets back behind the center, the ball is snapped. He chases the ball 15 yards back and has to dodge and break tackles from no less than three completely unblocked defenders, because our O-line consists of Tyron Smith and four of those inflatable clown punching bags. Romo throws a perfect, laser-accurate pass while having his chest caved in between two linebackers. Dez makes an astonishing circus catch and goes 40 yards before being shoved out of bounds. He then promptly vanishes in a puff of smoke like ninja, and is not seen again for the rest of the game. Play is called back due to holding. Typical Cowboys fan reaction to the above play: ROMO IS THE WORST WE NEED A REAL QB LET'S TRADE FOR TEBOW HE JUST WINS GAMES

oh God that's funny.

All of my Cowboy fan friends are constantly #####ing about Romo.

 

[GroveDiesel]

The best moment they have had in the last decade was when Kevin Everett DIDN'T DIE in front of 70,000 people.

Oh man.

 

[Rooster]

About the Miami Dolphins:

To be honest, I'm puzzled as to why the Dolphins never come up in the regular discussions of teams who may move to Los Angeles. The city is made up entirely of retired Jets fans and coked-up, paranoid Exiles who are too busy blaming the thrown rods in their rusted-out Tercels on ####### Castro to bother with the game. What little remains of the fanbase lives in Broward and Palm Beach

This is the state of the Miami Dolphins in 2012. The stadium has had more names than Antonio Cromartie has had kids. Our GM is primarily known for asking a potential draft pick if his mother was a hooker. And somehow this little ginger ####—the man who took PAT ####### WHITE IN THE SECOND ROUND—gets the reputation from the drooling morons who make up our fanbase for being solid on draft day.

Our owner looks like a gargoyle with Down's syndrome, goes after coaches and players he wants with all the tact of a sledgehammer, and apparently thinks he's marketing to 12-year-old girls in 2003 with all of his celebrity owners.

I've noted on more than one occasion to fellow fans that Dave Wannstedt remains the most successful head coach of the Post-Johnson Era. And it isn't even really close. Someone should die for that.

And then there are the quarterbacks. I've lost count of how many we've had. I knew I had reached the low-point of fandom last year as I watched Chad Henne throw another pick and thought to myself, "I miss Jay Fiedler." Our new coach apparently thought he'd throw fans a bone by taking a quarterback in the First Round this year. This was a mistake. We have traditions here. When we want to reach on a quarterback and saddle ourselves with incompetence for another two years, we'll do it the right way — drafting him in the Second Round and making him sit behind an aging veteran whose shoulder is made of tissue paper.

Tannehill's a nice enough kid, but a kid whom anybody with an IQ above room temperature knows is just a yokel-assed Chad Henne with a hotter wife. The truth is that Philbin and whatever poor ******* follows him in 2014 can bring in anybody they want. It won't matter.

This team isn't going to have a franchise quarterback again until Marino's dead, which is why from here on out I'm anxiously awaiting the day Marino and Sharpe at long last push Esiason over the edge, and Esiason finally goes postal on live TV.

 

[fatness]

Steelers

Let's be honest: if you are from Pittsburgh there is only one reason to root for the Steelers: They are not the Pirates. Also, there is nothing to do in the area but be unemployed and/or drink, say jagov while butchering the English language. Oh, and the Amish.1. Big Ben aka Greytard: The guy is ALWAYS hurt. The reason: Because he doesn't throw the ####### ball. Oh sure, he hits a receiver with some autistic savant pass that should never be completed, but more often than not he gets sacked and the "pundits" decry the offensive line when it Ben's fault.2. Pass Defense: **** LeBeau is apparently a ####### legend and yet year after year QB's pick apart the secondary. I swear the guy has to be senile, as he looks clueless trying to decipher his drunken/Alzheimer's scribbles on the play card; he is the Bobby Bowden of Coordinators. The LBs go around the QB like they're rounding the Cape of Good Hope as Aaron Rodgers completes 200 percent of his passes. They didn't even lay a finger on him during the SB. Hell, I would have completed a few passes. Last year, Tim Tebow looked like he was truly blessed by the good Allah himself as his sorry ### looked like a HoFer.

Actual comment on yesterday's Pittsburgh Post-Gazette story about James Harrison's knee injury and the fact that basically every running back on the roster is hurt right now: "Is it just me or or what? I don't remember the Steelers of the Steel Curtain constantly crying about injuries, they just set their beer down and went in and hit someone while in practice, no whining, just plain rude, crude and very tough and if you didn't like it you could always have a friendly discussion with Mr. Lambert after practice. If its to rough for you try bad-mitten."I'm a Steelers fan. But we're insufferable #######s.

 

[netnalp]

Why Your Team Sucks 2012: New York Giants

 

[flapgreen]

So awesome.

 

[fatness]

Why Your Team Sucks 2012: New York Giants

The Giants are living proof of the NFL's hidden desire to become more like baseball, with a clearly defined caste system of have and have-nots. It still rankles me that this team got a free extra home game after Katrina struck New Orleans, and then all the ####### Giants fans turned around and shouted "I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR SWIMMIES!" at visiting New Orleans fans. What a bunch of pricks. The Giants and their fans think they're so ####### classy. Please. These people would throw iceballs at a baby.

 

[DoubleG]

Why Your Team Sucks 2012: New York Giants

The Giants are living proof of the NFL's hidden desire to become more like baseball, with a clearly defined caste system of have and have-nots. It still rankles me that this team got a free extra home game after Katrina struck New Orleans, and then all the ####### Giants fans turned around and shouted "I HOPE YOU HAVE YOUR SWIMMIES!" at visiting New Orleans fans. What a bunch of pricks. The Giants and their fans think they're so ####### classy. Please. These people would throw iceballs at a baby.

Ummm...the language filter missed a word.