Jim Souhan
Star Tribune
In 1990, Vikings General Manager Mike Lynn flew his team to the Pecos River Learning Center in New Mexico, where his previously discordant players endured team-building exercises.
During their bye week, the 2005 Vikings tried to recreate the harmony of the Pecos River Gang, assembling on two different bodies of water to hone their cohesiveness.
The new team owners met in Chaska, along Lake McKnight, to celebrate their shrewd investment ratio of $600 million per NFL victory.
More impressive, many of the players who earned that victory piled onto boats on Lake Minnetonka to engage in rigorous team-building exercises beyond the imagination of even the ingenious Mike Lynn.
Yes, new Vikings owner Zygi Wilf has learned that running this particular National Football League team is a bit more complicated than buying a mall.
In his first four games at the helm, Wilf watched his well-paid players 1) lose, 2) embarrass themselves, 3) narrowly beat a lousy team; and 4) embarrass themselves.
Then came the "bye" week, an opportunity to rest and refocus a failing franchise. The Vikings used their down time thusly:
• Head coach Mike Tice hired two retired coaches as "consultants," admitting his staff was dysfunctional.
• The owners held their retreat while the franchise became the laughingstock of the NFL.
• Prominent players took rented boats onto Lake Minnetonka and allegedly behaved with lewdness shocking to anyone who didn't notice one Viking (Onterrio Smith) getting caught with an Original Whizzinator and another (Kevin Williams) getting arrested for domestic violence.
Only our Vikings could make possible the future television series: CSI: Gilligan's Island.
There is misbehavior, and then there is Vikings behavior.
When Kirby Puckett made alleged advances on a woman in a bar, such conduct was termed a "scandal."
When Vikings players turn a rental boat into a floating brothel, such conduct is called a "Thursday."
What Zygi must learn about the modern-day NFL is this: You don't want the players who lose games and act offensively. You want the players who win games and fight off felonies.
The Ravens won a Super Bowl with a star linebacker, Ray Lewis, who had to defend himself against double-murder charges.
The Cowboys won three Super Bowls with receiver Michael Irvin, who was indicted on felony cocaine charges and was found in a motel room with two "self-employed models," drugs, drug paraphernalia, and, we're guessing, a really cool lava lamp.
Those Cowboys knew how to conduct themselves like big-time NFL players. Rent a boat? They bought a house -- which would become famously known as "The White House" -- as a home base for their indiscretions.
The Vikings can't even acquire first-class miscreants.
At this point you would assume that "Zygmunt" is an old Yiddish word meaning "Are you kidding me?"
You would be wrong. "Zygmunt" is a German name related to "Sigmund." It was popularized by psychology pioneer and Marvin Gaye lyricist Sigmund Freud. (I know this because I attend the University of Google.)
Because Freud made famous the study of the libido, Zygmunt/Sigmund is the perfect name for an owner presiding over the franchise known for the abuses of Arctic Blast and the escapades of Al & Alma's Caligulan Adventures.
Last week, we missed only Randy Moss' talent. Today, we miss him as a role model. Oh, for the days when our biggest problems were end zone end-wiggling.
Apparently, Vikings players thought the motto of Al & Alma's was "What happens here, stays here." Instead, lurid tales regarding our full-contact freaks will circulate for years, and the worst of them will be those that are true.
Today, fresh from their retreat, the Wilfs will question whether they could have spent $600 million on a better Minnesota product, like, oh, say, Spam.
Seriously, folks, it's time for the Wilfs to hire consultants other than Jerry Rhome and Foge Fazio. It's time for them to hire Donald Trump to utter the words these sick puppies all deserve to hear:
"You're fired."