Bob Loblaw
Footballguy
Do your long-term girlfriends also have other long-term boyfriends? Are you ok with them sleeping with others?
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What's the upside of marriage for men? (1 Viewer)
- Thread starter offdee
- Start date
Do your long-term girlfriends also have other long-term boyfriends? Are you ok with them sleeping with others?
dkp993
Footballguy
This, so much this.
Back in my pre-marriage dating days the number one thing I hated far and away was the same conversations over and over and over and over again. I got so sick of telling my “story” it made me not want to go on dates.
Runkle
Footballguy
Yes and yes. The arrangement is the same in the reverse, if there's stuff that they want to do that I don't, they go with someone else. If she wants to go to some renaissance art festival or a concert that I don't care for, or needs some level of emotional support that I'm not willing/capable of providing, there's someone else to take up that slack.
Courtjester
The Town Drunk
I agree with this.
My wife just turned 53--I am 52--we have been together over 30 years and frankly, life is better than it ever has been. We have raised two great daughters--one just graduated college last year. Our other one is graduating from high school this year. We are each other's best friend and love being around one another. We waited to have kids, so we could get our fun, traveling, party on in our 20's. When the kids were born, they became our primary focus, it was dance recitals, Disneyland and countless hours dress shopping. Now that the youngest is going off to college, my wife and I have to admit we are excited to revisit our 20's again and all the "adult" fun we had. Sure, we have had arguments over the years--mostly over money or kid's issues, but I can honestly say I don't think we have ever had one that festered into the next day. My wife is honestly more beautiful now than when I met her. I feel like I am aging like an old catcher's mitt, and she still gets carded ordering drinks.
We are completely non-religious-=-so there isn't that pressure, but I do think how both of us were raised greatly influenced us. My parents were married 60 years before my dad passed. Her parents are both alive and getting close to 60 years married.
As someone who has sat through countless divorces, custody and domestic violence cases, I can tell you without a doubt there are people out there that simply should not be married. They don't have the disposition or ability to maintain a healthy relationship, let alone be married.
I don't fault the OP and his life choices--you do you, man (well, i don't think you are having to do you, that seems to being taken care of by your harem of girlfriends
), but I am not jealous of and sure wouldn't trade places with him.
Runkle
Footballguy
I've said for a long time that in the year 2032, somewhere, a girl is going to be born, grow up, go to nursing school, graduate, and in the year 2052 will be a fresh 20 year old nurse looking to Anna Nicole some old guy. I'll be 75 that year. That's my long-term plan.
Runkle
Footballguy
DA RAIDERS
Footballguy
I still like my wife. Which is different than being in love. We are in love as well. But actually liking each other is important. We are 20 years in, 18 married. 
massraider
Footballguy
jwb
Footballguy
NutterButter
Footballguy
That's online dating in a nutshell for me. Just got tired of it. I know its the price you have to pay in order to find that person but god, it gets old fast. I'd rather just be alone.
belljr
Footballguy
No one told me I had to like herI still like my wife. Which is different than being in love. We are in love as well. But actually liking each other is important. We are 20 years in, 18 married.
matttyl
Footballguy
A few mentions already about health insurance as a reason for marriage. Lots of both carriers and employers now don’t have that as a requirement. It’s now “spouse or domestic partner”, and the domestic partner can be defined by the employer. Reading directly from one carrier’s agent guidelines for groups - “to qualify as a domestic partner, the DP must: be the ee’s sole DP, have been in relationship for 12 months or more (no one would check this, btw), be mentally competent, not be related to the ee by blood closer than permitted by state law for marriage, not be married to anyone else, be financially interdependent with the ee (again, no one would check this).” I had one guy add his gf the day his divorce was finalized - and her kids.
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wlwiles
Footballguy
I have a cousin who found a woman that is 100% against "being married" just like he is. They are the perfect blend of "opposites attract" and being 100% like-minded. Been together for 11 years, live together, everything together, split the bills and finances how they see fit but with separate bank accounts. They are completely faithful (physically and emotionally) to each other, just don't buy into the whole marriage for the sake of marriage concept. They have no intention of ever breaking up, but have pragmatically set themselves up so that if anything ever happens, it would be an easy split and they could both walk away happy. They want a kid, but sadly cannot conceive. They've decided to adopt and the first thing the agency lady told them was that married couples have a 300% better chance than unmarried. So next week they are getting legally married, but have already drafted and signed a legal agreement with a mutual lawyer that any required divorce would be split as they see fit. To them the only thing that changes next week is that they now have two extra pieces of paper (marriage license and the signed agreement) in their file cabinet. They are going to a JoP, haven't told anyone outside the family that they're getting married, and are treating it like running down to Home Depot for a bucket of paint.
dgreen
Footballguy
I do wonder how much our parents relationship impacts our view. I assume it's a huge factor. I'm sure someone here will say, "My parents had a great marriage but I still think marriage is stupid," or, "My parents divorced when I was young but I still think marriage is important and something I'm committed to." But, overall, I assume what we saw growing up has a huge impact.
massraider
Footballguy
It did for me.
I also assume experiences do. A person gets beat up in a marriage, or a relationship even, seems to me that could alter their outlook.
Andy Dufresne
Footballguy
Being a player looks like it might be fun...until it's not.
This discussion makes me think of the David Aames character who understands, too late, what he's lost. He says what I think is perhaps the saddest line in movies - from Vanilla Sky.
I lost you when I got in that car. I'm sorry.
This discussion makes me think of the David Aames character who understands, too late, what he's lost. He says what I think is perhaps the saddest line in movies - from Vanilla Sky.
I lost you when I got in that car. I'm sorry.
Capella
Footballguy
I screwed up names on two different occasions. I just so over it. That’s when I knew my time in the game was over.
dkp993
Footballguy
It 100% shaped my view. My parents got married very young 17&18 respectively, had me shortly their after and got divorced when I was 9. Was a brutal divorce that I was stuck squarely in the middle of. I vowed to never let that happen to me or my future kids. I waited to do both (married and kids) until later in life (35 for marriage and 40 for kid) with the mind set to make it work. My commitment to my marriage is no question influenced by my personal history.
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trogg78
Footballguy
I've been married 20 years and have 7 kids and we are still going for more. If you haven't put in the work I don't know how you could understand. I never thought I could feel so much love. It drives me every day. I was always so lonely and relationships seemed so artificial. I would hate to feel that again. I know I never will because I am surrounded by so many.
Runkle
Footballguy
A lot of people seem stuck worried about how many other people the person they're sleeping with is sleeping with on the side. Who cares? It's not even how relationships worked until like the 60s, when the patriarchy needed to reinforce control over women's lives. Up until the 1950s, it was common for women to date multiple men at the same time. They'd go to a dance a get a Dance Card so they could literally schedule all the men they'd see at the dance. They'd go with Bobby Joe to the sock hop but go with Buzzy or Ted to the soda fountain afterward. They'd see multiple men for years until they decision was made to settle down with one and start "going steady".
Nowadays you're assumed to be "going steady" as soon as date 1, enforced monogamy, dating only one person at a time all through your life. WTF is that? It's not normal nor natural. It doesn't even make sense. You need to sample a wide range of relationships and people to figure out what you want, and doing it one at a time is a waste of everyone's youth.
Nowadays you're assumed to be "going steady" as soon as date 1, enforced monogamy, dating only one person at a time all through your life. WTF is that? It's not normal nor natural. It doesn't even make sense. You need to sample a wide range of relationships and people to figure out what you want, and doing it one at a time is a waste of everyone's youth.
STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
On dating multiple women at once:
My best friend does this. Not one of the women are worth keeping around and I seriously question any woman who is ok with the arrangement.
My best friend does this. Not one of the women are worth keeping around and I seriously question any woman who is ok with the arrangement.
STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
Also- LOL at a guy with a failed marriage telling others how marriage is pointless.
offdee
Footballguy
offdee
Footballguy
I have personal insight to all scenarios..
- Marriage no kids
- Living together with 3 kids, but not married
- Single with no kids
So, yes I have much more real world insight to the pros and cons of all.
Zow
Footballguy
offdee
Footballguy
This is just how modern dating is. If you're on dating apps you just have to assume each of you are at least talking to other people.
It's not like I go out of my way to let the girls I'm seeing know that I have other dates that week. We just enjoy each other's company in that moment and the other stuff is what it is. If/when they ask if I'm seeing/having sex with other girls then I'm always honest about it and then it's up to them if they are OK with it.
culdeus
Footballguy
This is completely the norm now. I know very few people that are in long term relationships that aren't married or plan to be. The rest have a bench of 2-3 at all times. Exclusively dating without long term plans probably happens but the concept is very outdated.
Andy Dufresne
Footballguy
STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
Lol at modern dating. I was doing that back in the 90s. It can be fun. Eventually it isn’t.
The intimacy and bond you have with someone who is both your friend and your lover trumps what you are doing.
Im not knocking it - just giving my perspective. If you’re happy- go on with your bad self.
offdee
Footballguy
It's changed because of dating apps (right or wrong). There are just so many available options out there now that it would be silly to not explore a bit to try and find your perfect match. Before apps, you had to kind of accidentally fall into meeting people...have friends set you up, have the nerve to approach a woman, hope they were actually single, etc, etc etc. During those times you didn't want to let someone go because finding someone new to keep you company was a luck of the draw process for the most part. Now, it's relatively easy to be able to contact a pool of people that you KNOW are single and interested in dating.
STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
This flies in the face of what your advocating.
The “not wanting to let someone go because…” is also telling.
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offdee
Footballguy
I think you're starting to veer away from the actual topic at hand.
I'm all for finding "my person" that I can have that monogomous intimacy and bond with. If that woman crosses my path then I'm game to just be with her. In the meantime, until that woman comes into my life I'm going to have fun with other women that maybe aren't my perfect match, but I enjoy their company.
The original question is not about being with the woman you love. The question is why take the unnecessary risk of getting legally married? Two very different things.
Andy Dufresne
Footballguy
Bob Seger - Fire Inside
Well you've been to the clubs and the discotheques
Where they deal one another from the bottom of a deck of promises
Where the cautious loners and emotional wrecks
Do an acting stretch as a way to hide the obvious
And the lights go down and they dance real close
And for one brief instant they pretend they're safe and warm
Then the beat gets louder and the mood is gone
The darkness scatters as the lights flash on
They hold one another just a little too long
And they move apart and then move on
On to the street, on to the next
Safe in the knowledge that they tried
Faking the smile, hiding the pain
Never satisfied
Well you've been to the clubs and the discotheques
Where they deal one another from the bottom of a deck of promises
Where the cautious loners and emotional wrecks
Do an acting stretch as a way to hide the obvious
And the lights go down and they dance real close
And for one brief instant they pretend they're safe and warm
Then the beat gets louder and the mood is gone
The darkness scatters as the lights flash on
They hold one another just a little too long
And they move apart and then move on
On to the street, on to the next
Safe in the knowledge that they tried
Faking the smile, hiding the pain
Never satisfied
Dickies
Footballguy
BeTheMatch
Footballguy
Just because you apparently made a stupid decision earlier in life doesn't mean the institution is stupid.
You're hardly the first divorced guy to trash marriage.
jwb
Footballguy
well, your marriage was about as valid as my first one, which I’ve discussed. I also lived with a few girls, two of which had children (one ended up being that first wife.). I’ve lived your list for the most part (haven’t been the 40-something dating dude, which is probably cool), but I can add a biggie to it - a long term successful marriage that works. You don’t know what that’s like, do you?
My point: don’t be so quick to disparage/diminish others experiences. Because you have a failed marriage does not make you an authority on it. Others have plenty of experience you don’t.
offdee
Footballguy
Just last night I met a couple buddies out at a sushi restaurant after they went to opening day (Brewers). They were at the bar sitting right next to a girl on a date. This girl happened to be someone I've been seeing for a few weeks now and had sex with 5 days prior. I just walked up and said hi to her, she stood up and gave me a hug, and then she went back to her date while I laughed and caught up with my buddies. We were literally 8 feet apart for the next 40 minutes.
Ultimately she told the guy she was with that she wasn't interested and he kinda walked out in a huff, and she joined us. But, at the end of the day, I didn't care. She's not my property and I met her on a dating app (Hinge) so I know she's talking to other guys too. Is what it is.
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offdee
Footballguy
I don't believe I'm disparaging on any successful marriage stories...I'm actually saying congrats/good for you on those. I do believe some can be happily married, but you have to also agree that your success story is very far from the norm. If you can make it work and you're happy in marriage, that's awesome! From my perspective, it's just not worth the risk.
And I'll say it again....I'm all for long term monogamous relationships. It's the need to have it legally binding when the facts show that marriage has a much better chance of ending/being miserable than it is to being blissful and happy. There's just no need for marriage...be together and do life together, but that piece of paper making it a nightmare to move on from each other if it doesn't work out is silly.
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STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
Now you seem to be getting away from the threads original statement. I’m sorry but this just reads like you think you’ve reinvented the wheel. Nothing in that story is new or is that abnormal. You’re dating.
I don’t look down on what you’re doing- but at this point this thread now reads like a thinly veiled “look at me” thread.
Have a blast homie! It’s fun until it isn’t. Eventually you will probably want something with a little more substance. If not- continue to have a blast!
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offdee
Footballguy
What does that have to do with answering the question of "what's the upside of marriage for men?"
jwb
Footballguy
I tried to explain this in my first reply to you way back - there is a definite difference in how it affects the relationship. I used the example of the long term contract vs the series of one years... when you're actually all-in (and I admit I wasn't in my first marriage) it's a different feeling. Is it a 100% guarantee of success? Of course not, but it's definitely different.
If you need to keep it in a "always remember we can easily walk away" mode, that's all fine if it works for both. But, from where I sit, you're always going to hold yourself back a little. Just not how I want to be. But if you do, that's great.
belljr
Footballguy
Because most angry men in marriage got married in their early 20s to the first piece of tail that was kind of nice to them. You figure out what you are looking for before getting married
offdee
Footballguy
I do agree with this. Like I said earlier, there should be a law that you can't get married until both parties are min. 30 yrs old. Nobody has any clue who they really are or what they need in their 20's.
Andy Dufresne
Footballguy
offdee
Footballguy
STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
STEADYMOBBIN 22
Footballguy
offdee
Footballguy
Going on dates does not automatically equate to sex. I've gone on many dates that go nowhere even close to sex. That's kind of the point of dating, to find that chemistry that is not easy to find.
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