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My wife is really smart (5 Viewers)

I swear.. this is my last one... and seeing that Tremendous Upside is reading this right now, he's probably surprised I haven't told this one already... hopefully it will make up for the last one as I expect it to draw :crickets:

As I recently said in another thread, my best friend's BIL was staying with me as he wrapped up medical school for about a month preceding Christmas. Doctors have plenty of stories, but I'm going to assume this one was brought to me second hand as he recounted it.

A woman and her husband came into the hospital for their first prenatal check-up. The doctor went over everything he could think of and eventually asked if their were any other questions. Being a first time father and apparently not having much knowledge of sexual reproduction, the father asked if sexual intercourse was still going to be possible. Before the doctor could begin to ease his concern, the wife piped up, "Of course we can have sex. How else do you think the baby is going to eat?"

 
Mr. Know-It-All said:
My wife uses the term rather in place of either. Drives me nuts. Our oldest son has also picked up this misusage.Example -I would like rather cookies or ice cream.Petty, but it drives me nuts.
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This makes me want to beat your wife. This also makes it highly likely that Smoo will emerge from the shadows on this board.
 
jplvr said:
A woman and her husband came into the hospital for their first prenatal check-up. The doctor went over everything he could think of and eventually asked if their were any other questions. Being a first time father and apparently not having much knowledge of sexual reproduction, the father asked if sexual intercourse was still going to be possible. Before the doctor could begin to ease his concern, the wife piped up, "Of course we can have sex. How else do you think the baby is going to eat?"
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And if I were that husband, and that doctor even opened his mouth, I'd have stomped on his foot and told him that we'd appreciate if he could look it up and give us an answer in four or five months.
 
jplvr said:
General Malaise said:
jeep is winning the innernet tonight. funny funny stuff.
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Thanks GB. That car tag story is my favorite story of all time.This one isn't "as great," but Mom provided another one recently...We watch Family Feud most days at work, during lunch. I don't know why, but I'm damn good at it if we ever get our application approved. Anyway, there was an episode one day where they recapped serveral surveys where a sexual connotation was an answer to the question. There was one I can't remember, mabye 2, but they announced the question for the next one, "Strange things people eat." A nice looking black lady answered, "Genitals," and sure enough, "Ding-a-lings" turned over on the board with that familiar "DING" everyone recognizes from the show. Well, the last example popped up, but they threw a curveball our way. They didn't announce the question, but showed a board with one answer left to be revealed. I can't remember all the answers on the board, but the ones I remeber and the first 3 on the board already revealed were: 1) Elevator 2) Hot Air Balloon 3) Steam. I think there might have been a 2 or 3 more already revealed, but after a slight pause, DING... "Mr. Happy" was revealed to round out the answers. 30 seconds or so passed as the most recent Depends commerical played, or possibly even a diabetes ad... who knows? All of the sudden, my mom looks at me, extremely perplexed, "Things that go up?" I burst out into laughter... her, realizing what just happened, turned red as a beet and starts laughing as well. I really don't know if this translates as well as the other story or stories I've told, but it was BY FAR the hardest I laughed for an extended period of time in my entire life. It got quiet a couple of times, but someone would snort or give out a muffled giggle, and full blown laughter would erupt again.For the record, my mom has her masters. She also, while holding down a 6 figure job as a business owner, decided she wanted to become a full fledged paramedic as a hobby... she was also on the city council of our city at this same exact time as well. She's a pretty smart lady, but can be as ditzy as any of them.
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Well, I am officially stumped. What was the question? Was that ever determined?
 
ThaPenguin said:
jplvr said:
General Malaise said:
jeep is winning the innernet tonight. funny funny stuff.
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Thanks GB. That car tag story is my favorite story of all time.This one isn't "as great," but Mom provided another one recently...We watch Family Feud most days at work, during lunch. I don't know why, but I'm damn good at it if we ever get our application approved. Anyway, there was an episode one day where they recapped serveral surveys where a sexual connotation was an answer to the question. There was one I can't remember, mabye 2, but they announced the question for the next one, "Strange things people eat." A nice looking black lady answered, "Genitals," and sure enough, "Ding-a-lings" turned over on the board with that familiar "DING" everyone recognizes from the show. Well, the last example popped up, but they threw a curveball our way. They didn't announce the question, but showed a board with one answer left to be revealed. I can't remember all the answers on the board, but the ones I remeber and the first 3 on the board already revealed were: 1) Elevator 2) Hot Air Balloon 3) Steam. I think there might have been a 2 or 3 more already revealed, but after a slight pause, DING... "Mr. Happy" was revealed to round out the answers. 30 seconds or so passed as the most recent Depends commerical played, or possibly even a diabetes ad... who knows? All of the sudden, my mom looks at me, extremely perplexed, "Things that go up?" I burst out into laughter... her, realizing what just happened, turned red as a beet and starts laughing as well. I really don't know if this translates as well as the other story or stories I've told, but it was BY FAR the hardest I laughed for an extended period of time in my entire life. It got quiet a couple of times, but someone would snort or give out a muffled giggle, and full blown laughter would erupt again.For the record, my mom has her masters. She also, while holding down a 6 figure job as a business owner, decided she wanted to become a full fledged paramedic as a hobby... she was also on the city council of our city at this same exact time as well. She's a pretty smart lady, but can be as ditzy as any of them.
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Well, I am officially stumped. What was the question? Was that ever determined?
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I'm assuming she got the answer correct. It was never revealed. Just the long pause and her confusion in finally coming to the conclusion was pretty funny... to me anyway. I mean, we don't regularly discuss the male anatomy, at least not at lunch.
 
bostonfred said:
Watching the game the other day, she asks me, "Why is that guy holding up a D and a fence? Never mind. I answered my own question".

Tonight, I walk in on her using her computer. She's searching for amazon.com on Google.
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I was at a Carolina Panthers game once and the lady in front of us asked her husband what D-Gate meant. Absolutely true. :goodposting: :goodposting:
 
jplvr said:
I've probably told this story before on here, but my mother loved that old TV show where contestants guessed the meaning of fake vanity plates. Every time I would be in the car with her, she would fret about one she couldn't figure out until she either figured it out or found something else to focus on.So one day, later in life, I'm riding in the car with my mom as we stop at a traffic light. Immediately I saw the car tag in front of us and started to think, "Oh no. Please, God... don't let her see this car tag. If you are really out there, you will grant me this wish." Maybe part of the reason I don't believe he is out there is because of this experience, but eventually, what seemed like minutes of prayer ended with my mother's guess at this vanity plate (2DX4ME). "DIXIE FOR ME!!!! DIXIE FOR ME!!!" my mother exclaimed as she bobbed up and down in her car seat with her arms in the air like she was raising the roof. My head was now buried in my hands and my face was the color of a tomato saying under my breath, "Please make it stop, please make it stop," but she continued screaming that over and over. Eventually she got pissed off at me for not participating in the celebration saying, "What?... DIXIE FOR ME!!!! That's what it is. I know it." Knowing this will never end, I finally came up with a response: "Mother, that ain't 'dixie.'" She stared ahead with me still cringing from the experience, "Oh... OHHHHH... dear lord... who would put that on a car tag?" I just shrugged, and we finished the car ride in silence, luckily not far.
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:goodposting: :lmao: holy moly :cry: :goodposting:
 
About 11 hours into the 14 hour drive back from my in-laws, we passed a horse farm in Oklahoma.

I guess that got my wife thinking about horse racing because after a few minutes go by in silence, she asks me....

What state is the Kentucky Derby ran in?

It was all I could do to keep the car on the road I was laughing so hard.

 
I once dated a girl with a British accent. Half way through an Agatha Christie film she turns to me and says loudly "Oh this is so silly! You just KNOW who's going to die!"

God I miss her.

 
This happened last night...

CNN shows celebrities that died in 2009 and Farrah Fawcett is on. I say "lots of famous people died this year, but not really many movie actors". Wife: "ummm, Farrah Fawcett!!". Me: "huh? what movies was she in?". Wife: "OMG, 17, are you kidding me?!? HELLO?!?? 10!!!"

:thumbup:

 
17seconds said:
This happened last night...CNN shows celebrities that died in 2009 and Farrah Fawcett is on. I say "lots of famous people died this year, but not really many movie actors". Wife: "ummm, Farrah Fawcett!!". Me: "huh? what movies was she in?". Wife: "OMG, 17, are you kidding me?!? HELLO?!?? 10!!!" :thumbup:
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she had some nice pencil erasers in "Extremities"
 
bostonfred said:
Playing Taboo with another couple. My wife gives the clue "She's a famous volleyball player". Her best friend just stares at her, and says, you know a famous volleyball player? Wait... Mia Hamm. How am I supposed to compete with that?
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I have a strikingly similar one. My girlfriend and I are playing Taboo with my sister and her husband. We hang out regularly, and my sister and gf are pretty close. We often are shocked by the strange and bizarre clues they give each other to guess the correct word (the object of Taboo, if you're not familiar with the game). We always play battle of the sexes-style, and because of this uncanny similarity of thinking, this weird wavelength both of them share, we lose more than we probably should. The brother and law and I are both pretty sharp, but we generally get caught up in using obscure synonyms and our extensive vocabulary rather than the kind quick, weird things they use to coax out the right answer.It's the girl's turn, and my sister is giving the clues.Sister:BostonNew York...uh...North Carolina, uh...Girlfriend:Pacific Ocean!Ding Ding Ding!I still can't get over it.
 
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I forget which SB we're watching, but the QB flips open his playcard on his wrist in the huddle. My sister goes "what's he need that huge watch for?" :mellow:

 
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I like my mother-in-law very much, she is pretty funny but she gets wound up fairly easily. During Thanksgiving Day meal prep, I nudge my then wife-to-be and point out that she is meticulously washing the eggs (out of the fridge and still in the shell). Wifey asks her mom why she is washing the eggs and she says, "Barbara, don't you know where these come from???"

Good times.

 
My mother-in-law (RIP) thought that Mount Rushmore is a natural phenomenon. Erosion made it look like those faces are there.

 
I've got one...like everyone else here, Mrs. TF is a very smart lady, just lacks some common sense sometime.

We were in subway the other day, and I brought the sandwiches back to the table while Mrs. TF was supposed to get us the diet cokes. She comes back to the table with two empty cups and says, "I need to go back in a few, they are changing the syrup on the Coke"I blindly stare at her."What?""Are they changing the Coke, or the Diet Coke?""It's all the same syrup"(I laugh)"What?""All a soft drink is, is syrup and carbonated water. The Diet Coke is separate from the Coke. Give me the cups, I'll go get the drinks""I thought the syrup was just the sugar""Diet Coke doesn't have sugar"(I still have this "I can't believe I'm having this conversation look in my eyes", which she absolutely hates)"#### you.....give me the cups"
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Since this thread has been opened up to non-wives I have three stories, all from the same girl, who happens to be a doctor now. I will call her Sarah.

Flying back from California to Wisconsin and our flight takes us in to Detroit first and then we have to backtrack to Milwaukee. So we aren't too happy about the flight plan and Sarah says in a very irritated manner how this flight is so stupid. I agreed, but basically just said it isnt too long a flight so big deal. She wont let up and brings up that what is so dumb about it is the fact that we have to fly "under the lake" and she really hates detroit's location because it is so inconvenient to drive there because you have to go around the lake. So I pretty much start right in teasing her about the flying under the lake comment, as I understand that planes can fly over water. I tell her that they are building a special new tunnel under lake michigan so that planes can start flying under the lake and save a ton of time. Meanwhile, Sarah is frantically looking through her carry on bag and finally pulls out a book that happens to have a picture of the U.S. in it and then a big smile comes across her face.

She puts her map down on the table and starts in on me. "You think you are always so smart and you are always making fun of me for being a ditz. Well you are going to feel real stupid." So she takes a pen and illustrates to me on her map a flightpath around Lake Michigan and how I am so dumb for not understanding that when she said under the lake that she clearly meant south of the lake and I was an idiot for not understanding what she meant.

I felt so bad for her that I actually tried to apologize and be nice about it. I was not a big enough person though because 5 minutes later I just had to ask her "Sarah, there is something I have been wondering for a long time. How the heck are we going to get to Europe if planes can't fly over Lake Michigan?"

---

I am at a party and the TV is on ESPN just as background noise. Nobody is really watching it too closely and eventually as it gets later they have rock climbing on. Well Sarah asks the room a question. Why are they putting that white paint all over the mountains, is it so they know the way down? Now of course everybody gets a nice little chuckle and somebody tells her it isnt paint that it is chalk. She appears fine with this explanation and doesnt ask for what purpose the chalk is for and everybody goes about their business. About 15 minutes later her face lights up and she says very loudly, "oh I get it, Chalk. For their hands, like a gymnast."

---

This last one was told to me second hand, but I have no reason to believe it isn't true. Sarah and her husband are driving up north and Sarah remarks that it is not a very starry night. Goes on and on about how disappointed she is because she always loves looking up at the stars during the drive. Her husband reaches up and opens the sliding grey cover over the moon roof so she can see through the glass and in a Tom Hanks Castaway impersonation says "I have made stars"

 
My MiL belongs in this thread daily.

We're at the cottage in August and it's been a pretty dry summer. Hubby comments on how low the water level in the well is when his mother says "Can't you just run the hose out and fill it up?"

We're shopping and she's picking up a few things for Reg to take on his trip to the Special Olympic summer games. We get to the toiletries and she's looking for the little travel tube of toothpaste. We find them and they're like $2. I grab a regular size tube and tell her just get the 65c tube. She insists that would be wasted, she intends to throw out the remainder before the return trip...and she really hates wasting money.

 
My wife and I were having a conversation on where we would like to travel overseas.

Wife: Greece, Australia, Ireland, Italy, New England (but not England)

 
My ex-girlfriend (back in the 80's) graduated magna cum laude with a math degree, so she was pretty smart. Not much common sense though. We lived together for awhile and used to host a lot of keg parties at the house. The next day the house would reek of stale smoke, beer, weed, etc... so we'd burn incense a lot.

She came to me one day complaining about the incense.

Her: This incense sucks. It doesn't last long at all.

Me: It doesn't? What do you mean? (lighting a stick)

The flame burns on the end of the stick for about 5 seconds and I blow it out.

Her: why'd you blow it out?

:mellow:

 
Just had one on the phone.

Her: I think I really want to move to Europe.

Me: I'd think I'd move to New Zealand if I had to move somewhere out of the country.

Her: Great, we can be Europe buddies!

 
Watching a hunting show the other day, just happened they were hunting turkeys. My wife stopped while passing by just after the dude dropped a tom and went and picked it up, and she says "why are the other turkeys just standing there?" I'm like :blackdot: , then say...those are decoys....

 
Watching Penn State's bowl game the other day for at least a half hour before my girlfriend asks if the old guy on the sideline (Joe Paterno) is the owner.

 
Homer J Simpson said:
Disco Stu said:
Watching Penn State's bowl game the other day for at least a half hour before my girlfriend asks if the old guy on the sideline (Joe Paterno) is the owner.
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You answered Yes, right?
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I just told her he was the head coach. Didn't bother trying to explain the differences between college and pro sports.To her credit the reason she asked was that he didn't appear to be doing anything and wasn't wearing headphones.During baseball season she wanted to know why teams had to keep playing games if they had no chance to make the playoffs.
 
My wife has an occasional habit of talking to herself. Luckily for me, she usually is saying something stupid when she does this. Over the weekend, she was talking to herself while she was making orange juice from concentrate. We had this double size container, larger than the regular pop can size of concentrate. I hear her saying "I don't get how this is going to be enough water?" I asked her what she was talking about, and she explained:

Her: The instructions say to put three cans of water in with the juice. I don't get it because I put in three cans of water in with the smaller ones. I don't see how this is going to be enough water.

Me: The-

Her: Don't say it! I figured it out. Nevermind!

Me: There's a thread on my message board this is perfect for.

The funny thing is, that even though she figured out the can was bigger, and thus, more water with three cans of water, she didn't really believe it. As she is pouring them in the pitcher, she kept saying, "see, there's not enough water, this isn't going to mix in well." Of course it did, and it was fun.

 
My wife's reading a restaurant's beer list aloud to me. She reads "Guinness Draught" as "Guinness drowt" (phonetic). This is the woman who picked up a bottle of wine at the supermarket one time and asked if "Closs Doo Bows" (phonetic) was any good. :thumbup:

 
My wife has no problem with venison but she refused to go with me to Panda Buffet. I couldn't get her to reconsider after reminding her of all the effort Nixon made to bring Panda to the U.S.

 
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