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Footballguy
Let me start this by saying that no child is dying. I also am not trying to at all imply that what I'm about to describe is the equivalent of a child's death, because it's not. I just genuinely, at least in my emotional reality, don't know how else to describe it. And, the point of this thread (which I'm sure will be long-winded), is trying to figure out how to be deal with it.
Those of you familiar with the "Trouble Getting Pregnant" thread may be aware that my wife and I, after struggling for a few years with fertility issues, decided to become foster parents. Almost immediately we were fortunate enough to take in a baby just released from the NICU. He arrived at our house with essentially no "instructions." All we knew at the time is he was born premature and substance exposed. We spent the first two nights with him in the hospital because he had severe breathing issues and, as we quickly discovered, was on a formula he was allergic to. A couple months later we spent five straight days in the hospital with him when he contracted RSV. This was almost two years.
Last November we were asked by our state's respective agency to adopt him (as well as his older biological sister). We, of course, said yes. However, for reasons that aren't worth getting into, the state change its mind. Our foster son's biological mom, to get great credit, seized the opportunity to address several of her outstanding issues. Unfortunately, this change in plans came with a significant emotional impact on my wife and me. We initially went into the process with our eyes wide open. We were cautious enough to keep a small section of our hearts closed off to our son because there's the knowledge he could go home, but the information we received allowed us to open that last section.
After nearly two years with him we just received notice that he is likely going home to his biological mother for good on October 20th. To be honest, since things sort of went a different direction a few months back, this is not a shock to us and, I think at least, we've sort of been through the initial stage of the grieving process. Also, we're genuinely proud of his biological mom and do think we can get to a point where we won't fear for his safety. That said, it is unlikely that we will see him again, at least on any sort of regular basis, after that. Also, it's very unlikely that she'll be able to provide the financial opportunities for him that we could.
The last couple of years have been like having this constant Sword of Damocles hanging over our heads - where sometimes it's been barely visible or, like now, we can feel its tip on our foreheads. That said, I couldn't possibly imagine wanting anything different. My foster son is the coolest kid I've ever known. Despite the early medical issues, he's blossomed into a completely healthy child that has hit all his marks. He's incredibly happy. The best part of my day is when he wakes up at like 5:45 AM. I get up with him and we spend 20-30 minutes every morning with him on my lap eating a banana watching cartoons. Work or anything else isn't a thought for me during this time. He calls me "dada" and cries every time I have to leave for work, and yells with excitement when I get home. It's tough knowing that these times will stop. It's also rough knowing that I will never play catch with him, see him off to his first day of school, and, most likely, he'll completely forget who we are.
What's somewhat funny is how both my wife have a specific recurring nightmare about it all, but the nightmares themselves are vastly different. My wife regularly has a dream where our son is crying at his new house and in his little mind he thinks we've abandoned him. My "nightmare" is much further down the line. I've had the same dream several times now where it's 18 years into the future, I'm now a judge sitting on a regular criminal docket and his name comes across as a defendant for some drug or property crime. I call the case just to announce the conflict, but also out of curiosity, and, when I do, it's clear he has no clue who I am and is headed down a terrible path.
Anyway, my hope with this thread is to try to figure out how to handle the short and long terms. My wife and I started attending counseling together a couple months back and we'll continue with that. We've tried to maintain a normal lifestyle based upon the counselor's advice. I'd say our sex life has suffered from this but our marriage hasn't. That said, I don't know what to expect. The weekend he goes home my wife is supposed to go away on a girls' trip she totally deserves. I don't know whether I should take the week days leading up to it off. I don't know how it'll feel. I don't know if we should keep pictures, what to tell family exactly, throw some going away party, etc. I want to try to prepare. I don't want this to negatively impact my home and work life. I know I can escape by work and sports but I sort of feel like that's selfish. So, I'd really appreciate any suggestions. I don't know what to do or how this will impact my family.
Two requests for responding:
1. I'd prefer to keep most of the discussion about the legalities of this out of this thread. I'm in a unique positions where I am keenly aware of my options and how my situation is well outside the norm. If I get up the courage I'll address what could be described as a very legal irony here, but, nonetheless, I don't want this to be about the law or the process.
2. Please try to keep all comments and suggestions secular. I completely and respect that, for money, turning to religion in these times is helpful. It just will not be for my wife and me. We've already heard it all (I genuinely fear for the next person who tells my wife, "this is part of God's plan).
Those of you familiar with the "Trouble Getting Pregnant" thread may be aware that my wife and I, after struggling for a few years with fertility issues, decided to become foster parents. Almost immediately we were fortunate enough to take in a baby just released from the NICU. He arrived at our house with essentially no "instructions." All we knew at the time is he was born premature and substance exposed. We spent the first two nights with him in the hospital because he had severe breathing issues and, as we quickly discovered, was on a formula he was allergic to. A couple months later we spent five straight days in the hospital with him when he contracted RSV. This was almost two years.
Last November we were asked by our state's respective agency to adopt him (as well as his older biological sister). We, of course, said yes. However, for reasons that aren't worth getting into, the state change its mind. Our foster son's biological mom, to get great credit, seized the opportunity to address several of her outstanding issues. Unfortunately, this change in plans came with a significant emotional impact on my wife and me. We initially went into the process with our eyes wide open. We were cautious enough to keep a small section of our hearts closed off to our son because there's the knowledge he could go home, but the information we received allowed us to open that last section.
After nearly two years with him we just received notice that he is likely going home to his biological mother for good on October 20th. To be honest, since things sort of went a different direction a few months back, this is not a shock to us and, I think at least, we've sort of been through the initial stage of the grieving process. Also, we're genuinely proud of his biological mom and do think we can get to a point where we won't fear for his safety. That said, it is unlikely that we will see him again, at least on any sort of regular basis, after that. Also, it's very unlikely that she'll be able to provide the financial opportunities for him that we could.
The last couple of years have been like having this constant Sword of Damocles hanging over our heads - where sometimes it's been barely visible or, like now, we can feel its tip on our foreheads. That said, I couldn't possibly imagine wanting anything different. My foster son is the coolest kid I've ever known. Despite the early medical issues, he's blossomed into a completely healthy child that has hit all his marks. He's incredibly happy. The best part of my day is when he wakes up at like 5:45 AM. I get up with him and we spend 20-30 minutes every morning with him on my lap eating a banana watching cartoons. Work or anything else isn't a thought for me during this time. He calls me "dada" and cries every time I have to leave for work, and yells with excitement when I get home. It's tough knowing that these times will stop. It's also rough knowing that I will never play catch with him, see him off to his first day of school, and, most likely, he'll completely forget who we are.
What's somewhat funny is how both my wife have a specific recurring nightmare about it all, but the nightmares themselves are vastly different. My wife regularly has a dream where our son is crying at his new house and in his little mind he thinks we've abandoned him. My "nightmare" is much further down the line. I've had the same dream several times now where it's 18 years into the future, I'm now a judge sitting on a regular criminal docket and his name comes across as a defendant for some drug or property crime. I call the case just to announce the conflict, but also out of curiosity, and, when I do, it's clear he has no clue who I am and is headed down a terrible path.
Anyway, my hope with this thread is to try to figure out how to handle the short and long terms. My wife and I started attending counseling together a couple months back and we'll continue with that. We've tried to maintain a normal lifestyle based upon the counselor's advice. I'd say our sex life has suffered from this but our marriage hasn't. That said, I don't know what to expect. The weekend he goes home my wife is supposed to go away on a girls' trip she totally deserves. I don't know whether I should take the week days leading up to it off. I don't know how it'll feel. I don't know if we should keep pictures, what to tell family exactly, throw some going away party, etc. I want to try to prepare. I don't want this to negatively impact my home and work life. I know I can escape by work and sports but I sort of feel like that's selfish. So, I'd really appreciate any suggestions. I don't know what to do or how this will impact my family.
Two requests for responding:
1. I'd prefer to keep most of the discussion about the legalities of this out of this thread. I'm in a unique positions where I am keenly aware of my options and how my situation is well outside the norm. If I get up the courage I'll address what could be described as a very legal irony here, but, nonetheless, I don't want this to be about the law or the process.
2. Please try to keep all comments and suggestions secular. I completely and respect that, for money, turning to religion in these times is helpful. It just will not be for my wife and me. We've already heard it all (I genuinely fear for the next person who tells my wife, "this is part of God's plan).