"I'm Done Making My Kid's Childhood Magical" (1 Viewer)

[gianmarco]

If our grandmothers and great-grandmothers could see the pressure modern mothers put on themselves, they'd think we were insane.

Since when does being a good mom mean you spend your days creating elaborate crafts for your children, making sure their rooms are decked-out Pottery Barn Ikea masterpieces worthy of children's magazines, and dressing them to the nines in trendy coordinated outfits?

I don't believe for a moment that mothers today love their kids any more than our great-grandmothers loved theirs. We just feel compelled to prove it through ridiculously expensive themed birthday parties that have do-it-yourself cupcake stations with 18 types of toppings and over-the-top gifts.

For a few years, I got caught up in the "Anything You Can Do I Can Do Better" parenting model, which mandates you scour Pinterest for the best ideas, execute them flawlessly, and then share the photo evidence with strangers and friends via blogs and Facebook posts.

Suddenly, it came to me: We do not need to make our children's childhood magical. Childhood is inherently magical, even when it isn't perfect. My childhood wasn't perfect and we weren't rich by any stretch of the imagination, but my birthdays were still happy because my friends came over. It wasn't about the party bags, perfect decorations, or any of that. We popped balloons, ran around in the backyard, and we had cake. Simple. But when I look back on those times, they were magical.

Christmas. With four of us kids and a limited income, my parents bought maybe two gifts per kid. There was no Elf on the Shelf all month long monitoring our activities and getting into photo-worthy trouble. No special Christmas jammies. Very few decorations, if any. We didn't even make cookies. What made that time of year simply ethereal for me as a child was huddling in one bed with my brothers thinking we could hear Santa's reindeer on the roof. It was so much fun to try to stay awake, giggle together, and just anticipate the next morning. It was magical. I did not feel as if I lacked for anything.

I don't have a single memory of doing a craft with my parents. Crafts were something I did in preschool and primary school. The only "crafts" I recall were the ones my mother created in her spare time. The hum of her sewing machine would often lull me to sleep as she turned scrap cloth into hair accessories to sell and hemmed our clothes.

At home we played. All the time. After school, we'd walk home from the bus stop, drop off our backpacks and my mom would push us out of the house. We ran around with the neighborhood kids until dinner. Times are different now and very few of us feel comfortable letting our kids wander, but even when we were inside, we played with our toys and video games. We made blanket forts. We watched TV. We slid down the stairs on pillows. Our parents were not responsible for entertaining us. If we dared to mutter those two words, "I'm bored," we would be handed a chore.

I look back on those times and smile. I can still recall what it felt like to have carefree fun.

My parents made sure we were warm and fed, and planned the occasional special activity for us (Friday night pizza was a tradition in my home), but when it came to the day-to-day, we were on our own to be kids. They rarely played with us. Apart from the random empty refrigerator box scrounged from the back of an electronics store, we weren't given toys outside of our birthdays and major holidays. Our parents were around in case we needed something or there was accident, but they were not our main source of entertainment.

Today, parents are being fed the idea that it benefits children to constantly be hand in hand, face to face, "What do you need my precious darling? How can I make your childhood amazing?" You can't walk through Pinterest without tripping over 100 Indoor Summer Craft Ideas, 200 Inside Activities for Winter, 600 Things To Do With Your Kids In The Summer. 14 Million Pose Ideas For Elf on The Shelf. 12 Billion Tooth Fairy Strategies. 400 Trillion Birthday Themes.

Parents do not make childhood magical. Abuse and gross neglect can mar it, of course, but for the average child, the magic is something inherent to the age. Seeing the world through innocent eyes is magical. Experiencing winter and playing in the snow as a 5-year-old is magical. Getting lost in your toys on the floor of your family room is magical. Collecting rocks and keeping them in your pockets is magical. Walking with a branch is magical.

It is not our responsibility to manufacture contrived memories on a daily basis.

None of this negates the importance of time spent as a family, but there is a huge difference between focusing on being together and focusing on the construction of an "activity." One feels forced and is based on a pre-determined goal, while the other is more natural and relaxed. The immense pressure that parents put on themselves to create ethereal experiences is tangible.

I've been told we went to Disneyland when I was 5. I have no memory of this, but I've seen the faded photographs. What I do remember from that age is the pirate Halloween costume I wore proudly, picking plums from the tree in front of my house, intentionally flooding the backyard garden to teach myself to skip rocks, and playing with my dog on my front stoop.

I have not one memory of the vacation that my parents probably saved for months for: the vacation that was most likely quite stressful. The "most magical place on Earth" in my childhood was not a theme park; it was my home, my bedroom, my backyard, my friends, my family, my books and my mind.

When we make life a grand production, our children become audience members and their appetite for entertainment grows. Are we creating a generation of people who cannot find the beauty in the mundane?

Do we want to teach our children that the magic of life is something that comes beautifully gift-wrapped -- or that magic is something you discover on your own?

Planning elaborate events, daily crafts, and expensive vacations isn't harmful for children. But if the desire to do so comes from a place of pressure or even a belief that the aforementioned are a necessary part of one's youth, it's time to reevaluate.

A childhood without Pinterest crafts can be magical. A childhood without a single vacation can be magical. The magic we speak of and so desperately want our children to taste isn't of our creation, and therefore is not ours to dole out as we please. It is discovered in quiet moments by a brook or under the slide at the park, and in the innocent laughter of a life just beginning.

We constantly hear that children these days don't get enough exercise. Perhaps the most underused of all of their muscles is the imagination, as we seek desperately to find a recipe for something that already exists.

It seems that the pendulum may finally be swinging back in the opposite direction of overbearing, helicopter parenting.

We have lots of parents here. How many of you feel like you have to "entertain" your kids? What do you see with other parents you know? It may just be me, but reading these thoughts put down on paper echo a lot of thoughts I have about today's kids and I really enjoyed reading it.

ETA -- Here's the link

 

[fantasycurse42]

"It seems that the pendulum may finally be swinging back in the opposite direction of overbearing, helicopter parenting."

Is this your tl;dr version?

 

[AcerFC]

I like making my kids happy. If doing something silly or "magical" does the trick, sign me up. That does not make me an overbearing parent.

She sounds pretty miserable to me

 

[Sabertooth]

I agree. It's crazy what some people do for their kids. But you know what, a lot of people are still self absorbed facebook addicts who don't do it for the kids, but for the "likes."

I know a lot of parents who don't do #### with their kids, no fund raising for school, never play a board game, don't help with homework, nothing. Is that better?

 

[Sabertooth]

I like making my kids happy. If doing something silly or "magical" does the trick, sign me up. That does not make me an overbearing parent.

She sounds pretty miserable to me

I think she's just looking for more time to spend with Katie.

 

[mr roboto]

Wife and I had a conversation about this the other day. We were asked by another parent if we had taken the kids to Disney yet. We said no, they are too young, we may go when they are older but we aren't sure we are gonna take them.

The way the mom reacted was that we must be negligent parents cause we don't feel a compulsion to drag them around a fairy tale park 1,500 miles away from us. Same thing at a play or recital. Parents elbowing one another to get a photo of precious Madysson or Carter in a shepherds outfit at a 4 year old christmas singalong.

I feel like parents are trying to produce sentimental memories (for themselves more than the kids). Your job as a parent is to raise good, smart, healthy adults. Many of these helicopter parents thrive on sentimentality and being needed and revered by their children. It's ultimately not about the kids development but about the parents self worth.

Also - where's the link?

 

[comfortably numb]

Can you link this?

I wanna share it to my 8 year old daughters facebook page

 

[mr roboto]

I like making my kids happy. If doing something silly or "magical" does the trick, sign me up. That does not make me an overbearing parent.

She sounds pretty miserable to me

No, that's great. But it's not the primary content of parenting. For many this is in fact the case.

 

[BeTheMatch]

But you know what, a lot of people are still self absorbed facebook addicts who don't do it for the kids, but for the "likes."

Early leader for Post of the Year.

 

[fantasycurse42]

Wife and I had a conversation about this the other day. We were asked by another parent if we had taken the kids to Disney yet. We said no, they are too young, we may go when they are older but we aren't sure we are gonna take them.

Anything under 5 is too young for a worthwhile Disney trip IMO. I'd think the 6-12 age range is prob perfect for that trip.

 

[Zow]

at the notion that parenting has substantially changed over the course of a generation or two and even more that things have gotten worse. There will always be good parents and there will always be bad parents. There will always be overbearing parents and neglectful parents.

Same as day one.

 

[Loan Sharks]

I played Hungry Hungry Hippos with my kids this weekend. For the record two out of three kids think I am "awesome".

 

[gianmarco]

Sorry, meant to link. It's included now.

 

[BobbyLayne]

I like making my kids happy. If doing something silly or "magical" does the trick, sign me up. That does not make me an overbearing parent.

She sounds pretty miserable to me

Read this a week or two ago and it did not resonate. I like writing memories for kids (performing arts events, vacations, day trips). I don't do it because I feel pressure. I'm teaching my kids to be joyful (or maybe it's vice versa). We do crafts; then again, so did my mom. Fostering creativity & decorating the home isn't a chore. We throw birthday parties. Now that's different, but I gotta be honest, it's fun - a blast for all the kids, and appreciated by our friends/parents. Some reciprocate, some don't, nobody is keeping score.

My kids have it easy on some levels, but I think a lot about their role in the family and community. They have chores, volunteer, and I don't care if you are the smallest girl in 1st grade, you carry your own stuff. You say please and thank you or you don't get the treat being offered. My h.s. junior has hobbies and wants spending money - get a j-o b.

As for the keeping up with the Jones bull####, that's your problem lady, not mine.

 

[bicycle_seat_sniffer]

just got back from orlando this weekend.

My wife does alot of this

 

[gianmarco]

Wife and I had a conversation about this the other day. We were asked by another parent if we had taken the kids to Disney yet. We said no, they are too young, we may go when they are older but we aren't sure we are gonna take them.

The way the mom reacted was that we must be negligent parents cause we don't feel a compulsion to drag them around a fairy tale park 1,500 miles away from us. Same thing at a play or recital. Parents elbowing one another to get a photo of precious Madysson or Carter in a shepherds outfit at a 4 year old christmas singalong.

I feel like parents are trying to produce sentimental memories (for themselves more than the kids). Your job as a parent is to raise good, smart, healthy adults. Many of these helicopter parents thrive on sentimentality and being beeded and revered by their children. It's ultimately not about the kids development but about the parents self worth.

Also - where's the link?

Exactly. I similarly had a conversation a few days ago about what we got our kids for Christmas. Our 9 year old got 2 gifts from us (Santa)--A basketball hoop for the driveway and a $10 slushie maker he saw on TV and had been asking about. She looked at me as if we were the worst parents ever by only getting him a couple gifts.

 

[Officer Pete Malloy]

Good advice

 

[BobbyLayne]

That came off a little cranky.

####### Lions.

 

[jb1020]

Wife and I had a conversation about this the other day. We were asked by another parent if we had taken the kids to Disney yet. We said no, they are too young, we may go when they are older but we aren't sure we are gonna take them.

Anything under 5 is too young for a worthwhile Disney trip IMO. I'd think the 6-12 age range is prob perfect for that trip.

that's debatable...just took my 4 and 2 yo and they had an absolute blast.

I had originally thought the same thing.

 

[CletiusMaximus]

Some of the sentiment hits home for me, although its something I've been well aware of for a few years now and an issue I've tried to address with my wife. The comment, "Our parents were not responsible for entertaining us" sums it up for me. My childhood memories are of my parents enjoying their lives, and bringing us along for the ride. In my life, and those of most all of my friends, our weekends, vacations and most all of our free time is dictated by our kids. One minor example - although I played sports most all of my youth, I'm pretty certain my parents never attended one single practice, and likely missed many of the games. I have friends who attend practices with their kids several days a week, year round. One friend has two boys, and has year round games every single weekend - many involving long drives and overnights. Summer for my kids is a constant barrage of activities, day camps, etc. - in each case something we researched, paid for and drove them to. We feel responsible for entertaining and stimulating our kids constantly. That's our job, not theirs. I hate it honestly, but don't see a good solution. Its just the way we live now.

 

[AcerFC]

Wife and I had a conversation about this the other day. We were asked by another parent if we had taken the kids to Disney yet. We said no, they are too young, we may go when they are older but we aren't sure we are gonna take them.

Anything under 5 is too young for a worthwhile Disney trip IMO. I'd think the 6-12 age range is prob perfect for that trip.

This is a ridiculous statement imo

 

[gianmarco]

Some of the sentiment hits home for me, although its something I've been well aware of for a few years now and an issue I've tried to address with my wife. The comment, "Our parents were not responsible for entertaining us" sums it up for me. My childhood memories are of my parents enjoying their lives, and bringing us along for the ride. In my life, and those of most all of my friends, our weekends, vacations and most all of our free time is dictated by our kids. One minor example - although I played sports most all of my youth, I'm pretty certain my parents never attended one single practice, and likely missed many of the games. I have friends who attend practices with their kids several days a week, year round. One friend has two boys, and has year round games every single weekend - many involving long drives and overnights. Summer for my kids is a constant barrage of activities, day camps, etc. - in each case something we researched, paid for and drove them to. We feel responsible for entertaining and stimulating our kids constantly. That's our job, not theirs. I hate it honestly, but don't see a good solution. Its just the way we live now.

100% this.

 

[chet]

at the notion that parenting has substantially changed over the course of a generation or two and even more that things have gotten worse. There will always be good parents and there will always be bad parents. There will always be overbearing parents and neglectful parents.

Same as day one.

This may be the most insightful post you've ever written on this board.

:golfclap:

 

[bicycle_seat_sniffer]

Wife and I had a conversation about this the other day. We were asked by another parent if we had taken the kids to Disney yet. We said no, they are too young, we may go when they are older but we aren't sure we are gonna take them.

The way the mom reacted was that we must be negligent parents cause we don't feel a compulsion to drag them around a fairy tale park 1,500 miles away from us. Same thing at a play or recital. Parents elbowing one another to get a photo of precious Madysson or Carter in a shepherds outfit at a 4 year old christmas singalong.

I feel like parents are trying to produce sentimental memories (for themselves more than the kids). Your job as a parent is to raise good, smart, healthy adults. Many of these helicopter parents thrive on sentimentality and being beeded and revered by their children. It's ultimately not about the kids development but about the parents self worth.

Also - where's the link?

Exactly. I similarly had a conversation a few days ago about what we got our kids for Christmas. Our 9 year old got 2 gifts from us (Santa)--A basketball hoop for the driveway and a $10 slushie maker he saw on TV and had been asking about. She looked at me as if we were the worst parents ever by only getting him a couple gifts.

yeah my wife was #####ing that santa didnt get our kids enough. Im like lady how many video games do they need???

 

[Thorn]

Some of the sentiment hits home for me, although its something I've been well aware of for a few years now and an issue I've tried to address with my wife. The comment, "Our parents were not responsible for entertaining us" sums it up for me. My childhood memories are of my parents enjoying their lives, and bringing us along for the ride. In my life, and those of most all of my friends, our weekends, vacations and most all of our free time is dictated by our kids. One minor example - although I played sports most all of my youth, I'm pretty certain my parents never attended one single practice, and likely missed many of the games. I have friends who attend practices with their kids several days a week, year round. One friend has two boys, and has year round games every single weekend - many involving long drives and overnights. Summer for my kids is a constant barrage of activities, day camps, etc. - in each case something we researched, paid for and drove them to. We feel responsible for entertaining and stimulating our kids constantly. That's our job, not theirs. I hate it honestly, but don't see a good solution. Its just the way we live now.

I remember when I started coaching Little League, the parents would drop kids off and ask what time they would be done. That was mid 90s. I remember the last few years I coached, say around 2005, there would be parents in the stands during the first practice and I would have the kids run a lap around the outfield then walk over and say - you've got two free hours, get out of here, take advantage. Worked the first couple times, but by the last year, it was 75% of the parents, and I think the peer pressure was too much. They wouldn't leave. Still amazes me. We talkin bout PRACTICE!

 

[iamsmilin]

I dunno. I'm split on the subject. I definitely want to make sure my kids have fun and enjoy just being kids. But that doesn't mean that I am in their faces 24/7 trying to stimulate them. We take them on vacations, play dates, etc. I don't care if they are too young to remember Disneyland, what matters is we all had fun while we were there. I'm involved in their school, but that is mainly because as a single mother and immigrant, my mother was working all the time and couldn't be involved when I was in school. I was always envious of the students whose mothers did show up and made it a priority to be there for my kids.

It's all about balance.

 

[chet]

I like spending time with my kids and do it of my own free will. Author sounds like a whiny #####.

 

[Meatwad Reloaded]

Parents should be working hard to make sure you kid turns out to be great in some way. To me, that means you have to pay attention to them and also have to be an a - whole sometimes.

Expensive parties and all that stuff are great if you can afford it, I will not begrudge parents for putting that together, but at some point a parent begins to focus on all of that extraneous activity (it is pretty exhausting to plan all that) while they are not actually focusing on the child's development. Kids are kids and are pretty much easily impressed by anything in the short term. Most little kids would just as happy with a trip to McDonalds as they would be with a trip to Disney.

 

[The Ref]

I agree. It's crazy what some people do for their kids. But you know what, a lot of people are still self absorbed facebook addicts who don't do it for the kids, but for the "likes."

I know a lot of parents who don't do #### with their kids, no fund raising for school, never play a board game, don't help with homework, nothing. Is that better?

Your points above are spot on. That said Im not spending one second with my daughter raising money for her school. They will get it from taxes or I'll cut a check to make up the difference if it's a reasonable user fee expected. The whole perpetual school fundraising concept just irks the hell out of me.

 

[Sabertooth]

I agree and I'm guilty too. Way too many activities. People live their kids' lives now. My wife gets pissed sometimes when I just want to ship the kids off to grandmas for a night alone. She says "you'd always ship them off every weekend" the reality is that they go to grandmas maybe once a quarter if that. And they only live 15 minutes from me.

There is a lot of pressure to live my life through my kids. I'm thinking of taking up karate classes just to free up a night or two a week.

 

[Brony]

facebook and Pinterest didn't create the problem, but they can exacerbate it for those who were worried about keeping up with the Jonses to begin with.

 

[Sabertooth]

at the notion that parenting has substantially changed over the course of a generation or two and even more that things have gotten worse. There will always be good parents and there will always be bad parents. There will always be overbearing parents and neglectful parents.

Same as day one.

This may be the most insightful post you've ever written on this board.

:golfclap:

I disagree. I think the internet and social media has changed it quite a bit.

 

[The Ref]

at the notion that parenting has substantially changed over the course of a generation or two and even more that things have gotten worse. There will always be good parents and there will always be bad parents. There will always be overbearing parents and neglectful parents.

Same as day one.

I'd like to think the above is true. There are still good parents out there. Hopefully I'm closer to being one of them then not.

 

[IvanKaramazov]

Some of the sentiment hits home for me, although its something I've been well aware of for a few years now and an issue I've tried to address with my wife. The comment, "Our parents were not responsible for entertaining us" sums it up for me. My childhood memories are of my parents enjoying their lives, and bringing us along for the ride. In my life, and those of most all of my friends, our weekends, vacations and most all of our free time is dictated by our kids. One minor example - although I played sports most all of my youth, I'm pretty certain my parents never attended one single practice, and likely missed many of the games. I have friends who attend practices with their kids several days a week, year round. One friend has two boys, and has year round games every single weekend - many involving long drives and overnights. Summer for my kids is a constant barrage of activities, day camps, etc. - in each case something we researched, paid for and drove them to. We feel responsible for entertaining and stimulating our kids constantly. That's our job, not theirs. I hate it honestly, but don't see a good solution. Its just the way we live now.

I have been amazed for years at the number of parents (and grandparents!) who essentially devote all their free time to their kids' sports teams. I'm talking highly-educated people who could cultivate any number of high-quality hobbies, but instead their lives consist of work and youth sports. Screw that.

 

[Brony]

I agree. It's crazy what some people do for their kids. But you know what, a lot of people are still self absorbed facebook addicts who don't do it for the kids, but for the "likes."

I know a lot of parents who don't do #### with their kids, no fund raising for school, never play a board game, don't help with homework, nothing. Is that better?

Your points above are spot on. That said Im not spending one second with my daughter raising money for her school. They will get it from taxes or I'll cut a check to make up the difference if it's a reasonable user fee expected. The whole perpetual school fundraising concept just irks the hell out of me.

So, I can't count on you for a box of Thin Mints this year then?

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

People are talking about different things in here, probably because the original piece was a bit of a mess.

Baking or buying a ridiculous birthday cake for your one-year-old's birthday party, so you can post it on facebook, seems stupid to me. Playing with your kids doesn't. The parents that make the giant cake aren't necessarily the same parents that play with their kids.

 

[BobbyLayne]

Some of the sentiment hits home for me, although its something I've been well aware of for a few years now and an issue I've tried to address with my wife. The comment, "Our parents were not responsible for entertaining us" sums it up for me. My childhood memories are of my parents enjoying their lives, and bringing us along for the ride. In my life, and those of most all of my friends, our weekends, vacations and most all of our free time is dictated by our kids. One minor example - although I played sports most all of my youth, I'm pretty certain my parents never attended one single practice, and likely missed many of the games. I have friends who attend practices with their kids several days a week, year round. One friend has two boys, and has year round games every single weekend - many involving long drives and overnights. Summer for my kids is a constant barrage of activities, day camps, etc. - in each case something we researched, paid for and drove them to. We feel responsible for entertaining and stimulating our kids constantly. That's our job, not theirs. I hate it honestly, but don't see a good solution. Its just the way we live now.

1967-1970 my parents took four major (for them) vacations - two to Las Vegas, one to Mexico, one to Europe. We got dumped with Aunts or Grandma. They used to throw a lot of pool parties, too. They had an eclectic and interesting group of friends. We were kind of aware our parents weren't like other parents - less supervision, lots of booze - but I can't say it bothered us. We spent summers at a lake cottage boating and swimming, snowmobiles in the winter. Hell, one year dad brought home an ice boat (3 skis and a big ### fan - neighbors hated how loud it was, that didn't last long). Anyway, they lived their lives, did a reasonably good job making sure we didn't get killed, and made sure we plenty of toys (dirt bikes, tanning bed for the girls, whatever). Around 1971 Disney World opened - the four of us kids were 15, 14, 12 and 9 - and our "family vacations" morphed from camping/RVing (their jaunts ended) to the need to be entertained. Went to Orlando first four years it was open (from Michigan). Used to be we had the family car (station wagon) and a fun car for them - Mustang, Corvette. Pretty soon the fun cars stopped, though dad did start driving pickups (he was an entrepreneur). We also left the little fresh water lake and became Lake Michigan boaters. Totally different vibe - instead of hanging around the lake catching turtles with our summer friends, we were at a marina every weekend, meeting spoiled rich kids, playing shuffleboard or mini-golf or taking the houseboat for a cruise. In other words, we stopped making our own fun, and our parents became entertainment directors.

They got divorced in 1974. Probably just a coincidence.

 

[BobbyLayne]

Some of the sentiment hits home for me, although its something I've been well aware of for a few years now and an issue I've tried to address with my wife. The comment, "Our parents were not responsible for entertaining us" sums it up for me. My childhood memories are of my parents enjoying their lives, and bringing us along for the ride. In my life, and those of most all of my friends, our weekends, vacations and most all of our free time is dictated by our kids. One minor example - although I played sports most all of my youth, I'm pretty certain my parents never attended one single practice, and likely missed many of the games. I have friends who attend practices with their kids several days a week, year round. One friend has two boys, and has year round games every single weekend - many involving long drives and overnights. Summer for my kids is a constant barrage of activities, day camps, etc. - in each case something we researched, paid for and drove them to. We feel responsible for entertaining and stimulating our kids constantly. That's our job, not theirs. I hate it honestly, but don't see a good solution. Its just the way we live now.

I have been amazed for years at the number of parents (and grandparents!) who essentially devote all their free time to their kids' sports teams. I'm talking highly-educated people who could cultivate any number of high-quality hobbies, but instead their lives consist of work and youth sports. Screw that.

3 words: Lax travel teams.

 

[The Ref]

I agree. It's crazy what some people do for their kids. But you know what, a lot of people are still self absorbed facebook addicts who don't do it for the kids, but for the "likes."

I know a lot of parents who don't do #### with their kids, no fund raising for school, never play a board game, don't help with homework, nothing. Is that better?

Your points above are spot on. That said Im not spending one second with my daughter raising money for her school. They will get it from taxes or I'll cut a check to make up the difference if it's a reasonable user fee expected. The whole perpetual school fundraising concept just irks the hell out of me.

So, I can't count on you for a box of Thin Mints this year then?

Yes you can, for two different reasons.

1. I'm fat

2. Girl Scouts are an outside organization

I'm referring to the monthly sales drives. The ones where the top 3 sellers in her classroom get a stuffed bear.

 

[thecatch]

at the notion that parenting has substantially changed over the course of a generation or two and even more that things have gotten worse. There will always be good parents and there will always be bad parents. There will always be overbearing parents and neglectful parents.

Same as day one.

I don't know about this last part. With social media I think the peer pressure/keeping up with the Joneses stuff has been cranked up a few levels. Now you aren't just tracking your neighbors or other families at school, but what your old friends from HS are doing with their kids. Maybe it is just that those prone to being overbearing are now feeling pressured to be even more so, but I do think that technology has had some effect.

 

[gianmarco]

Some of the sentiment hits home for me, although its something I've been well aware of for a few years now and an issue I've tried to address with my wife. The comment, "Our parents were not responsible for entertaining us" sums it up for me. My childhood memories are of my parents enjoying their lives, and bringing us along for the ride. In my life, and those of most all of my friends, our weekends, vacations and most all of our free time is dictated by our kids. One minor example - although I played sports most all of my youth, I'm pretty certain my parents never attended one single practice, and likely missed many of the games. I have friends who attend practices with their kids several days a week, year round. One friend has two boys, and has year round games every single weekend - many involving long drives and overnights. Summer for my kids is a constant barrage of activities, day camps, etc. - in each case something we researched, paid for and drove them to. We feel responsible for entertaining and stimulating our kids constantly. That's our job, not theirs. I hate it honestly, but don't see a good solution. Its just the way we live now.

I have been amazed for years at the number of parents (and grandparents!) who essentially devote all their free time to their kids' sports teams. I'm talking highly-educated people who could cultivate any number of high-quality hobbies, but instead their lives consist of work and youth sports. Screw that.

When I see how it is now with parents and practices, I think back of how it was when I was a kid and you'd think I was neglected. Somehow, without any cell phones, I was always able to link back up with my mother when my practices were over amongst a sea of cars and people, never once being abducted or getting harmed. In fact, I think I actually had to wait some times until she was able to show up.

 

[Sabertooth]

Some of the sentiment hits home for me, although its something I've been well aware of for a few years now and an issue I've tried to address with my wife. The comment, "Our parents were not responsible for entertaining us" sums it up for me. My childhood memories are of my parents enjoying their lives, and bringing us along for the ride. In my life, and those of most all of my friends, our weekends, vacations and most all of our free time is dictated by our kids. One minor example - although I played sports most all of my youth, I'm pretty certain my parents never attended one single practice, and likely missed many of the games. I have friends who attend practices with their kids several days a week, year round. One friend has two boys, and has year round games every single weekend - many involving long drives and overnights. Summer for my kids is a constant barrage of activities, day camps, etc. - in each case something we researched, paid for and drove them to. We feel responsible for entertaining and stimulating our kids constantly. That's our job, not theirs. I hate it honestly, but don't see a good solution. Its just the way we live now.

I have been amazed for years at the number of parents (and grandparents!) who essentially devote all their free time to their kids' sports teams. I'm talking highly-educated people who could cultivate any number of high-quality hobbies, but instead their lives consist of work and youth sports. Screw that.

I agree. And I think many resent the kids for it. I know one guy who I just spoke to who certainly does. A very respected business man I work with and his outside life is lived through his daughters. Not by his choice either but he feels like he has to do it.

 

[Dinsy Ejotuz]

I'm pretty sure that in seven seasons of baseball my parents didn't attend a single practice and there were lots of games no one was at either. When we were done I took 45 cents to the mechanics shop next door, spent 35 on a Mr. Pibb and 10 on a call for someone to come pick me up. Good times.

 

[BobbyLayne]

I agree and I'm guilty too. Way too many activities. People live their kids' lives now. My wife gets pissed sometimes when I just want to ship the kids off to grandmas for a night alone. She says "you'd always ship them off every weekend" the reality is that they go to grandmas maybe once a quarter if that. And they only live 15 minutes from me.

There is a lot of pressure to live my life through my kids. I'm thinking of taking up karate classes just to free up a night or two a week.

I think its good to have your own thing. My best buddy is into Brazilian Jlu JitSu, and his wife likes ballet. On the one hand it might seem silly, mid-30s and selfishly pursuing things they could have given up 20 years ago. They each get to do one thing that's just for them. That's healthy IMO.

 

[SWC]

brohans get your kids outside take them to a nature preserve and wade around in a river with them get them muddy have them chase frogs and catch lightnin bugs and bait a hook and catch a bluegill just do whatever you can to get them out of the basement and away from the atari just take my word for this they will grow up better people and it all it takes is you walking along with them and acting surprised when they find a clam shell in a lake or something hell by the time they are ten they will be laying face down on a pier looking over the edge at fish and you will be one hell of a parent take that to the bank brochachos

 

[AcerFC]

I think the sports thing has legs if the kids dont want to do it. I have two kids who love the travel sports they play. What should I be doing instead of taking them to, and watching them play their sport.

 

[Sabertooth]

Some of the sentiment hits home for me, although its something I've been well aware of for a few years now and an issue I've tried to address with my wife. The comment, "Our parents were not responsible for entertaining us" sums it up for me. My childhood memories are of my parents enjoying their lives, and bringing us along for the ride. In my life, and those of most all of my friends, our weekends, vacations and most all of our free time is dictated by our kids. One minor example - although I played sports most all of my youth, I'm pretty certain my parents never attended one single practice, and likely missed many of the games. I have friends who attend practices with their kids several days a week, year round. One friend has two boys, and has year round games every single weekend - many involving long drives and overnights. Summer for my kids is a constant barrage of activities, day camps, etc. - in each case something we researched, paid for and drove them to. We feel responsible for entertaining and stimulating our kids constantly. That's our job, not theirs. I hate it honestly, but don't see a good solution. Its just the way we live now.

1967-1970 my parents took four major (for them) vacations - two to Las Vegas, one to Mexico, one to Europe. We got dumped with Aunts or Grandma. They used to throw a lot of pool parties, too. They had an eclectic and interesting group of friends. We were kind of aware our parents weren't like other parents - less supervision, lots of booze - but I can't say it bothered us. We spent summers at a lake cottage boating and swimming, snowmobiles in the winter. Hell, one year dad brought home an ice boat (3 skis and a big ### fan - neighbors hated how loud it was, that didn't last long). Anyway, they lived their lives, did a reasonably good job making sure we didn't get killed, and made sure we plenty of toys (dirt bikes, tanning bed for the girls, whatever). Around 1971 Disney World opened - the four of us kids were 15, 14, 12 and 9 - and our "family vacations" morphed from camping/RVing (their jaunts ended) to the need to be entertained. Went to Orlando first four years it was open (from Michigan). Used to be we had the family car (station wagon) and a fun car for them - Mustang, Corvette. Pretty soon the fun cars stopped, though dad did start driving pickups (he was an entrepreneur). We also left the little fresh water lake and became Lake Michigan boaters. Totally different vibe - instead of hanging around the lake catching turtles with our summer friends, we were at a marina every weekend, meeting spoiled rich kids, playing shuffleboard or mini-golf or taking the houseboat for a cruise. In other words, we stopped making our own fun, and our parents became entertainment directors.

They got divorced in 1974. Probably just a coincidence.

Sounds like your childhood was ####### awesome.

 

[fatguyinalittlecoat]

brohans get your kids outside take them to a nature preserve and wade around in a river with them get them muddy have them chase frogs and catch lightnin bugs and bait a hook and catch a bluegill just do whatever you can to get them out of the basement and away from the atari just take my word for this they will grow up better people and it all it takes is you walking along with them and acting surprised when they find a clam shell in a lake or something hell by the time they are ten they will be laying face down on a pier looking over the edge at fish and you will be one hell of a parent take that to the bank brochachos

I would have gone with "take that to the river bank, brochachos."

 

[BobbyLayne]

I'm pretty sure that in seven seasons of baseball my parents didn't attend a single practice and there were lots of games no one was at either. When we were done I took 45 cents to the mechanics shop next door, spent 35 on a Mr. Pibb and 10 on a call for someone to come pick me up. Good times.

Whoa. Flashback. Do they still make this stuff?

Summers we'd be gone all day - in the lake or the woods. Might come home for lunch, might call to let mom know another kids mom was feeding us. We had to give her a general outline where we'd be but otherwise she just expected the older ones to look out for the younger ones. As did all the other moms.

 

[Sabertooth]

I think the sports thing has legs if the kids dont want to do it. I have two kids who love the travel sports they play. What should I be doing instead of taking them to, and watching them play their sport.

Do you resent them for it? Is it a financial hardship? It's your life. Do whatever you want but putting your kids on a pedestal and being their chauffeur can be a problem for them later on.