My girlfriend is close friends with her ex-boyfriend (1 Viewer)

[Buckfast 1]

how old are both of you?

Early 30's.

 

[SIDA!]

I've never looked at her phone to see what type of things she texts with her ex-boyfriend, but I would interested to see them and I could easily do so if I wanted without her knowing. But that just feels way too much like the type of thing that my crazy ex would do.

Do you think I should ask her tonight if I could see the texts from her ex-boyfriend, as that might put me more at ease about the nature of their relationship? She has asked to see emails from my ex, and I have showed them to her. If she resists, that is another thing that I think would make me walk.

I'm just kind of on the fence about whether I should ask to see the text messages. It's not something that I would normally do.

Do not ask for the texts.

 

[comfortably numb]

Sounds like they are still dating minus the whole sex thing....

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

It's the ongoing joint cell phone plan that really gets you in trouble.

She paid for her ex-boyfriend's cell phone plan for over a year after they broke up. Oh god, am I dating Woz?!? He repaid her by cleaning her bathrooms every month. While I got some slight enjoyment knowing that her ex was scrubbing my fecal matter from the inside the toilet bowl, I eventually told her that arrangment needed to stop, so she eventually cut him off of her plan.

Uhh..

 

[Idiot Boxer]

Are you the guy who's ex won second place in some online contest which was shrouded by shenanigans?

What's she up to these days?

 

[rockaction]

It's the ongoing joint cell phone plan that really gets you in trouble.

She paid for her ex-boyfriend's cell phone plan for over a year after they broke up. Oh god, am I dating Woz?!? He repaid her by cleaning her bathrooms every month. While I got some slight enjoyment knowing that her ex was scrubbing my fecal matter from the inside the toilet bowl, I eventually told her that arrangment needed to stop, so she eventually cut him off of her plan.

Uhh..

Yeah. That whole exchange is, um, well...

But good luck Buckfast 1!

 

[mozzy84]

I've never looked at her phone to see what type of things she texts with her ex-boyfriend, but I would interested to see them and I could easily do so if I wanted without her knowing. But that just feels way too much like the type of thing that my crazy ex would do.

Do you think I should ask her tonight if I could see the texts from her ex-boyfriend, as that might put me more at ease about the nature of their relationship? She has asked to see emails from my ex, and I have showed them to her. If she resists, that is another thing that I think would make me walk.

I'm just kind of on the fence about whether I should ask to see the text messages. It's not something that I would normally do.

Do not ask for the texts.

Agreed, I would looks at the texts without her knowing though

 

[Idiot Boxer]

Serious hypothetical...

Replace the ex with her gay male BFF, everything else remains the same.

Does the relationship still bother you?

 

[Notorious T.R.E.]

So, they're basically dating without (you hope) the secks. GLLL

 

[fantasycurse42]

Serious hypothetical...

Replace the ex with her gay male BFF, everything else remains the same.

Does the relationship still bother you?

Replace 28 dry aged Ribeye with Big Mac, does it still taste as good?

 

[Zow]

What's with this sharing a dog with the ex thing?

I haven't seen that yorkie since the day of the breakup. I didn't realize I could sue for joint custody or some visitation rights.

 

[Idiot Boxer]

Also, another question...

Subtracting out your concerns about her and the ex...

Are you getting everything out of the relationship that you need? Sexually, emotionally, intellectually?

If you're confident she's not having sex with him, and you are getting everything you need from the relationship - then what does it matter if she's at the dog park with him or doing pilates during the time you're apart?

Now, if you're not getting something you need from the relationship...that's a different story.

 

[gianmarco]

I really don't even have a problem if they want to grab lunch together on rare occasions. But I think that I should draw a line saying that I don't think it is appropriate for them to have dinner together

Wha??!?

How do you feel about breakfast? Midafternoon snacks? WTF does the type of meal matter here?

I feel like there is a difference between having a mid-day lunch at a restaurant and having dinner over at her place. I suppose it just seems less likely to lead to something inappropriate.

That really doesn't make sense. If they are close enough to have sex it's going to happen eventually, whether it's over lunch or over dinner. It's really just a product of frequency of contact.

There's 100% a difference between going to lunch with a girl vs dinner.

After dinner you get drinks, after drinks you go back to their place.

After lunch you typically go your separate ways #### right away.

FYP

 

[Idiot Boxer]

Serious hypothetical...

Replace the ex with her gay male BFF, everything else remains the same.

Does the relationship still bother you?

Replace 28 dry aged Ribeye with Big Mac, does it still taste as good?

I'm just trying to discern the real root of his problem with them hanging out. He says he isn't concerned about sexual infidelity.

 

[Zow]

It's the ongoing joint cell phone plan that really gets you in trouble.

She paid for her ex-boyfriend's cell phone plan for over a year after they broke up. Oh god, am I dating Woz?!? He repaid her by cleaning her bathrooms every month. While I got some slight enjoyment knowing that her ex was scrubbing my fecal matter from the inside the toilet bowl, I eventually told her that arrangment needed to stop, so she eventually cut him off of her plan.

you should be so lucky

 

[Kanil]

Also, I know I'm probably in the minority here but this girl seems like a keeper. You're sure she's not cheating, she's logical af, and she seems to care about how you feel in this situation. I'd honestly let her know exactly how you feel about the relationship including that you realize it may be stupid and cavemanish but that's how you feel. You'll get an answer from her and from the sounds of that text she seems open to solutions.

 

[eoMMan]

It would definitely be a red flag if a chick said she had joint custody of a dog with her ex. I love dogs but that's odd.

 

[Buckfast 1]

Can we look at this rationally without every ####### in here accusing someone of being a ##### or someone else insecure:

• They still enjoy being together
• They share secrets and ask each other for advice
• They still had a financial connection for a while after the breakup
• They still do a lot of activities together

Why did their relationship end? This is important...It has nothing to do with insecurities, it has to do with rationale thinking, which leads me to believe there is still some unfinished business here (and clearly the OP has his concerns too)... Just my

I'm not exactly sure about all of the details, but I know that it wasn't a particularly bad or hostile break up. I know that she was the one that broke up with him. I think that, after being together for 6 years, she just didn't feel like he was the one that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and decided to move on. She said that their relationship became pretty passionless and that they rarely had sex. Strangely, she's also mentioned that she thinks he was addicted to porn. I think part of the reason that she has stayed friends with him is because I think she kind of felt bad about breaking up with him for no other reason than just deciding that he wasn't the one for her after 6 years. I think he took the breakup pretty rough, and she tried to help and encourage him to get his life back together. Considering the circumstances of the breakup, I think it makes it even less likely that she would ever want to go back to him. Again, that has never been my concern with the ex-boyfriend stuff.

 

[gianmarco]

Is her ex No. 16? If so, you might actually be ok.

 

[Kanil]

She may not be sleeping with him, but he definitely wants to. No other reason for him to put in that time and effort.

Or they didn't have a nasty break up and just misses the damn dog?

They take the dog to dinner with them?

Denver is a pretty outdoorsy city. I wonder if they have cafes that allow you to dine with your dog outside?

Plenty of them. Everywhere.

 

[NCCommish]

I go out to lunch, and the occasional dinner, every few weeks with a very pretty young blonde. My wife is very aware of these outings. When we worked together she would call her my work wife. Also when we worked together we went out of town overnight on occasion, wife didn't freak out. We are friends. Therefore we confide in each other. I hear about her relationship problems she hears about mine. We give each other advice on various subjects. We text occasionally. We are not banging. We will not be banging. And my wife is secure enough in her trust of me to have no problem with it. Just like I have no problem with her 15 year friendship with a guy she worked with. Before she got ill they would even go on the occasional weekend trip together. I have good reason to be very confident no banging took place. Either you trust the person you are with or you don't. If you don't move on the relationship is already over.

 

[Zow]

I've never looked at her phone to see what type of things she texts with her ex-boyfriend, but I would interested to see them and I could easily do so if I wanted without her knowing. But that just feels way too much like the type of thing that my crazy ex would do.

Do you think I should ask her tonight if I could see the texts from her ex-boyfriend, as that might put me more at ease about the nature of their relationship? She has asked to see emails from my ex, and I have showed them to her. If she resists, that is another thing that I think would make me walk.

I'm just kind of on the fence about whether I should ask to see the text messages. It's not something that I would normally do.

Absolutely not.

 

[Idiot Boxer]

Are you the guy who's ex won second place in some online contest which was shrouded by shenanigans?

What's she up to these days?

Yeah, she's currently single in Denver. I wouldn't wish that burden on my worst enemy.

So set her up with the girlfriend's ex. Win-win

 

[Zow]

Can we look at this rationally without every ####### in here accusing someone of being a ##### or someone else insecure:

• They still enjoy being together
• They share secrets and ask each other for advice
• They still had a financial connection for a while after the breakup
• They still do a lot of activities together

Why did their relationship end? This is important...It has nothing to do with insecurities, it has to do with rationale thinking, which leads me to believe there is still some unfinished business here (and clearly the OP has his concerns too)... Just my

I'm not exactly sure about all of the details, but I know that it wasn't a particularly bad or hostile break up. I know that she was the one that broke up with him. I think that, after being together for 6 years, she just didn't feel like he was the one that she wanted to spend the rest of her life with and decided to move on. She said that their relationship became pretty passionless and that they rarely had sex. Strangely, she's also mentioned that she thinks he was addicted to porn. I think part of the reason that she has stayed friends with him is because I think she kind of felt bad about breaking up with him for no other reason than just deciding that he wasn't the one for her after 6 years. I think he took the breakup pretty rough, and she tried to help and encourage him to get his life back together. Considering the circumstances of the breakup, I think it makes it even less likely that she would ever want to go back to him. Again, that has never been my concern with the ex-boyfriend stuff.

If she really cared about this care she'd cut him off. He still inevitably wants to bang her. She's essentially just teasing/torturing him and he's an idiot for letting her do it.

 

[Buckfast 1]

Serious hypothetical...

Replace the ex with her gay male BFF, everything else remains the same.

Does the relationship still bother you?

No, the same relationship with her gay best friend wouldn't bother me. It's not like she spends an inordinate amount of time with him, but I just think the contact is more than what I think is appropriate for an ex-boyfriend.

 

[comfortably numb]

What if the lunch outings are to celebrate their anniversary?

 

[Idiot Boxer]

Serious hypothetical...

Replace the ex with her gay male BFF, everything else remains the same.

Does the relationship still bother you?

No, the same relationship with her gay best friend wouldn't bother me. It's not like she spends an inordinate amount of time with him, but I just think the contact is more than what I think is appropriate for an ex-boyfriend.

So it is your fear that there may be a rekindling of an emotional or physical relationship.

If you trust her and believe that she's not going back down that road, then this issue is all on you. Either get over it or move on.

 

[fantasycurse42]

You want to make him feel like a beta and show him who is boss!!

Invite him in for a 3way, let him rummage the box, let him think he is doing a good job, and then move him aside and jackhammer that #####, jackhammer that ##### like an alpha! He'll feel so insecure that'll be the last time she hears from him.

Report back.

 

[Ditka Butkus]

The ball is in your court. You probably already know what move you should make.

 

[McGarnicle]

I've never looked at her phone to see what type of things she texts with her ex-boyfriend, but I would interested to see them and I could easily do so if I wanted without her knowing. But that just feels way too much like the type of thing that my crazy ex would do.Do you think I should ask her tonight if I could see the texts from her ex-boyfriend, as that might put me more at ease about the nature of their relationship? She has asked to see emails from my ex, and I have showed them to her. If she resists, that is another thing that I think would make me walk.I'm just kind of on the fence about whether I should ask to see the text messages. It's not something that I would normally do.

Just tell her you're not comfortable with their relationship. Most people wouldn't be, and I think any expert on the subject would say it's not healthy for her to still be friends with the guy. If she can't break off contact, I don't see how you can stay with her and not keep getting more and more annoyed.

I can't emphasize how wrong this is.Asking someone to break off all contact is insane, controlling and she'd be smart to dump HIM.

Now, saying something like GM proposed, is fine. Suggesting contact be eased back, less phone calls/dinners/playdates with the dog at her house is one thing.

But to give an ultimatum of "No contact" is silly and childish.

Every relationship is a negotiation. If Buckfast doesn't feel comfortable with her still talking to the ex, he has the right to say so. She then has the right to say tough #### and end it. Neither side is being unreasonable. It's a question of what you can tolerate. I think it's really weird for them to still speak. The only exes I remained "friends" with, I either wanted another crack at a relationship or I wanted sex. Maybe others genuinely remain friends with exes and their SO's have no issue with it. Bravo. A lot of people wouldn't like it though.

 

[dparker713]

Seems like most people in the FFA have never had a female friend.

 

[ChiefD]

She may not be sleeping with him, but he definitely wants to. No other reason for him to put in that time and effort.

but they have the joint pooch

Sounds like they have a joint cooch too.

 

[comfortably numb]

Seems like most people in the FFA have never had a female friend.

Not one that I banged for 6 years, no.

 

[Baloney Sandwich]

Be prepared that if she agrees to limit contact that you are upping the level of your relationship. She is in her 30s and broke up with this guy because he "wasn't the one". She is obviously looking for a husband and I doubt you can get past this upcoming holiday season without ring conversations.

 

[NCCommish]

Seems like most people in the FFA have never had a female friend.

Many here seem to believe that is an impossibility.

 

[nirad3]

She may not be sleeping with him, but he definitely wants to. No other reason for him to put in that time and effort.

but they have the joint pooch

Sounds like they have a joint cooch too.

 

[Ditka Butkus]

Seems like most people in the FFA have never had a female friend.

Not one that I banged for 6 years, no.

Funny thing is I can only be friends with them after I bang them---before that all I want to do is bang them.

 

[NCCommish]

Seems like most people in the FFA have never had a female friend.

Not one that I banged for 6 years, no.

One of my exes that I remained friends with ended up becoming so close to my wife she thought of her as a sister. This is a woman I had sex with off and on starting when we were 15.

 

[rockaction]

Seems like most people in the FFA have never had a female friend.

Not one that I banged for 6 years, no.

Funny thing is I can only be friends with them after I bang them---before that all I want to do is bang them.

Heh. Join the club.

 

[Idiot Boxer]

Seems like most people in the FFA have never had a female friend.

Not one that I banged for 6 years, no.

I'd be less worried about the guy she banged for six years and decided he wasn't the one than the new guy in the office with whom she's spending extra time after work...

not that I'd really worry about either.

 

[Buckfast 1]

Also, another question...

Subtracting out your concerns about her and the ex...

Are you getting everything out of the relationship that you need? Sexually, emotionally, intellectually?

If you're confident she's not having sex with him, and you are getting everything you need from the relationship - then what does it matter if she's at the dog park with him or doing pilates during the time you're apart?

Now, if you're not getting something you need from the relationship...that's a different story.

I am generally really happy with the relationship overall. She's one of my favorite people that I've ever met in my life. We make a great couple and live an amazing life together.

The only real downside to the relationship is that I have hardly had any truly single time since my divorce from my ex. That issue has always kind of been in the back of my head throughout our relationship, but I kind of feel like I would probably just go out and be single for awhile and then realize that I preferred being with my current girlfriend. I actually recently discussed my desire to be single with my girlfriend, and she handled it pretty well saying that we could perhaps have a threesome sometime or have an Andrei Kirilenko-type arrangement where I could have sex with one other girl per year. I'm not sure how realistic those scenarios are, but it was a pretty cool response nonetheless.

 

[Zegras11]

sleep with his mom

 

[Ditka Butkus]

Seems like most people in the FFA have never had a female friend.

Not one that I banged for 6 years, no.

I'd be less worried about the guy she banged for six years and decided he wasn't the one than the new guy in the office with whom she's spending extra time after work...

not that I'd really worry about either.

Exactly

 

[Buckfast 1]

I've never looked at her phone to see what type of things she texts with her ex-boyfriend, but I would interested to see them and I could easily do so if I wanted without her knowing. But that just feels way too much like the type of thing that my crazy ex would do.

Do you think I should ask her tonight if I could see the texts from her ex-boyfriend, as that might put me more at ease about the nature of their relationship? She has asked to see emails from my ex, and I have showed them to her. If she resists, that is another thing that I think would make me walk.

I'm just kind of on the fence about whether I should ask to see the text messages. It's not something that I would normally do.

Absolutely not.

Alright, you guys have convinced me not to ask about the texts. I'm really not concerned that there would be anything inappropriate there anyways. I would just end up looking bad.

 

[Ditka Butkus]

Also, another question...

Subtracting out your concerns about her and the ex...

Are you getting everything out of the relationship that you need? Sexually, emotionally, intellectually?

If you're confident she's not having sex with him, and you are getting everything you need from the relationship - then what does it matter if she's at the dog park with him or doing pilates during the time you're apart?

Now, if you're not getting something you need from the relationship...that's a different story.

I am generally really happy with the relationship overall. She's one of my favorite people that I've ever met in my life. We make a great couple and live an amazing life together.

The only real downside to the relationship is that I have hardly had any truly single time since my divorce from my ex. That issue has always kind of been in the back of my head throughout our relationship, but I kind of feel like I would probably just go out and be single for awhile and then realize that I preferred being with my current girlfriend. I actually recently discussed my desire to be single with my girlfriend, and she handled it pretty well saying that we could perhaps have a threesome sometime or have an Andrei Kirilenko-type arrangement where I could have sex with one other girl per year. I'm not sure how realistic those scenarios are, but it was a pretty cool response nonetheless.

Ah---the rest of the story. Did your ex cheat on you?

 

[McGarnicle]

I had a female friend at work, we had lunch together almost every day for 2 years. Talked about everything in our lives, laughed our asses off together. I would've jumped at the chance to date her but it wasn't happening for a number of reasons. She eventually got serious with a guy, and they got engaged. We were still friendly at work but the lunches started becoming less and less frequent. I didn't think that was strange at the time, just a natural evolution.

 

[fantasycurse42]

Seems like most people in the FFA have never had a female friend.

Not one that I banged for 6 years, no.

I'd be less worried about the guy she banged for six years and decided he wasn't the one than the new guy in the office with whom she's spending extra time after work...not that I'd really worry about either.

Good lucking hetero male befriended your wife and they're spending a lot of time together wouldn't bother you?

 

[comfortably numb]

Also, another question...

Subtracting out your concerns about her and the ex...

Are you getting everything out of the relationship that you need? Sexually, emotionally, intellectually?

If you're confident she's not having sex with him, and you are getting everything you need from the relationship - then what does it matter if she's at the dog park with him or doing pilates during the time you're apart?

Now, if you're not getting something you need from the relationship...that's a different story.

I am generally really happy with the relationship overall. She's one of my favorite people that I've ever met in my life. We make a great couple and live an amazing life together.The only real downside to the relationship is that I have hardly had any truly single time since my divorce from my ex. That issue has always kind of been in the back of my head throughout our relationship, but I kind of feel like I would probably just go out and be single for awhile and then realize that I preferred being with my current girlfriend. I actually recently discussed my desire to be single with my girlfriend, and she handled it pretty well saying that we could perhaps have a threesome sometime or have an Andrei Kirilenko-type arrangement where I could have sex with one other girl per year. I'm not sure how realistic those scenarios are, but it was a pretty cool response nonetheless.

Lol

 

[Ditka Butkus]

Also, another question...

Subtracting out your concerns about her and the ex...

Are you getting everything out of the relationship that you need? Sexually, emotionally, intellectually?

If you're confident she's not having sex with him, and you are getting everything you need from the relationship - then what does it matter if she's at the dog park with him or doing pilates during the time you're apart?

Now, if you're not getting something you need from the relationship...that's a different story.

I am generally really happy with the relationship overall. She's one of my favorite people that I've ever met in my life. We make a great couple and live an amazing life together.

The only real downside to the relationship is that I have hardly had any truly single time since my divorce from my ex. That issue has always kind of been in the back of my head throughout our relationship, but I kind of feel like I would probably just go out and be single for awhile and then realize that I preferred being with my current girlfriend. I actually recently discussed my desire to be single with my girlfriend, and she handled it pretty well saying that we could perhaps have a threesome sometime or have an Andrei Kirilenko-type arrangement where I could have sex with one other girl per year. I'm not sure how realistic those scenarios are, but it was a pretty cool response nonetheless.

Ah---the rest of the story. Did your ex cheat on you?

No, the ex never cheated on me that I am aware of. She did try to kill me with deadly weapons a few times while falsely accusing me of cheating on her.

 

[rockaction]

I am generally really happy with the relationship overall. She's one of my favorite people that I've ever met in my life. We make a great couple and live an amazing life together.

The only real downside to the relationship is that I have hardly had any truly single time since my divorce from my ex. That issue has always kind of been in the back of my head throughout our relationship, but I kind of feel like I would probably just go out and be single for awhile and then realize that I preferred being with my current girlfriend. I actually recently discussed my desire to be single with my girlfriend, and she handled it pretty well saying that we could perhaps have a threesome sometime or have an Andrei Kirilenko-type arrangement where I could have sex with one other girl per year. I'm not sure how realistic those scenarios are, but it was a pretty cool response nonetheless.

As, Comfortably Numb said, lol. Uhh…you are such a millennial.

Regardless of that, guys on from divorce quickly. My brother married immediately. My cousin married immediately. Older women comment on it. For some reason, once a man has been married, marriage is always in the offing, and is beneficial. I wouldn't worry about being single if this is what you want.

On the other hand, I really can't relate to a monogamous relationship being peppered with offers of threesomes and potential hall pass cards. Just not my thing.