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Wife Cheated -- Now what do I do? (1 Viewer)

3/4 affairs or one night stands?  Not that the subtlety there makes much of a difference, but it might help in some small way if it was a one night stand/drunk indiscretion kind of thing.  Also, if she has admitted to 3/4 the number is likely higher, but a lot, at least IMHO. 

I can't add much to what others have said. I'd be out the door and taking the kids with me. I wish you the BOL! 

 
Getzlaf15 said:
So you're cheating on her now by doing this. This "for kids sake" is total BS. You really need your own counseling. The best thing you can do for the kids long term is to get out of this environment.  She has a lot of issues and so do you. Until you fix your issues you are going to find the exact same woman.
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Really?  All I have done is chat a couple times.  Not even sexual talk.  Believe it or not, I am lonely for some female companionship.  If I ever do decide to meet someone, I will tell the wife.  Whatever.....

 
You are hurting and for that I am sorry.  After 19 years, I think I would try to work things out.  I'll be married 21 years tomorrow and honestly, just don't care about such things any longer.  If she wanted to be with somebody else, meh.  Most of us human animals aren't meant to me monogamous IMO.  Whatever your decision, I hope you find peace.

 
Best of luck, DTG... really sorry to hear about your situation.

fwiw- she already left you... a few times... so, I wouldn't feel as badly about ending this. brutal, though... all the way around.

 
St. Louis Bob said:
You are hurting and for that I am sorry.  After 19 years, I think I would try to work things out.  I'll be married 21 years tomorrow and honestly, just don't care about such things any longer.  If she wanted to be with somebody else, meh.  Most of us human animals aren't meant to me monogamous IMO.  Whatever your decision, I hope you find peace.
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:excited:     :hey: Heading to St. Louis tomorrow.   Wanna meet up for a beer?    And you should probably bring the wife. 

 
DartTeamGoalie said:
So I am mostly a lurker on here, and I know you don't know me, but I really am looking for advice.  I discovered in March that my wife had been unfaithful to me.  Long story short, she has been involved with four guys over the past 11 - 12 years.  Three were physical, and the fourth mostly emotional over email, although they did meet twice and kiss.  The letter I found to the most recent guy said that he was her true love and if they had met under different circumstances, she would have chose him over me.  She is now very remorseful and wants to reconcile.

I know what you are thinking.... drop her like a hot rock.  I mostly agree, but there is a complication.  We have two sons, aged 10 & 7, and they are both adopted.  As I am sure most any parent in my situation would, I have strong hesitations about ripping their lives apart.  But the fact that they are adopted makes it feel worse.  I feel like in essence we made a pledge to their birth mothers to provide them with a stable loving home as they grow up.  The fact that she had already been unfaithful once before we adopted infuriates me beyond words. 

So what say you?  I am prepared to stay for the benefit of the kids, but I don't think I want to.  We are going to counseling but quite honestly I can't ever see me truly wanting to be married to her again.  God help me.

I await your comments.  I don't mind schtick and smart ### comments, but I am not really in the mood for them.

Thanks.
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I was like why are you even asking until I got to the adoption part. Yeah that sucks and absolutely see the hesitation.  

I dunno.

Stay and put on an act in front of them? Hard thing. I feel for you.   

 
Co-parent the best you can. The 7 year old, that's tough. By the time age 10 or 11 rolls around, do what you need to do. But I would be clear that the marriage is over right now though.

 
DartTeamGoalie said:
Since this has come out she brought up some childhood sexual trauma.  No adults involved... sounded like curious kids experimenting from the little that she has told me.  Also, her home life sucked as a child, with her parents fighting all the time.  Also she says she feels like she was a different person then and doesn't know how she could have done such horrible things.

Mental issues at the root of this, or is she just saying this to try and cover her ###?
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So, she's passing the buck on her responsibility?  Maybe that helps her sleep at night, but she made the decision to do it each of the four times, and that is her responsibility.

That said, if you stay... open marriage imo.  She can't be faithful, so why force her to be something she isn't?

 
DartTeamGoalie said:
Really?  All I have done is chat a couple times.  Not even sexual talk.  Believe it or not, I am lonely for some female companionship.  If I ever do decide to meet someone, I will tell the wife.  Whatever.....
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So you are saying right here that you don't want to be married.  And when you tell her, you're essentially cheating, thus my original post.

You're kids are going to repeat yours and your wife's shaming behaviors later on in their lives unless you get help now and break the pattern.

The worst thing you can do for the kids is stay is a toxic relationship.

 
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Just get into cuckolding.  Win / win for everyone.  Odds are some of the dudes banging your wife are pretty cool, and you might have more in common with them than you think.

 
St. Louis Bob said:
You are hurting and for that I am sorry.  After 19 years, I think I would try to work things out.  I'll be married 21 years tomorrow and honestly, just don't care about such things any longer.  If she wanted to be with somebody else, meh.  Most of us human animals aren't meant to me monogamous IMO.  Whatever your decision, I hope you find peace.
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There's something I need to talk to you about, btw......

 
I think divorce is your only real option.  She isn't going to stop cheating.  And the number is almost certainly much higher than 3-4.  I know someone mentioned open marriage, but the problem with that is you're going to eventually find someone you like and she's not going to deal with the situation you're in for very long.  If you're the type of guy who's alright with a bunch of no emotion flings and able to avoid developing feelings for women then it could work.  But I doubt you are considering you're married.  Plus it only works if you're good at the dating game.

 
Wrighteous Ray said:
I can't remember if you've ever discussed your marriage in a different thread but I'd be interested in hearing about it.  I'm in a similar situation.  Well, "no longer care about" might be a little harsh, but there's no doubt in my mind I'd be divorced if we were child-free.
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I've talked about it here a few times.   I've felt the same exact way for at least 4 years now.  PM me if you want to get my take.  I don't want to sidetrack this thread.

 
DartTeamGoalie said:
Do I love her?  I have been trying to answer that.  Not in the way that I did for sure.  I let her hug me every morning before I leave for work (a concession I make because at one point her counselor wanted to admit her to psych center and I don't want that).  When she hugs me I feel nothing for her.  I guess I still love her in some "agape" way, but certainly not in an "eros" way.  I don't hate her, and she is still the mother of my kids. 
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...so I'd lean toward staying, particularly because of the kids.  Let the counseling play out and see what develops from that.  You don't have a strong love for her, but as you say, you don't hate her either.  I suspect a lot of married folk would say about the same thing.  My wife and I just reached 33 years.  The last few (as true empty nesters) have been very good, but most of the years were quite tough.  She just didn't enjoy the 'role' of wife or mom, though she was good with our two kids.  I wish I'd have gotten a hug each day ...she's extremely non-affectionate. Put you combined energies into the two kids and find your joy in them.  If things stay steady, then reassess when the kids are older and independent.  Maybe a small ember will still be burning ...maybe not.

 
If it were a single event that came about because of some situation like a girls trip to Vegas or similar. I wouldn't have any problem forgiving and forgetting, assuming we could make sure those situations were understood and avoided or could simply be experienced without the whoring because she's matured. However, it sounds like she's actually had affairs that were more than one night stands and she's even indicated, in the email you found, that her preferences lie elsewhere. While some here suggest staying for the kids, I suspect that that is what she was doing before you even knew there was a problem.

It's one thing for one person to pretend for the kids. It's probably harder for both of you to successfully and consistently put on a show (by show, I mean an example of a loving husband and wife relationship, for the kids to base their future relationships upon) that lasts any length of time. It's not to say it's impossible. Time can heal. I just think you need a no-#### discussion about this (probably aided by the counselor).

Divorces can be messy and painful for the kids too. Parents ruining their kids lives as they blindly strike out against their ex's happens.

Chances are she's a selfish person and may care more about herself than the kids, whether you stay together or not.

I'd definitely talk to a couple of lawyers to get a better feel for the consequences of divorce, financially, custody-wise, etc.

I have a couple ex-wives. Each one is different. I wish you well.

 
Copeman said:
Anymore, the norm seems to be split-home anyways.  The kids see this through their friends, I am sure.  Leave her, and do it asap.  The kids will be fine.
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This.  My biggest regret is not leaving my wife sooner (she didn't cheat on me, just not compatible).  I drug the kids through a lot of unhappy times by 'staying together for the kids'.  As others have said, kids are resilient and much better off being raised by parents that are happy rather than stuck together in an unhappy situation.   

 
DartTeamGoalie said:
So I am mostly a lurker on here, and I know you don't know me, but I really am looking for advice.  I discovered in March that my wife had been unfaithful to me.  Long story short, she has been involved with four guys over the past 11 - 12 years.  Three were physical, and the fourth mostly emotional over email, although they did meet twice and kiss.  The letter I found to the most recent guy said that he was her true love and if they had met under different circumstances, she would have chose him over me.  She is now very remorseful and wants to reconcile.

I know what you are thinking.... drop her like a hot rock.  I mostly agree, but there is a complication.  We have two sons, aged 10 & 7, and they are both adopted.  As I am sure most any parent in my situation would, I have strong hesitations about ripping their lives apart.  But the fact that they are adopted makes it feel worse.  I feel like in essence we made a pledge to their birth mothers to provide them with a stable loving home as they grow up.  The fact that she had already been unfaithful once before we adopted infuriates me beyond words. 

So what say you?  I am prepared to stay for the benefit of the kids, but I don't think I want to.  We are going to counseling but quite honestly I can't ever see me truly wanting to be married to her again.  God help me.

I await your comments.  I don't mind schtick and smart ### comments, but I am not really in the mood for them.

Thanks.
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i'd just wait 7 years.   Tell your wife she's a ####### whore and that you are now a free agent, but for the good of the children you'll stick around with the whore for a few more years.  Go find yourself a few girls to bang on the side and if you're slut wife ever shows interest, just bang her like a screen door.     Start hiding money.    At no point, ever, do  you trust your "wife" again.  She's a roommate with a drug habit, act accordingly.   Do not trust her with money, sex, love or children.   

This could be an opportunity for you if you play it right.      If you can't do this, then you need to kick her out of the house and serve her with divorce papers like, tomorrow.

 
Niles Standish said:
I think divorce is your only real option.  She isn't going to stop cheating.  And the number is almost certainly much higher than 3-4.  I know someone mentioned open marriage, but the problem with that is you're going to eventually find someone you like and she's not going to deal with the situation you're in for very long.  If you're the type of guy who's alright with a bunch of no emotion flings and able to avoid developing feelings for women then it could work.  But I doubt you are considering you're married.  Plus it only works if you're good at the dating game.
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So do you believe no one can overcome addiction/change behaviors? If there is an underlying cause of the cheating and that get's resolved, isn't it possible to stop that behavior? 

I am just surprised that there are quite a few people in this thread who have made this point, yet people who are alcoholics get sober and stay sober all the time. It requires hard work and a willingness to change the behavior, but it happens.

 
I am sorry to hear this.  I know personally that if my wife cheated on me that would be a deal-breaker and I could not trust her again.  I have kids as well, ages 10 and 12.  I wish you the best.

 
Are you well enough off financially where the two of you would be able to support two separate houses or at least a house for the kids and a good apartment for yourself?   Personally, do you value being divorced in terms of having relationships with other people?   I only ask these things b/c for me in my situation, having 2 houses would be tough so staying together allows us to have a nice house and I really don't care about having future relationships so getting divorced doesn't offer that benefit for me.    Just some things to consider.

 
Your oldest kid is 10, they'll both have at least another decade of their most formative years in either or both your and her care under more trusting normal circumstances. They'll adjust, and they'll be fine, normal people. Take care of yourself here and do what's best for you, which would seem to be going your own ways.

 
dhockster said:
So do you believe no one can overcome addiction/change behaviors? If there is an underlying cause of the cheating and that get's resolved, isn't it possible to stop that behavior? 

I am just surprised that there are quite a few people in this thread who have made this point, yet people who are alcoholics get sober and stay sober all the time. It requires hard work and a willingness to change the behavior, but it happens.
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She has been cheating for at least 12 years and never admitted anything.  OP had to find out himself.  She has been with at least 3-4 guys and in reality the number is probably much higher.  She fell in love with the last one.  When OP found out suddenly things are going to change?

People can change their behaviors/addictions but his wife hasn't shown any real want to change.  She just did what everyone does when they're caught doing something wrong.  She never admitted what she was doing or showed any attempt to change her behavior before.

 
NutterButter said:
Are you well enough off financially where the two of you would be able to support two separate houses or at least a house for the kids and a good apartment for yourself?   Personally, do you value being divorced in terms of having relationships with other people?   I only ask these things b/c for me in my situation, having 2 houses would be tough so staying together allows us to have a nice house and I really don't care about having future relationships so getting divorced doesn't offer that benefit for me.    Just some things to consider.
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I am an accountant, and she is a teacher.  We both could make it alone, but neither could afford the house we have now on one income.  So we both would have to move.  Another minus from the kids viewpoint...

 
DartTeamGoalie said:
They were both newborns.
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I am adopted.  I can tell you that I would rather my father be happy than be concerned with a promise that he made to my adopted mother.  Your kids will be fine.  You need to get out of this relationship for the kids.  If you are miserable you are not doing them any favors.

 
dhockster said:
So do you believe no one can overcome addiction/change behaviors? If there is an underlying cause of the cheating and that get's resolved, isn't it possible to stop that behavior? 
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I was thinking about this, too.  Was it a reaction to feeling stifled after the adoptions?  Maybe she has overcome it and feels remorse.  I see it as a positive that she has been willing to go through counseling.  

 
wilked said:
It was a decent attempt.  There are two main failings:

1. "I've been a lurker here for..." - better would have been "I am using a fake username as I don't want this to be connected with me".  

2. I found a letter - no one writes love letters anymore, or really for some time.  This was the fatal misstep

If it was Friday I would have let the whole thing slide.  The bit about adopted children was at least a point in your favor, but not enough to counter the above
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Yeah, even a lurker knows this is supposed to happen on a Friday 

 
Biggie said it best . . .

What do you do if your ##### is untrue?

You kick that hooker out and find someone new  . . . .

 
I would start visiting all of the best divorce attorneys in the area.  Maybe even extended area.  Schedule a visit with them and discuss your marriage situation.  By doing this it disqualifies them from being able to work with your wife.  

If you don't take this very seriously and protecting yourself you will be living in a shanty apartment watching other men raise your kids in a house you paid for.  Even if you think there is a chance you could save marriage, still take this precaution. 

GL

 
Stay with her and your kids for the time being.  Instead of dating, I think you should find yourself a hot hooker to bang. You aren't ready for an emotional relationship right now but you've earned being able to break a nut off with some strange. I'd get your wife to set up threesomes for you as a condition of staying together but that can wait for a little while, I'd target Labor Day weekend.

 
Baloney Sandwich said:
Stay with her and your kids for the time being.  Instead of dating, I think you should find yourself a hot hooker to bang. You aren't ready for an emotional relationship right now but you've earned being able to break a nut off with some strange. I'd get your wife to set up threesomes for you as a condition of staying together but that can wait for a little while, I'd target Labor Day weekend.
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This is a nice addendum to my advice.. spend your money on attorney, hookers and blow.. then profit

 
tone1oc said:
I would start visiting all of the best divorce attorneys in the area.  Maybe even extended area.  Schedule a visit with them and discuss your marriage situation.  By doing this it disqualifies them from being able to work with your wife.  

If you don't take this very seriously and protecting yourself you will be living in a shanty apartment watching other men raise your kids in a house you paid for.  Even if you think there is a chance you could save marriage, still take this precaution. 

GL




 
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Its likely she still gets half his #### plus a healthy alimony, plus big child support.  

 
Baloney Sandwich said:
Stay with her and your kids for the time being.  Instead of dating, I think you should find yourself a hot hooker to bang. You aren't ready for an emotional relationship right now but you've earned being able to break a nut off with some strange. I'd get your wife to set up threesomes for you as a condition of staying together but that can wait for a little while, I'd target Labor Day weekend.
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LOL.   Sad thing is I am really am not in the mood for a hooker right now.  Plus, it would xxxx me off that I was paying for what I should be getting from my loyal wife.

 
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