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Shtick You Use in Real Life (1 Viewer)

Da Guru said:
A couple of buddies who are in big time sales would plant us at local bars or restaurants when they had clients in town.  The shtick was a couple of us are sitting at the bar and he walks in with clients from wherever.  We say "Hey Joe how are you..it has been a long time (Even though we just saw him the week before)  Then in awhile he goes to the rest room and we are walking out and tell his clients what a great, honorable man he is and how much they would love doing business with him and how he has taken care of us in the past"   Then we leave before he comes out.  

Our friend always reimburses us for whatever we ate and drank that day.  We probably have done this 6-7 times over the years and it seems to work our great.

I used them when I had the VP of Johnston Controls in town a few years ago.   Did the same routine and when I came out of the rest room the VP says to me "Wow..those guys really spoke highly of you"  I said...."They were just a couple of guys I have done business with in the past. (Even though I golf with them every week)
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Johnson Controls..  ;)  

 
In Las Vegas with a group of college buddies a couple of years ago, staying in Mandalay Bay.  Bryan Adams was performing and one of the housekeepers told us that Bryan himself was staying on our floor in one of the enormous suites on the way between our rooms and the elevator.  So, half in the bag one afternoon and on our way to the pool, I channel my inner @Reg Lllama of Brixton and start yelling outside of Bryan's door, "Bryan Adams you're my favorite!  Play 'Jesse's Girl' tonight!!" 

My friends quickly caught on (sorta) and before you know it we were cracking ourselves up busting Bryan Adams' balls by shouting our appreciation in the halls for "his" songs he didn't sing.  I think we even serenaded him with Take Me Home Tonight and Jack and Diane.  

One lucky soul from that group got to stay in Vegas an extra week for a conference.  He got dragged to a Rick Springfield concert and, good man that he is, waited for a break in the music to shout out a request for Summer of '69.  Time is a flat circle, indeed.  

 
munga30 said:
In Las Vegas with a group of college buddies a couple of years ago, staying in Mandalay Bay.  Bryan Adams was performing and one of the housekeepers told us that Bryan himself was staying on our floor in one of the enormous suites on the way between our rooms and the elevator.  So, half in the bag one afternoon and on our way to the pool, I channel my inner @Reg Lllama of Brixton and start yelling outside of Bryan's door, "Bryan Adams you're my favorite!  Play 'Jesse's Girl' tonight!!" 

My friends quickly caught on (sorta) and before you know it we were cracking ourselves up busting Bryan Adams' balls by shouting our appreciation in the halls for "his" songs he didn't sing.  I think we even serenaded him with Take Me Home Tonight and Jack and Diane.  

One lucky soul from that group got to stay in Vegas an extra week for a conference.  He got dragged to a Rick Springfield concert and, good man that he is, waited for a break in the music to shout out a request for Summer of '69.  Time is a flat circle, indeed.  
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Reminds me of a time in NO for Madi Gras many years ago and Michael Bolton was rolling by on a float. My buddy started running along side the thing screaming “HOW CAN WE BE LOVERS IF WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS!?!?” repeatedly, with increasing desperation, jumping and gesturing wildly. Bolton tried to ignore him but it went on for two blocks and he finally had security get him out of there.

 
If driving with the family I’m always on the lookout for bales of hay, be it at a farm on the side of the road or a truck full of it on the highway.

Best possible scenario: on highway in the rear view mirror I see a truck full of hay bales. I slow down and just before the truck pulls directly along side my car I scream “Hey!”. Everyone in the car looks at me startled like “wtf???” And I just point out the window at the hay truck. You can mix it up with different tones/inflections to keep it fresh. Like an under-the-breath creepy “heeeey...” gets them in a completely different way. 

Also works with farms and the like, but the first scenario is magical - only happens once every couple of years up in the Boston area. Need more ####### hay up here!

 
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Hastur said:
My son is 13 and loves to play Minecraft with his friends online.  So he sits there with headphones and mic and talks to his friends while playing.  Every now and then I will yell out:

Collin, stop petting the dog there!

Collin, put your clothes on!

Collin, stop kissing the screen!

Collin, what are you doing with your sisters dolls?
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I was heading out to work and my 17-year-old was online with his COD clan. On the way out the door, I yelled “hey, stop petting the dog there. That’s inappropriate touching.” Thank you. Made my night.

 
Da Guru said:
A couple of buddies who are in big time sales would plant us at local bars or restaurants when they had clients in town.  The shtick was a couple of us are sitting at the bar and he walks in with clients from wherever.  We say "Hey Joe how are you..it has been a long time (Even though we just saw him the week before)  Then in awhile he goes to the rest room and we are walking out and tell his clients what a great, honorable man he is and how much they would love doing business with him and how he has taken care of us in the past"   Then we leave before he comes out.  

Our friend always reimburses us for whatever we ate and drank that day.  We probably have done this 6-7 times over the years and it seems to work our great.

I used them when I had the VP of Johnston Controls in town a few years ago.   Did the same routine and when I came out of the rest room the VP says to me "Wow..those guys really spoke highly of you"  I said...."They were just a couple of guys I have done business with in the past. (Even though I golf with them every week)
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Brilliant.

 
Nigel said:
If driving with the family I’m always on the lookout for bales of hay, be it at a farm on the side of the road or a truck full of it on the highway.

Best possible scenario: on highway in the rear view mirror I see a truck full of hay bales. I slow down and just before the truck pulls directly along side my car I scream “Hey!”. Everyone in the car looks at me startled like “wtf???” And I just point out the window at the hay truck. You can mix it up with different tones/inflections to keep it fresh. Like an under-the-breath creepy “heeeey...” gets them in a completely different way. 

Also works with farms and the like, but the first scenario is magical - only happens once every couple of years up in the Boston area. Need more ####### hay up here!
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Big fan of the HEY schtick

 
My youngest son wants to play basketball with me. So, we play 1 on 1, 21 and HORSE.

When we play HORSE and he misses two shots, I like to ask him if it is Christmas. He replies "No, why?". I say "Because "HO, HO, HO!" The question I ask varies, but my answer is always the same. He rolls his eyes and says he can't believe he fell for it again. 

He still asks me to play almost every day.

 
When my kids have a choice for something and they are clearly thinking it over, I wait until just before they pick up whatever it is and say, "not that one".  Usually quite loud, and they always drop it immediately and look at me.

It works really well when you are playing cards and they are drawing from you.

 
House Party is a popular app with 5th graders.

I call it hizzy partaaaaay to my daughter and her friends.

They all thinks it’s funny but my daughter, of course.

 
I give celebrities & popular people the wrong names & act 100% confident about it in front of my wife.  It usually goes right over her head.  Joe Bezos, Bob Gates, Mark Pence, etc.  Other times I purposely will confuse the names of actors, particularly younger males she would know the name of.  Like calling the Thor guy Gossling and saying "he's in every right now"

 
Punxsutawney Phil said:
I give celebrities & popular people the wrong names & act 100% confident about it in front of my wife.  It usually goes right over her head.  Joe Bezos, Bob Gates, Mark Pence, etc.  Other times I purposely will confuse the names of actors, particularly younger males she would know the name of.  Like calling the Thor guy Gossling and saying "he's in every right now"
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Richard Moe Nixon. 

 
Ned said:
It's in our DNA.   :hifive:

I love trying to illicit that you're an idiot look from my wife.  
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I love that look.  When we first started dating my wife would laugh at every word I said.  Now she mostly looks at me like an idiot.  My favorite is when I'm around other people and say something funny, she will kind of gauge their reaction before fully committing to laughing.  

 
I use "my idea schtick" on my wife quite often.  She will say something like "call your mom and see if she can watch the kid" and I will say "hold on I'm calling my mom I need to see if he can watch the kid"

Basically, everything the person says, immediately after say it like you thought of it or were going to do it anyways.  You can also ask them to do something they already did or are in the process of doing.  Like if they are handing you something to throw away, you grab it and say "let me throw this away for you".

 
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Rattle and Hum said:
If you happen to only have Netflix, keep mentioning how they really need to watch this non-Netflix movie and that non-Netflix show.
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I love changing the profile names on my kids' Netflix accounts.  Drives them nuts.  

 
When coworker is leaving their fancy out of office message on their voicemail, wait until they are juuuuust about done then make some random noise where they will have to start over.  Fart noise, stripper voice in the background, whatever.

 
Here’s a new one just developing, but sorry won’t be applicable to your lives. 

My wife the other day said to my son “Hey Zach, look what I scored today....folders!”   

To give some background on this, my son loves to write stories (often by hand) and also draw.  So he has a crap ton of paper everywhere in his room. My wife, bless her heart, was at a thrift store or something and found a big bunch of folders that she thought my son could use.  But the way she built it up with the “score” remark and the dramatic pause, I found hilarious. 

So right after she says this, I start screaming “OH MY GOD FOLDERS!!!!!! YES YES YES FOLDERS CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVE IT!!???!!!”

Kids pick up on this and we all start running around the house screaming about folders for about 5 minutes.  

So this is our new shtick to make fun of my wife.  About once a day someone will say “look what I got today guys...napkins [or whatever other random object laying around]” and then we just start screaming about how awesome it is. 

 
Punxsutawney Phil said:
I use "my idea schtick" on my wife quite often.  She will say something like "call your mom and see if she can watch the kid" and I will say "hold on I'm calling my mom I need to see if he can watch the kid"

Basically, everything the person says, immediately after say it like you thought of it or were going to do it anyways.  You can also ask them to do something they already did or are in the process of doing.  Like if they are handing you something to throw away, you grab it and say "let me throw this away for you".
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Reminds me of the shtick I do whenever I'm looking for something, and my wife is in another room. Also sometimes when she's in the same room.

Me: Hey honey, where are the stamps?

Her: In the right hand drawer of the hutch.

Me: Nevermind, I found them!

 
shuke said:
Here’s a new one just developing, but sorry won’t be applicable to your lives. 

My wife the other day said to my son “Hey Zach, look what I scored today....folders!”   

To give some background on this, my son loves to write stories (often by hand) and also draw.  So he has a crap ton of paper everywhere in his room. My wife, bless her heart, was at a thrift store or something and found a big bunch of folders that she thought my son could use.  But the way she built it up with the “score” remark and the dramatic pause, I found hilarious. 

So right after she says this, I start screaming “OH MY GOD FOLDERS!!!!!! YES YES YES FOLDERS CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVE IT!!???!!!”

Kids pick up on this and we all start running around the house screaming about folders for about 5 minutes.  

So this is our new shtick to make fun of my wife.  About once a day someone will say “look what I got today guys...napkins [or whatever other random object laying around]” and then we just start screaming about how awesome it is. 
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Ok, I laughed at this one.

I could totally see me and the kids doing this.

 
shuke said:
Here’s a new one just developing, but sorry won’t be applicable to your lives. 

My wife the other day said to my son “Hey Zach, look what I scored today....folders!”   

To give some background on this, my son loves to write stories (often by hand) and also draw.  So he has a crap ton of paper everywhere in his room. My wife, bless her heart, was at a thrift store or something and found a big bunch of folders that she thought my son could use.  But the way she built it up with the “score” remark and the dramatic pause, I found hilarious. 

So right after she says this, I start screaming “OH MY GOD FOLDERS!!!!!! YES YES YES FOLDERS CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVE IT!!???!!!”

Kids pick up on this and we all start running around the house screaming about folders for about 5 minutes.  

So this is our new shtick to make fun of my wife.  About once a day someone will say “look what I got today guys...napkins [or whatever other random object laying around]” and then we just start screaming about how awesome it is. 
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FWIW, that's kinda mean.

 
shuke said:
Here’s a new one just developing, but sorry won’t be applicable to your lives. 

My wife the other day said to my son “Hey Zach, look what I scored today....folders!”   

To give some background on this, my son loves to write stories (often by hand) and also draw.  So he has a crap ton of paper everywhere in his room. My wife, bless her heart, was at a thrift store or something and found a big bunch of folders that she thought my son could use.  But the way she built it up with the “score” remark and the dramatic pause, I found hilarious. 

So right after she says this, I start screaming “OH MY GOD FOLDERS!!!!!! YES YES YES FOLDERS CAN YOU GUYS BELIEVE IT!!???!!!”

Kids pick up on this and we all start running around the house screaming about folders for about 5 minutes.  

So this is our new shtick to make fun of my wife.  About once a day someone will say “look what I got today guys...napkins [or whatever other random object laying around]” and then we just start screaming about how awesome it is. 
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Jebus.  Your wife tries to do the right thing for your family and you pull this.  \/\/o\/\/

 
shuke said:
But now I feel bad.  Thanks, guy. 
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What I meant was she was all amped up that she was gonna make the kid happy and you smashed her.  I was trying to point out they don't like it when we mock things that they do that involve the kids.  No biggie, I didn't explain that well.

 
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Whenever I'm in the theater for a highly anticipated horror movie, I like to wait until the lights turn down, the theater gets quiet, and then rip the most bodacious fart humanly possible. 

 
lardonastick said:
Reminds me of the shtick I do whenever I'm looking for something, and my wife is in another room. Also sometimes when she's in the same room.

Me: Hey honey, where are the stamps?

Her: In the right hand drawer of the hutch.

Me: Nevermind, I found them!
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Definitely stealing this.

 
Nigel said:
Not every household dynamic is the same. Sounds like your is like mine - if you oversell the excitement of something stupid like folders, you can expect to be mocked. No hurt feelings. 
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Yeah, this. I didn't take it to as crushing the wife. Don't sweat it @Shuke

 
lardonastick said:
Reminds me of the shtick I do whenever I'm looking for something, and my wife is in another room. Also sometimes when she's in the same room.

Me: Hey honey, where are the stamps?

Her: In the right hand drawer of the hutch.

Me: Nevermind, I found them!
Click to expand...
This is good. :thumbup:

Another game I like to play.... whenever my wife has lost something and asks for my help to find it, I'll walk around the house looking and randomly yell out "HERE IT ISN'T"... she still falls for it.  :lmao:

 
One of the teams I run is the IT Service Desk for my company and sometimes people (mostly management) will come to me rather than going through my team.  Whenever someone I know who has a sense of humor sends me an instant message I like to pretend I was in the middle of an emotional conversation with someone else and accidentally typed into the wrong box.  E.G...

Kelan from accounting: Hello, I'm having trouble getting logged into XYZ application

Me: And anyway, you haven't even tried to see the kid in THREE WEEKS.  And you can forget the child support payment this month because I've had him the ENTIRE TIME.

Kelan from accounting: Kid?

Me: Oh sorry, wrong Kelan.  Have you tried ABC troubleshooting step?

 
E-Z Glider said:
This is good. :thumbup:

Another game I like to play.... whenever my wife has lost something and asks for my help to find it, I'll walk around the house looking and randomly yell out "HERE IT ISN'T"... she still falls for it.  :lmao:
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I use this one when my wife asks me if I have seen X. "I put X away the last time I used/wore/worked-with it." The best part about that one is that's something her parents said to her when she was a kid. I got the schtick from her. 

 
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Every time someone in my house says anything following "I just..." or "I am..."

My response is always (in Peter Griffin voice): Proud of you 

Wife: I just put the mail on the counter

Me: Proud of you...

I've broken it out at work a few times too... not nearly as effective :oldunsure:  

 
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Thought of one today.  I do this a lot.

Example - Driving down Church St. and drive by the "first ever Church in NJ".

Me: "What are the odds of that happening?"  or something similar - 

 
This doesn't work more than a couple of times, but when my kids were younger and were leaving their crap all over the house, if I was ever walking down the stairs and they had left something on them, even something tiny like a Barbie shirt, I would loudly fall down the last couple of stairs and lie in a crumpled heap at the bottom of the stairs, howling in pain, holding my leg.  When they'd come running to see what was wrong, I angrily say through clenched teeth that I tripped over whatever was on the stairs and fell and now I'm afraid I've broken my leg.  I gamely try to get up but find I couldn't put any weight on the leg.  First time I did this, I kept it up for 15 minutes or so, and my wife played along and was ready to call the ambulance before I ended it and told the kid to pick up their stuff in the future.  

After a few times, trying to vary it with a hurt arm, elbow, toe, eyebrow, etc., the kids would know as I was faking, but it did help get them to pick up their stuff.  

 
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